Purgetopia

I have had these comfy cozy pj's for a long time.  Although I have purged lots of clothes over the past few months, this is just so comfortable I have held on and held on...not wanting to let go (more about that in a minute.)

So this morning every time I tried to lean to pick something up, the whole top would basically flop off of me!  I really have no choice...this is just not wearable any longer.

This prompted me to head to the bedroom and reassess the rest of my clothes.  Holy moly....there is now another huge trash bag full of clothes to donate.  And I don't mean getting rid of clothes that are a little baggy.  I mean things that look ridiculous if I put them on.

It was fun, exhilarating and freeing to purge out the old.

And it was also sad.

There are a lot of memories wrapped up in some of the clothes.  Really.  My trusty "tried and true" fat clothes that would cover me when I wanted to hide.  Or would always fit me in a pinch.  I can remember events I went to wearing certain things, or job interviews, etc.  The memories of the past, while not always pleasant, are comfortable in that I know how to navigate life hiding in those clothes!

There is also some fear.  I'm going into unknown territory.  No fall-backs?  No bigger clothes to run to? I've always kept bigger clothes in the closet in case I needed them.  This time, I won't need them.  I'm not going back.  And I have no freaking clue what that means, what I'm heading into, where this path is going to lead me.  I feel slightly off balance.

I've left my comfort zone completely behind me, yet I'm only halfway to becoming the person I think maybe I was always meant to be.  It's exciting, for sure.  And saying goodbye to the old isn't the easiest thing to do.  But I need to make sure the goodbye isn't an "until we meet again."

Because I didn't "lose" those 80 pounds (where they can be found again.)  I have gotten rid of them for good, just like the clothes I used to cover 'em up.  "Au revoir pour toujours"....goodbye forever old me!

♥

80 Pounds Shed

What does 80 pounds look like?  How's this:

That right there is 80 pounds in the form of eight 10-pound bags of potatoes.  That's how much weight I have lost as of this morning.

Can you imagine strapping a bag on each foot, a bag on each thigh, a bag on each arm, and one on either shoulder, then going about your daily business - like walking up and down stairs to do laundry, walking across a parking lot to do grocery shopping, then coming back and lifting the groceries to bring them into the house etc.?

I can hardly imagine it, either.  Except:  (1) That's exactly what I was doing...hoisting all that weight around and trying to function normally (no wonder I was always tired!) and (2) I still have 60 pounds+ to go.  So I have another extra 6 of those flopping around even as I type this!  Yikes!

Anyway, I'm pretty freaking proud of myself.  I stalled out for a solid 3 months (maybe 4?) last year, but I'm back on track and moving right along again.

I have decided to reward myself in this stretch of weight loss (from here until I reach 200 pounds.)  Every time I lose 5 pounds, I am treating myself to a flavored [skinny version] of a Starbucks coffee.  Later today when I take a break from working, I'm heading over for a Peppermint Mocha while it's still available.  Mmmmmmmm.  Success tastes REALLY good!

♥

Something's Got To Give

My #^%!*@  scale feels like it has not budged in months.  Granted, in late summer and fall I was in a holding pattern of pigging out then half heartedly working out to a point where I gained nearly 20 pounds back.  Then lost it.  So as of January 1, 2012, I was basically right back to where I was in flipping August.  That's disheartening, but I own it and accept it and started a new "push" on January 1st.

I have been at THIS weight, though, for weeks and I am seriously working it!

I workout almost every day.  I have added personal training 3 times per week.  I have stepped up the cardio (treadmill, elliptical, exercise bike).  I will often walk 30 to 60 minutes even on days I'm at the gym with the trainer.

I am CAREFUL about my food.  I am not eating junk.  Okay, there was an unfortunate truffle incident, and some birthday cake, and....hmmmmm....maybe I'm in denial.  Maybe I'm overeating all the time and not realizing it....?

No, that's really not it.  I don't know what the heck it is, but here are some adjustments I am going to make going forward to help ensure my success.  Some of these things I used to do faithfully and have slipped, some are new:

1. Drink my water.  I will have at least 80 ounces of water per day (fill up my 20 oz bottle 4 times.)
2. My first meal (after working out in the morning) will be whey protein to help my muscles recover and kick off my metabolism.  When time permits, I will add berries into the shake as well.
3. I will eat WAY more vegetables.  I may not be eating that much, but I have also cut way down on the vegetables.  I used to have 6 to 8 servings per day.  Now I'm around 3 to 4 most days.  I think my body needs them to speed things up and process everything else better. So more veggies.
4. I had cut out just about all carbs.  For a couple of weeks I have had no bread (not even whole grain), no crackers, no potatoes, etc.  This is not helping my muscles any and it's not having the "more weight loss" effect I was hoping for.  So, I am going to incorporate complex carbs into every dinner and occassionally in my mid morning snack (granola, oatmeal, whole grain rounds with peanut butter, etc.)
5. Log my food.  I have barely recorded my food lately and had stopped measuring in favor of "eyeballing" it.  Well my eyeballs are liars.  I tried eyeballing a cup of whole grain spaghetti a couple of nights ago and then used the measuring cup.  Whoopsies.....reality bites. lol

I can get so overwhelmed trying to do everything at once that things start slipping through the cracks.  I'd love a personal assistant to follow me through the day and remind me of the friggen details I need to remember.  But since I don't have that, I'm going to have to just keep remembering, writing, revisiting and keeping myself accountable.

I am on a mission here and this is no time to be sloppy!

The picture to the right is from an artist named Leonid Afremov.  It is called "December Winter Sunset" and I find it represents my mood.  Fairly calm but with a lot of bright passions and fiery determination!

He is my new favorite artist.  I just can't get enough of him, particularly his cities, at night, in the rain.  The colors are amazing.  He paints with oil using nothing but a knife.  Pretty cool eh?  Here is a link to Leonid Afremov's DeviantArt Gallery

Golds Gym 2012 Challenge

Well, it's official. This morning I had my weigh-in for the "Gold's Gym Challenge 2012."  This involved wearing nothing but a sports bra and workout shorts and getting front and back pictures taken, getting weighed, and also getting measured.

As of this moment, I have 12 weeks to grunt, breathe, sweat, and work my way into as much fitness as I can jam-pack into a 12 week period safely, and with maximum effect.  It also means eating "clean."

I have decided that I want to win the local gym's 40-49 female category.  And so, well, I'm going to do it.  It's just the way it is.  I'm not sure if you've known me long enough to know the difference between "I really want to do something" and "I'm going to do it."  The former is like a far-off someday wish that has no real goals attached to it.  Like I really want to get my finances in order and a strong budget in place.  I really do want that.  But I make lame attempts at it.

This is different.  I have a plan.  I have a trainer.  I have knowledge.  I have friends.  And most of all, I have a belief that I am going to do it.  The worst case scenario, I suppose, will be working my butt off and not winning whatever is the local prize.  I'm still the big winner because I will have busted my butt for 12 weeks and be so much healthier than I am right now.  So why NOT go all out and go for it?  Still, I really do think I'm going to win.  :)

So that's that.  Right after I weighed in I hit the "Cardio Cinema" for a solid hour.  I love that room.  They play movies on a huge screen and it's dark in there so no one pays attention (or sees) each other.  I did the eliptical for 15 minutes and the treadmill for 45.  And I walked for 3 minutes, then jogged for 1 minute -- the entire time.

I realize motivation may become an issue over a 12 week period. Plateaus may happen, and knowing me, I'll figure out a way to discourage myself during the process.   That's where grit and determination will come in. I plan on maintaining a positive attitude and seeing this through to be best of my ability.  I want the joy that will come from knowing how hard I am working for it.  That's even better than winning.  I think.  I'll let you know.... ;-P

---------------

p.s. I stumbled on this and think it's a riot.  And it's funny because it's true.  Enjoy...


27 Tips For The Gym (funny)

(Great Snack Find!!!)

Nutrition Facts:

Nutrition (without walnuts): 1 square = 47 calories, .7 g fat, 8 g carbs, 3.7 g protein

Nutrition (with walnuts): 1 square = 63 calories, 2.3 g fat, 8 g carbs, 4 g protein

Ingredients:

• ½ C Xylitol Brown Sugar Blend (Ideal)
• 1 - 4 oz. jar baby food applesauce
• 2 tsp. ground cinnamon
• 1 ½ tsp. ground ginger
• ½ tsp. ground clove
• 1 tsp. baking powder
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• ½ tsp. salt
• 2 tsp. vanilla extract
• 4 large egg whites
• 1 - 15 oz. can of raw pumpkin
• 2 C oat flour
• 2 scoops vanilla whey protein
• ½ cup almond milk
• ½ C chopped walnuts (optional)

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 350.
2. Spray a 9 X 13 Pyrex dish with non-stick spray.
3. Combine first 11 ingredients and mix well.
4. Add the final 3 ingredients (4, if adding walnuts), and mix until incorporated. Spread batter into the Pyrex dish and bake for 30 min.
5. Makes 24 squares.

 Jamie's Pumpkin Protein Bars Recipe. PDF (12.9 KB) 

Bodybuilding.com - Jamie Eason's LiveFit Recipes: Pumpkin Protein Bars


I tried these and they are AWESOME.  I used the Splenda Brown Sugar blend (couldn't find the Xylitol type) and I used pecans instead of walnuts.  But mmmmmm so good!!!!

And GUILT FREE!

Goal Control

I think goals are important.  Goals help us take control of our lives, set a destination, and help us figure out how we're going to get there.  With measurable goals, we can push ourselves where we want to go!  Goals rock!  Goals move us forward in the direction we choose!  Goals drive our decisions!

However, goals can completely derail me if I'm not careful.

When I start getting really excited about goals, I can lean toward grandiosity.  A sense of being able to conquer the world can be a good thing.  An absurd exaggeration of my abilities (with some magical thinking tossed in for good measure) can have me setting unrealistic goals (like in January 2011 when I thought I could lose 140 pounds in one year!)

In addition to setting goals too high, I can set too many at once.  I'm the type of person who can "eat an elephant one bite at a time", but I can't sit down and eat it all at once.  In other words, my greatest successes have typically come from making one good, solid next right choice, incorporating it into my being, and then adding another one.

When there is too much on my plate at once, I get overwhelmed.  And when I get overwhelmed, I shut down.   I don't mean I shut down one of the goals, I mean *I* shut down.  If I can't do all 15 things at once, I will end up doing nothing at all and start a snowball effect where I am not able to manage or handle most everything.

Setting unrealistic goals can be deflating, demoralizing, and can even trigger feelings of depression. And I'm not interested in backsliding my way into yesterday, thankyouverymuch.

Goals on my plate currently (which I really need to asses):

1. Golds Gym 12 Week Challenge

I signed up for this workout challenge.  Next week they will be taking before pictures (in a two piece, what the heck was I thinking?) and I will be striving for most improved, over a 12 week course.  Competitors will be evaluated in the areas of weight, ability, looks, and a written essay.  And of course, I want to take the 40-49 year old female category.

2. 44 in 4

I set a goal last week that I would lose 44 pounds in 4 months, or exactly 2.58 pounds per week.  According to my scale this morning, I did not even make it my first week. In fact, I somehow weigh one pound MORE this morning than I did a week ago.  I could scream.  In order to make the goal now, I would need to lose 2.81 pounds per week from now until April 30th.

3. The Magic 200.

The 44 in 4 was part of accelerating my progress toward hitting the 200 pound mark.  This is probably every hugely overweight person's dream...getting under the 200's seems like such a huge victory.  So tied to hitting 200 is:  my 44 in 4 challenge, the huge accomplishment in my heart just knowing I did it, plus my grandmother has tossed out additional motivation - she won't say what it is, but has told me she has a reward in store for me when I reach that goal.

All that seems so good, right?  You would think so.

So why, can someone tell me, am I not losing one freaking pound here?  Why am I killing myself at the gym, hitting the treadmill at home damn near every day, and I weigh exactly what I weighed 8 days ago?  I know I had two days where I ate things I shouldn't.  One day I had 3 Lindor Truffles (note: eating one was awesome.  Eating two was so-so.  By the third it was actually gross.  I don't recommend that much chocolate in one sitting.  Blech.)

Anyway, I feel like I'm teetering on the edge here.  While working on the goals I'm also:

• changing my diet to incorporate whey protein to help with muscle soreness (in the form of a snack replacement/meal replacement)
• have also started recording my workouts to record/track/compare and make sure I push harder each time
• have started working out almost twice as much
• On top of that, my newest trainer at Golds had his last day Friday and I start with a new trainer Monday
• And I'm changing from 5:30 p.m. to 5:30 a.m. instead, meaning a whole new daily schedule to get used to.

Frankly, all this change at once, coupled with the lofty goals, seems to be having the effect of overwhelming me.

Some days I just want to run screaming from the world and go hide in a little cave until I get it all sorted out in my head.  (I tend to live inside my analytic mind and sometimes it gets really crowded in there - I feel like I need to take everything out, organize it, rearrange it, purge what I don't need, and put it all back in neatly.)  Yesterday I think I started that process and I'm not quite finished yet.

Putting everything on my plate in writing (where I can see it) is helping.  I need to get my routines under control.  I need to get my thinking under control.  I need to get my emotions under control.  And I definitely need to get my goals under control.

Because it seems this "out of control" feeling is spilling into other parts of my life, too.  And I will not let that happen.

Mounting the Scale

On New Year's Day I weighed 244.2.  Yesterday I weighed 243.  So imagine my surprise when this morning the scale showed "241.4."  I was so flipping excited I hopped off, grabbed my cell phone (camera) and hopped back on, only to see it say "244."  I got off and back on.  "243.2"  Off and on again... "243.2."  I waited 2 minutes and got back on.  "243.2."  Hmmmmm.

Next I tried the "gingerly alight" approach.  After tapping the scale once with my right foot, and using only the ball of my right foot, I placed it midway on the scale...oh so gently.  I followed with the ball of my left foot and then slowly let both heels down until I was standing evenly.  "243.2." Sonofa.....

I relayed this story to my BFF (remember, my best fat friend) and we laughed and laughed.  It seems we both have our own little private superstitions about how to mount and dismount the scale for optimum results! (I know I blogged about it once before, but it's just so funny to me, and I keep on doing it.)

Let's face it.  Some of us have developed some rather hilarious routines related to our bathroom scale.

Another friend told me today that might work for the old scales, but that the digital ones require you to hop on  and get solid footing quickly.  Who knew?  All these decades of Scale Ballet techniques are hard to break!  But I'll try.

Speaking of which, how many of us wake up, go pee, then rush to the scale immediately?  The other day I got up, tinkled, went into the kitchen and had a couple of sips of water to wash down some medicine, THEN remembered the scale.  I'll be darned if I'll get on the scale after a few sips of water...the process was RUINED, I tell ya!  lol

Anyway, I just thought I'd share my scale thoughts.  I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one with funny scale superstitions, habits, and methods.  I may be one of the few, however, who openly admits it.

:-P

Carly The Conqueror

So there is one device at the gym that I just could not do.  It's an ab slant board.  You tuck your legs up into it and lay back in a decline position.  You are to basically do a sit up from that position, reaching your arms forward.

When my trainer had me try it on December 10th, I couldn't even get my shoulders off the darn thing.  I blogged about it HERE.

I made a vow that I would win and not let that stinkin' machine beat me.  I have been doing crunches and sit-ups fairly regularly since then.

This past Monday, after a vigorous workout, the trainer said he had one last thing for me to do, and pointed to the ab slant board.  He said, "I know, you hate me."

I smiled and said, "Not at all."

He asked if I need help getting in it (in the past I needed help.)

I said, "No thanks.  I've got this." (with a big smile on my face.)

He held his clipboard just above my hands to create a target for me to try to reach.  I pushed the clipboard a little farther away.  And kept smiling.

He said, "Oh really?"

And I said, "Watch me."

And I proceeded to kill two sets of 12 each, in perfect form, reaching the higher target.

In your face, ab slant machine.

HA!

♥

New Year, New Goals

I started this blog at the end of 2010, and officially began the "Year of Me: 2011" January 1, 2011.  January 3rd was my first day with a personal trainer, and I have pretty much blogged about everything between then and now.

What a difference a year makes.

On December 31, 2011 I went to Kohl's to shop for jeans.  You see, it's been decades since I could buy clothes in a "real" store.  The only stores I could really shop in were stores like "Fashion Bug Plus", The Avenue, and Lane Bryant.  Heck, even Dress Barn only goes to size 24, so until this year I couldn't shop there.  I actually asked a friend where people go to get their clothes!  How am I supposed to know where "normal" people shop these days?

• I went to Kohl's, and bought a couple of size 18 jeans.  I also bought a pair of XL shorts!  Understand, I started this journey at a size 30/32!  

• I began "The Year of Me:2011" at 320 pounds.  After some fluctuations (I gained weight back in the fall then lost it again) I am at 244.  That looks like 76 pounds to me (except it's really 94 pounds because of the 18 pounds I gained then re-lost!)  Still...a net loss of 76 pounds?  In one year?  I'd call that a success!

• I have had major dental work done (still more to go; waiting to afford it.)

• I have had laser hair removal in a couple of places and it was worth every penny!

• I started getting my hair highlighted and/or colored.  My hair isn't very gray, but it just adds to that "polished" feeling.

• I started wearing dresses and skirts.  I didn't wear skirts for decades.  I am back to loving them again and allowing myself the gift of celebrating my femininity.

• I started going to the gym and have been doing so faithfully.  

So I rang out 2011 with quite a list of accomplishments, and I have to admit, I'm feeling pretty darned proud!

How did I start 2012 yesterday?

Just as committed as ever!

• Yesterday I went to my first 5k.  They had options and there was a 6k route that was supposed to be prettier, so I chose that one instead.  It took 90 minutes walking at a very slow pace (thanks, son) but the fact is, I started, I did it, and I have a benchmark from which I will keep getting better until I can RUN a 5k.  

• I started a workout log.  I am going to keep track of all my workouts, how long, how much weight, how many reps, what was the point of failure, etc. so I can track PROGRESS.  I want gains, and I want to measure results.  I am also going to track cardio to make sure I push myself.

• I have a short term aggressive (but achievable) goal.  It's called "44 in 4".  I'm 244 and want to reach 200 pounds more than anything.  I haven't weighed that since the 1980's.  My goal is to reach 200 lbs. by April 30, 2012.  That's 44 pounds in 4 months, or 11 pounds per month, or 2.58 pounds per week.  I am going all out to try to reach it.

• I joined an online workout club that seems very supportive.

• I signed up for a Gold's Gym 2012 Fitness Challenge.  I bought shorts so I can go in and get a before pic in shorts and a sports bra (dear God, am I really doing that?)  And I am going to kick butt for 12 weeks.  I want to win in the 40-49 women's local category.  Hey, someone's got to win!  It will be in overall improvement (weight, shape, composition, plus an essay.)  Wish me luck. :)

2011 was the Year of Me.  And I think I did a pretty good job getting myself to "here."

2012 is going to be the year I really reach my fitness goals, achieve my goal weight, and set some other lofty goals (to be announced in the future).

The process, of setting goals, planning for them, and then remaining committed.....is an amazing feeling.  It builds something inside that no one can take away.  The sense of accomplishment and belief in my abilities is hard to describe to someone who doesn't set goals and then work so hard to achieve them.  But if you do, you'll get this:

"What you get by achieving your goals

 is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals."

 

~Zig Ziglar

Happy New Year, my friends.  Figure out what you want this year and then don't just "resolve" to achieve it.  PLAN to achieve it.  Set mini goals to achieve it.  Then get off your butt...and achieve it!   :-)

♥♥♥