In January and February I flatlined with my diet and exercise. I didn't lose, I didn't gain, I didn't do much of anything at all. Maybe I coasted a bit. I did work out with a trainer but didn't really see any gains in weight loss (there were some definite gains in muscle strength.)
In March, we learned my mom was sick. Stage 4 advanced untreatable inoperable unstoppable lung cancer. In April I went to Maine and spent the next 7 weeks at my mom's side doing anything I could to love her, help her, and return even 1% of the love she showed me my whole life.
In late May, we lost her.
In June, I moved to Tennessee for a new job.
In July, August, September and October, I speeded through life. Unpacking, downsizing, jumping into the new and challenging job, doing a ton of physically active things like white water rafting, zip lining, caving, and running a couple of 5K races. Busy busy busy trying to outrun my mind and heart and when not successful, I ate down my feelings.
In November, my dad came to visit for the Thanksgiving holiday. That was hard. The first major holiday without mom. Somehow the reality of it all knocked me over. I paused long enough for all the feelings to catch up with me....and it consumed me.
From March to now I have gained considerable weight. I'm not going to say how much. There's no need to humiliate myself. I just want to acknowledge it and refocus on tomorrow and forgive myself for yesterday. I did what I needed to do and it's time to move forward.
In looking at what worked in 2011 when I was so successful, it was focusing on "The Next Right Choice." Not worrying about where I had to be in 3 months or 6 months or what day I'd reach a specific weight goal. Instead, I focused on making good choices now and near-term and let the good consequences come. And they did. I tried to plan my food out in advance, but if I found myself in a place without great food options, I'd make the best choice at the moment and get back on track the very next meal.
I was not "all or nothing." I was all about doing what I could now and if I made a misstep, acknowledging it and correcting as I moved forward. Black and white thinking kills someone like me.
Well, now I'm looking forward to 2013. I want to continue to grow emotionally and spiritually. I want to continue to shrink physically. And I want to do it out loud again. Hiding does not serve me well. Living out loud suits me just fine, and I feed off the attention (hard to believe, right?) :-)
So here's to a positive 2013. Come back along for the ride. Better yet, toss on some running shoes and let's hit the treadmill together. Regardless, no more going backwards or standing still. We're on the move again.
Carly
