New Year, New Goals

I started this blog at the end of 2010, and officially began the "Year of Me: 2011" January 1, 2011.  January 3rd was my first day with a personal trainer, and I have pretty much blogged about everything between then and now.

What a difference a year makes.

On December 31, 2011 I went to Kohl's to shop for jeans.  You see, it's been decades since I could buy clothes in a "real" store.  The only stores I could really shop in were stores like "Fashion Bug Plus", The Avenue, and Lane Bryant.  Heck, even Dress Barn only goes to size 24, so until this year I couldn't shop there.  I actually asked a friend where people go to get their clothes!  How am I supposed to know where "normal" people shop these days?

• I went to Kohl's, and bought a couple of size 18 jeans.  I also bought a pair of XL shorts!  Understand, I started this journey at a size 30/32!  

• I began "The Year of Me:2011" at 320 pounds.  After some fluctuations (I gained weight back in the fall then lost it again) I am at 244.  That looks like 76 pounds to me (except it's really 94 pounds because of the 18 pounds I gained then re-lost!)  Still...a net loss of 76 pounds?  In one year?  I'd call that a success!

• I have had major dental work done (still more to go; waiting to afford it.)

• I have had laser hair removal in a couple of places and it was worth every penny!

• I started getting my hair highlighted and/or colored.  My hair isn't very gray, but it just adds to that "polished" feeling.

• I started wearing dresses and skirts.  I didn't wear skirts for decades.  I am back to loving them again and allowing myself the gift of celebrating my femininity.

• I started going to the gym and have been doing so faithfully.  

So I rang out 2011 with quite a list of accomplishments, and I have to admit, I'm feeling pretty darned proud!

How did I start 2012 yesterday?

Just as committed as ever!

• Yesterday I went to my first 5k.  They had options and there was a 6k route that was supposed to be prettier, so I chose that one instead.  It took 90 minutes walking at a very slow pace (thanks, son) but the fact is, I started, I did it, and I have a benchmark from which I will keep getting better until I can RUN a 5k.  

• I started a workout log.  I am going to keep track of all my workouts, how long, how much weight, how many reps, what was the point of failure, etc. so I can track PROGRESS.  I want gains, and I want to measure results.  I am also going to track cardio to make sure I push myself.

• I have a short term aggressive (but achievable) goal.  It's called "44 in 4".  I'm 244 and want to reach 200 pounds more than anything.  I haven't weighed that since the 1980's.  My goal is to reach 200 lbs. by April 30, 2012.  That's 44 pounds in 4 months, or 11 pounds per month, or 2.58 pounds per week.  I am going all out to try to reach it.

• I joined an online workout club that seems very supportive.

• I signed up for a Gold's Gym 2012 Fitness Challenge.  I bought shorts so I can go in and get a before pic in shorts and a sports bra (dear God, am I really doing that?)  And I am going to kick butt for 12 weeks.  I want to win in the 40-49 women's local category.  Hey, someone's got to win!  It will be in overall improvement (weight, shape, composition, plus an essay.)  Wish me luck. :)

2011 was the Year of Me.  And I think I did a pretty good job getting myself to "here."

2012 is going to be the year I really reach my fitness goals, achieve my goal weight, and set some other lofty goals (to be announced in the future).

The process, of setting goals, planning for them, and then remaining committed.....is an amazing feeling.  It builds something inside that no one can take away.  The sense of accomplishment and belief in my abilities is hard to describe to someone who doesn't set goals and then work so hard to achieve them.  But if you do, you'll get this:

"What you get by achieving your goals

 is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals."

 

~Zig Ziglar

Happy New Year, my friends.  Figure out what you want this year and then don't just "resolve" to achieve it.  PLAN to achieve it.  Set mini goals to achieve it.  Then get off your butt...and achieve it!   :-)

♥♥♥

December 28: Now and Then

Don't really know if you can see the difference, but on the left is a picture taken at lunch with coworkers as I celebrated my 46th birthday yesterday.  On the right is exactly one year ago, at lunch, with the same coworkers.  That day, December 28, 2010, was "the last supper", or the last time I allowed myself a free-for-all piggout for any meal.  Here's the blog post from that day:


December 28, 2010 Blog Entry

There is about an 80 pound difference between the two pictures.  And that's surely not the only difference!

I am a much more confident me.  I feel like I have so many more goals than I used to have.  I have many more things I want to accomplish or experience in life. I'm no longer one to really just sit on the sidelines and watch life.  I want to jump in there and participate whenever possible!

In a way it's made me look closer at the poor choices that got me so far away from my dreams and goals (from decades ago.)  And That's OKAY.  You can't fix what you don't acknowledge, right?

Anyway, here's another before/after.  The before was the first week of January when I was waiting to get my laser hair removal (eeks.)  The after was taken yesterday.

Sometimes, I just can't believe either is really me.

:-)

Another Day, Another Trainer

So.  Rambo informed me last night that he gave notice and will be gone in less than two weeks, leaving me floundering around waiting for a new trainer.  AGAIN. Grrrrrrrrrrrr.

You know, you KNOWWWWWWW in life, I do not mind making the hard choices.  I do not mind finding the inner strength to get up and do something.  I do not mind sucking it up and doing whatever it takes to get something started.

What I DO mind very much is having to KEEP doing it over and over like freaking Groundhog Day (a la Bill Murray.)

For instance, I needed a new roof for quite a while.  It took a while before I got in a place to be able to deal with getting quotes, checking references, and just DEALING with the whole schmeal.  I hate it in general, but it felt amaZing to (1) pick a contractor, (2) get a date for the installation and (3) know I was getting everything brand new.

What happened then was what I am talking about.  They did a horrendous job.  I had to complain, they came back, did another horrendous job.  I had to get a home inspector out to verify that they, in fact, did a horrendous job, then they came back a third time. ARGGGGGGGGGGGG.

I had a remote starter put in my car.  It took some jockeying to get a good date where nothing else was going on, but I finally had it installed.  It felt amazing to have made and kept the appointment.  Too bad the &*^%&*%! thing doesn't work when the temperature drops below 40 degrees.  So now I have to deal with it ALL OVER AGAIN.

Those are the things that will drive me to utter distraction, that make me crazy.  It was bad enough having to get up the wherewithall to deal with it once, but having to KEEP addressing it...ughhhhhhhhhh.

So here we are going on trainer number 4.  Ugh.   Weight, height, fat composition, goals, blah blah blah.  What a freaking waste of my time!  It's bad enough getting up the gumption to GO to the gym, to deal with all the paperwork of contracting for a trainer, but really?  Every two weeks I end up with no trainer anyway.  I do really want to scream, but to whom?  I don't even get the advantage of coming home to bytch to a spouse about the unfairness of the planet. 

Nope, it's "suck it up, buttercup" as usual.  Oh.  Wait.  But I have all of YOU to whine to, and that does not go unnoticed.  Thank you very much.  Now, if you could draw me a nice hot bath and arrange for a deep massage to get rid of the stress of it all, I'd really appreciate it.

In the meantime, I have half a mind to start acting like I don't NEED a trainer.  I'm not sure, though, where the other half of my mind is, so I don't want to be too hasty.....

♥

The Evolution of "Healthy"

What is "healthy" to you?  What does being healthy look like?  What does it feel like?  What does eating healthy mean?  For me, there has been a slow learning process - an evolution.

When I first started making healthier choices it was pretty basic.  Drink more water.  Then incorporate some extra vegetables in my day (alongside the Big Mac of course.)  Over time the items in my refrigerator and pantry have completely changed.

Where once there was white bread, white rice, potatoes, crackers and other processed carbs, there is now whole grain wraps (which I don't eat often), brown rice, sweet potatoes, organic whole grain crackers (which I also don't eat often.)  Where there was Lean Cuisine processed meals or other frozen dinners there is now fresh meats and vegetables.  The whole milk is replaced with organic lowfat milk.  And if there is an organic version of a food, I strive to get that rather than the chemical-laden versions.

There are almost no sodas in the house (except for company) and snacks are usually plain almonds, string cheese, cottage cheese, carrots, celery, organic peanut butter and the occasional organic dark chocolate square.

The point I'm trying to make is that none of this just happened.  It has taken a few years of substituting one item for another until it became a habit, and then tackling another item.

That's how it goes with all of these healthy lifestyle changes.  I have become more active slowly over time. I started working out once a week, then twice, then three times....now I work out a minimum of 5 days a week (because it FEELS so good to me to do that!)  When I started I could barely walk from the car to a store without being winded.  Now I park as far away as possible, take the stairs when possible, and get out and ride my bike when time permits.  (Note: I didn't own a bike a couple of years ago; it's all part of the evolution.)

Here's the takeaway: Becoming healthy is multifaceted and it doesn't happen overnight.  Make ONE "Next Right Choice" today.  Maybe commit to drinking more water for a week.  Perhaps you can vow to add apples to your daily food intake.  Just do SOMETHING that is a choice in the direction of better health, then do it until it becomes habit.  Once that is mastered, make one more healthy next right choice.

Before you know it, you'll be leaps and bounds ahead of where you are now.  Just one next right choice.  What'll it be?

♥

Reaching Out

"Trouble is part of your life.  If you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough."  -Dinah Shore


For the majority of my life, I have operated in a very specific modus operandi.  It went like this:

• Live life the best I could, mostly alone (I did a lot of my living inside myself)
• When the really bad stuff hit, go deeper inside myself and dig really deep, trying to pull myself back out
• Once the bulk of the problems had past, let people who cared about me know that it happened (usually a sugar-coated "no big deal" version) and that I solved it, and that they wouldn't need to worry about me.
• Rinse. Repeat.

I just could not reach out for help when life was hard, or when I was overwhelmed under the weight of all I had to do.  Dr. Phil has a phrase: (I'm not a big Dr. Phil fan, but I love this phrase)  "How's that working for you?"  Well, it wasn't working very well at all.

When you are in a big hole, the last thing you should probably be doing is grabbing a shovel and digging.  You're only making the hole bigger!  Instead, sometimes you need reach out, ask for help and let someone reach down and help pull you out.

It's taken me a long time to realize this and be okay with it.

I think I've figured out why I did this (and still tend to lean this way.)  I think my self esteem was so low I was petrified to show weakness or vulnerability.  I didn't want to be judged as being bad, or stupid, or incompetent, or needy, or.... (you get the point.)  I was a rock; I was an island.  (And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries, right?)

The past few years, however, I have come to understand so much more about life and how I fit into it all.  For starters, the only person really judging me as harshly as I thought was ME.  Another thing I am learning is that when I completely shut down and blocked people out of my life (sometimes for years while I struggled  to become "acceptable"), I was being very selfish and focused on my own needs.  I wasn't allowing them to show up for me and love me perhaps the way they wanted to.  I kept them at arm's length.

Well, things are a lot different now.  If I need help, I ask for it.  If I'm having a bad day or week or phase, I reach out and let my friends know.  If I'm overwhelmed with all my responsibilities (single family home owner and single parent with a commute and full time job can get a tad overwhelming), I call in the troops.  I have an organizer, someone to mow the lawn, a landscaper to weed the garden.  Whatever it takes to get back on top of things.  Whereas I may have felt in the past there was something wrong with me for not being able to do it all, today I realize, NO ONE is designed to perfectly do it all!

Anyway, in this fitness quest I am finding the same thing.  I have reached out to those who know so much more about fitness and health than I do and am drawing on their experiences to help increase my own understanding and awareness.  And I have a trainer because at this point in my life, that's what I need.  Without having to figure it all out on my own and from scratch, I am moving forward at a really good pace.

My thought for the day:  If you need help, ask for it.  If you don't know how to do something, ask someone.  If you are sinking under the weight of your responsibilities, get help.  If you don't reach out, you are going to make life needlessly harder.  I know.  It's how I rolled for decades.  ♥

Beyond My Limits

I was a dreamer in high school.  I believed in the power of goals.  I believed I could accomplish anything I set my mind to do.  I believed there were no limits to my potential.

Then, life happened.

Two weeks after marrying my first husband and moving out of state with him, he grabbed my shoulders and shook me so hard I thought he was going to break my neck.  That single violent act changed everything.  The physical, verbal, emotional and financial abuse ensued and over time I began to doubt everything that was me.  Which in turn set off a slew of choices that took me farther from becoming that girl who could do anything.  Life imposed huge limits / limitations on me, and I let it.

Well, that's all changed now, hasn't it?

I realize I have imposed limits to all I can do, all I can be, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  I am working hard on establishing several new goals for my life in all of those areas.  And once I make them, I want to stretch them just a little....just past where I THINK the limit is...and see where that leads me.

Last night my trainer pushed me (lunges and squats with kettlebells) beyond what I thought was possible.  I wanted to cry.  I wanted to shout "I can't!"  I wanted to give up.  Instead, I dug deeper, focused through the pain, and took huge, deep, "girl on a mission" breaths.  And I finished what he laid out for me to do...and pushed way past what I thought were my limits.

What are your limits?  Where do you set the bar?  Are you living up to it?  Pushing past it?

One thing I am learning....if left completely on my own, I don't necessarily feel like pushing past any limits (who doesn't like their little comfort zone, right?)  So I am surrounding myself with people who see in me what I can't see (yet)...who believe in me and who can help me set and reach higher goals.  And you know what?  It's working.

:-)

Extractly What I Needed!

I have found an amazing way to spice up my days in the "new me" world I now live in.

EXTRACTS!  Ohhhhh the flavor they have brought into my otherwise dull world!

There are two huge staples in my daily diet:  plain, nonfat Greek yogurt (Fage 0% usually), and coffee.  I love them both and I like them plain just fine.

However, one day, after cutting an apple up into the yogurt, I thought how vanilla yogurt is sometimes a nice treat.  I had some vanilla extract on hand so I gave it a try.  It wasn't really all that tasty, but I liked the idea of adding some kind of flavor.

The next time I went grocery shopping I saw a "French Vanilla Blend".  THAT was amazing in the yogurt and I used it for several days.  On the next trip I got orange extract.  Oh my!  Orange extract into the plain yogurt with raspberries?  Divine! (and I don't add sugar, just a drop of the extract.) I've now got banana, raspberry, strawberry and  more!

I added a few drops of peppermint into my coffee and it was really good (a little drop goes a long way here.) I have also added raspberry and french vanilla.  What an easy, calorie free way to add some extra flavor to perk things up a bit!

When it doubt, experiment, I say.  Sometimes it really pays off and could be just what you need to add a little zest to your meals!

♥

A Different Slant

So my trainer, I'll call him "Rambo" for today, had this great idea to show me all the ab machines last Saturday.  It was awesome.  So awesome that as late as Tuesday night I still couldn't use my muscles to turn over in bed because it hurt so badly. 

Ok, that was an exaggeration.  For starters, I actually asked for an ab workout.  (I may as well have asked to stand and be punched directly into the stomach repeatedly!)  Oh, and the whole not-able-to-turn-over-in-bed thing only lasted until Monday morning.  (That isn't an exaggeration even a little! I didn't even want to eat for two days.)

All was going great during this 30 minute ab marathon until we hit the dreaded "incline slant ab crunch board thingamajiggy."  This is a device that was taken off the list of interrogation tactics for suspected terrorists because it was deemed to be cruel and unusual punishment.

It is the first device at Golds Gym that has (temporarily) beaten me.  I couldn't even do one of these things with good form or as high as Rambo wanted me to go.  I am spitting mad.  So I'm going to do what any self-respecting stubborn hard-headed woman would do.

I'm going to buy a home version of this slant board torture device and practice, practice, practice and I will MASTER IT.  Bring it, ab board...You're Going DOWN!

I WILL post an update to this when I can do at least 10 of these in PERFECT form.  Oh yes, I will.

♥

Breaking Through

This has been a MAJOR week for me so far, and it's only Tuesday!

I have repeatedly put up barriers to my own success in the past.  I have created obstacles that didn't need to be there.  I built walls.  I have found excuses.  I have self-sabotaged.

Please don't think this is arrogant, but I think part of the reason I have put up these barriers is because I really have believed deep down that I'm capable of big things, and somehow I embraced the concept that I was unworthy of success.  I felt I needed to shrink in order to fit in and be liked.  I couldn't handle the thought of being more successful than others in my family.  I didn't know HOW to be a true success.  Failure, that I knew how to do with grace and style.  Give me a hard circumstance and I could turn it into something good.  Give me hardship and I could light a path out of it and lead others out with me.

But success?  Egads, what does THAT look like?  I have had so much potential in so many areas of my life that I let slip away.

In the past, I created and ran three businesses.  All three enjoyed some degree of success and had much bigger potential.  One was a partnership and I didn't get anything in writing.  I arrived at the office one day to learn it had been sold by my partner.  The other two, however, were sole proprietorships and both fully supported me.  Here in Maryland, my business supported me, a deadbeat husband and his failing business, our home, a secretary's full time salary, and a fairly plush office space.  When it imploded I had just secured investors and was about to go national and even market via television.

I'd like to blame my ex entirely for the downfall of the business, but that wouldn't be truthful.  I made a series of choices and if I am honest with myself, I knowingly chose failure OVER certain succeess.  That was a hard sentence to write.

Well, I am certain now that I want success.  I am succeeding in my fitness goals.  I am succeeding in interpersonal relationships.  I want to make choices that will allow me to move forward into the light where I think I should have always been.  Not the spotlight.  Carly's Light.  No more hiding in the shadows.

I will talk more about these goals down the road, but I want to end with my favorite Marianne Williamson poem (often incorrectly attributed to Nelson Mandela) It speaks to my heart:
-------------------------------

Our Deepest Fear
By Marianne Williamson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness
That most frightens us. 

We ask ourselves
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. 

Your playing small
Does not serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking
So that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine,
As children do.
We were born to make manifest
The glory of God that is within us. 

It's not just in some of us;
It's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine,
We unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we're liberated from our own fear,
Our presence automatically liberates others.

♥♥♥

Masks

Art by Don Michael Jr.

I think we are all brought into this world completely mask-free.  Then life starts to happen to us.  Before long we learn that we do not live up to others' expectations.  I'm pretty sure I used to think it was great fun pooping in my pants and I can imagine being ashamed, scared, confused and mortified that my parents didn't share in my joy.  I must have learned that I wasn't measuring up, and wouldn't measure up, until I started doing what was expected of me, saying what was expected of me, and being what I was expected to be.

So maybe in order to integrate and conform, we learned to wear our "good girl" mask or our "nice young man" mask from our earliest purposeful actions.  This seems like it would be true of all humans to some degree, right?

For some of us, though, I think some things happened very early in our lives that took our mask-wearing to a different level.  For me, I was molested between the ages of 8 and 10 (give or take).  The masks became my protection.  I wore a mask pretending that I was okay.  I wore a mask at school of "over achiever."  To compensate, and to feel "okay" I think I worked hard to get school accolades.  I wore a mask at home (I didn't want to worry my parents or cause problems, so I kept quiet about it.)  I went to church every week and felt like a fraud when I was told what a good girl I was.  I knew the real truth about what was going on, so I wore a "good girl" mask.

In high school, I was often the funny one.  The jokester that kept people smiling and laughing.  Sometimes, though, that was a mask.  Sometimes I was goofing around and making people laugh and simultaneously crying on the inside, hiding (masking) my hurt. Better to make the joke and laugh first than to be laughed at?  I don't know, it was a good defensive mask at the time.

In dating, I felt who I was deep down was damaged goods.  I couldn't just be "me" because "me" was getting buried further and further down as I started living externally (being who I thought someone else wanted me to be to help hide the real me.)  So I wore a girlfriend mask, and later, a wife mask.

I think my weight piled on as another form of mask.  It was a protective layer where you could not see "me" through it, but I could see you, just like a mask.  It kept me at arm's length from people.  It let me hide inside my seclusion where it was safe.  Or so I thought.

I'm not saying I had a horrible life, that I never lived authentically, or that my entire world revolved around external validation.  But I had so many freaking masks, my authentic, scared self was buried most of the time and I didn't even know it at the time.  Not fully.

I have worked very hard over the past 7 years since becoming single to figure out who is underneath all those layers of defenses.  I have worked hard to reveal who I am (even to myself), one mask at a time as I have shed them.  The closer I get to living without ANY masks, the more I am able and excited to shed the weight, also.

Part of this might be age, as well.  I am finally in a place where I do not apologize for being who I am.  I like who I am.  I embrace my imperfections in a way I never did before.  And one of my greatest goals is to live out loud, completely true to who I am, inside and out.

My emotions are ahead of the physical at the moment.  My heart has been set free to just be who I am.  And I am excited for the day when my body no longer wears a mask, either.  Then I will be completely whole again.

If I could pass anything along to folks today, it would be to strive to get rid of your masks.  You were made perfectly imperfect, made to be exactly who you are, without apology.  You are good, good enough, and those masks, though they once may have protected you, are probably not serving you well anymore.  Try to find out any place where you are not being true to yourself, to your heart, and fix it.  The freedom is amazing.

♥

You Are Succeeding!

Did you know that right now, this very minute, you are 100% absolutely, totally succeeding?  Ralph Marston has a wonderful perspective on this:

ALWAYS SUCCESSFUL
---------------------------------------
In each and every moment, you are successful at doing something. You take action, and that action successfully brings a result. 
Success is not really something you must strive to create, for you are always making it happen. What's important is defining and intending the success you do create so that it is a positive force in your world. 

Many people are successful at just barely getting by. Others are successful at bringing pain and dismay into their lives. 

Yet the very same skills that succeed at creating mediocrity and despair, can also be used to create rich fulfillment. What's needed is not so much a change in effort as a change in focus. 

You truly deserve a great and wonderful life, and you have everything necessary to experience that life. Keep your thoughts focused on your most meaningful desires, and your actions will align with those thoughts. 

You're always succeeding at something. Choose now to make it something great. 

-- Ralph Marston




Think about it!  You can be successful at procrastinating.  Are you being successful at avoiding something you have to do?  Maybe you are being 100% successful at overeating to avoid feelings of loneliness.  Or you are 100% successful at creating a barrier of fat between you and the world in order to keep yourself insulated and protected from hurt.  Are you successfully suppressing your hopes and dreams because it hurts too much to think about them and not act on them?

I love this whole quote so much.  You are already totally successful.  We all are.  We are succeeding at what we are choosing.

So once we change our mindset and PURPOSEFULLY decide WHAT to succeed at, it can start to happen.  It doesn't have to be all at once.  How about you succeed at allowing yourself to dream?  Allow yourself to envision what kinds of goals you want to have!

Then make a plan, and start moving in that direction.

It's amazing when you realize it all comes down to your own choices, and remember, choosing to NOT make decisions (and let life just happen to you) IS a choice that you may be successfully living, also.

Think.  Dream.  Plan.  Decide.  CHOOSE~

God, life is GOOD.

♥

Just One Choice

So my food has been pretty sloppy lately.  A 10 day span without a personal trainer, a feasting holiday and a crazy schedule, combined with some high level stress and I've got a perfect storm for excuse-making.

In reality, I have two choices:  Make good choices, or make excuses.  And the whole motto of my world is supposed to be about making the next right choice, not the next right friggen excuse, right?  RIGHT!

I have a long distance workout buddy now who is even more motivated than I am and a heck of a lot more self-disciplined than I am.  As a fitness bud, to increase my likelihood of success and to help get me back in the right mindset, I have agreed to take pics of everything I eat today and picture message it over to my friend for accountabililty.

It's AMAZING how just ONE next RIGHT choice leads to an entirely different perspective.  By simply sending off a pic of my apple this morning, I got a little excited.  Sending over the pic of the oatmeal was downright empowering.
That one decision (to send food pics) set an entire series of next right choices into motion today.  And that one single act COMPLETELY altered the trajectory from a probable path of sloppy eating and then self flaggelation to clean eating and pride instead.

Cool, huh?

Make one good choice today.  It doesn't matter what it is.  Do it because you want to feel better.  Do it because you want to look better.  Do it because you want to be better.  Do it because you're worth it.  Do it because you want to prove you can.  Do it because the alternative is having a bad day when all it might take to turn your entire day around is JUST. ONE. CHOICE.

Just do it!

♥

A Scale Tale

Once upon a time, I hated scales.  In fact, I avoided them for years at a time!  Why on earth, when I wasn't ready to do anything about it (and really, probably couldn't do anything about it at the time), would I want the details of how bad it was?  Heck no!  I was the queen of denial and I didn't even OWN a scale until last year.





Then there came a point when the reality smacked me in the face.  You can't fix what you don't acknowledge.  Sort of like this:








Then I started doing what I call scale gymnastics.  That's where you figure out the absolute best way to stand on the scale to yield the lowest possible number.  Instead of standing directly on it, if I could shift my weight a little to the right, and turn my right foot on a slight angle, while putting the tippy toes of my left foot up against the window where the numbers were, the number would always be less!  YAY!  So on weeks where I didn't eat right, or exercise well, it was no big problem.  I could just do some scale gymnastics and VOILA, I lost a pound!  woohoo!!

Now, I'm at peace with the scale.  If I do my part, the scale reflects my next right choices.  If I have an off week, or month, well, the scale is just reporting the consequence of those choices, too.  It's all good.  I guess because I accept that there will be good days/weeks/months and sometimes not-so-good ones, the scale is no longer something to avoid.

And just to toot my own horn a bit...it's down 5 pounds from last week.  I really feel like (and know) I'm back on track and moving forward again.  YAY!

♥

Core Strength

"The turning point in the process of growing up
is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt."

Max Lerner

"Core Strength" is all the buzz these days. What I'm learning in the world of fitness, it's all about strengthening the core of the human body - the abs and back muscles that are so deep they attach to the spine and pelvis. It is the foundation from which all other movement occurs; it is the physical center of a person's body. When the core is strong, everything else works much better, easier, with less effort or struggle.

Before I could get to a place where I could even consider working on my core physical strength, I had to first examine my core emotional and spiritual strength.



The Emotional Core

My emotional core was severely damaged at a very young age due to some life trauma.

I spent a lifetime feeling "less than" everyone else. I wasn't good, I wasn't good enough. At my core was shame. I couldn't seem to do or be enough to satisfy my inner longing to be accepted and loved. I looked outside for external validation for everything from how smart I was, to how I looked, to how funny I was, to the kind of job I had. I needed someone outside of myself to tell me I was okay, and sadly, even if they did tell me that, at my core, I did not believe them.

The core belief that I was "less than" led me to accept "less than" in my marriage(s). It led me to accept "less than" my dreams. It led me to accept "less than" living up to the potential I was created to reach. Fortunately for me, a friend came into my life that helped debunk those core beliefs.

She loved me. She didn't love me IF I looked, acted, behaved, performed a certain way. She didn't love me despite all my inherent badness (that I thought I had.) She didn't love me IF I loved her back a certain way. She didn't love me conditionally IF I met her needs, jumped through hoops, and met some certain standard. She just loved me and said, "I love who you are. Period. It has nothing to do with any choice you have ever made or will ever make on any given day." And somehow that reached deep into the core of my being and broke something loose. I believed her.

That one conversation opened up the floodgates to another area in my life.



The Spiritual Core

I was raised Catholic. I still love many of the traditions of Catholicism and although I no longer call myself Catholic, there is a tremendous respect I have for the religion. However, at least in my case, I never really understood the concepts of "grace" or "mercy" fully. To me, the message I received was that all humans are bad, miserable failures, there's not a thing we can do about it, but we better keep trying. When we screw up, we must do penance, repent, and try hard to not do it again, only to know deep down we are miserable sinners who are going to fail. But have no fear, despite our inherent badness, God loves us anyway.

Whether intentional or not, or whether my own mind played a part in the interpretation, that is the basic message I spent my life believing.

Now, after understanding the grace and mercy of a friend, I began to understand God's grace and God's mercy. Through the love of a friend, I suddenly realized that right now, today, exactly where I am, regardless of anything I did or said or that happened to me yesterday, I am perfectly loved. I realized that all these imperfections are part of the perfect plan! I had a clean slate. Yesterday was really, truly gone and there was no need whatsoever to worry about it. Today, I am good, good enough, and there was absolutely no reason to carry around all that shame. There's a song I love that expresses it so well:






The Next Right Choice - MY Core

Slowly, over the past few years, I have been moving toward an incredible new life. New thoughts, new patterns of behaving, new friends, a new house, a new town. I even got a new job. It feels like the past is very far behind me now.

But what else is true is that the core of shame is not entirely gone. It hangs around, lurking, waiting for an opportunity to jump in and take over my thoughts and feelings.

Through some trial and error, however, I have come to understand that it is entirely within my power to keep it at bay and to keep myself moving forward into the life I have always wanted. And it all comes down to making the "Next Right Choice" today.

• For today, I choose to walk by faith, because for me, that is what works. Because when I am plugged in to my spiritual self, I am stronger. My core is filled with hope, strength, life and light.

• For today, I choose to try to eat healthy. Because when my core food choices are healthy, it creates a foundation from which my mind makes better choices and on which my body can function with more energy.

• For today, I choose to get moving. I work the abs, the back, the legs, the arms, and the heart. Because when at my core there is a stronger body, I can move better throughout the day. I have energy to keep going and do all those things I want to do. I can carry myself out into the world, explore it, and participate in it...fully.

Conclusion

If you ask me, core strength is pretty darned important! I encourage everyone to examine their core beliefs about themselves, their core beliefs about their spiritual lives, and to act consistently with what rings true for you. Living authentically, being true to who you are, and not letting the world rob you of your Self...now THAT is Core Strength!






♥

Motivation

From August through October the biggest problem I faced was a complete lack of motivation. I lost focus after the family and high school reunions and didn't really have any big goals to focus on.

In turn, I slowly stopped exercising, stopped blogging, got incredibly messy with my food choices, and started to get depressed.    Slipping off into isolation made it worse. A little cause-and-effect action there? Yeah, I'd say so.

So now it appears that I have my mojo back.  I want to stop and look at what it took to get it back, and think about how I'm going to KEEP it going.

To get back on track, I had to admit how bad it was.  I had to come to grips with the reality that not only had I not lost a single pound since June, I had actually gained 18 pounds.  (That's right, 18.)  That hurt.  Even as I looked at the scale, I kept saying "wow, I gained a couple of pounds."  I didn't do the math.  It was 18 pounds.

Then I had to forgive myself and say it's okay, at least it wasn't like previous attempts where I'd fall off the program and keep on gaining until I'd gained it all back and then some.  I caught it in time for it to just be a slip and not a full blown relapse into the old patterns.  (This forgiving myself and accepting that life happens is HUGE in overcoming a roadblock.  Remembering I can hop back on track at any point of any day and leave the past behind me is critical.  I can't move freely into tomorrow if I'm trying to drag yesterday in with me!)

Next, I had to end the isolation.  One fact of my life is that I lack the motivation to consistently push myself physically without some sort of accountability.   Blogging helps tremendously.  Putting this all out there publicly most certainly keeps me accountable to someone besides myself.

I got a trainer - someone knowledgeable who can make sure I work out all the muscle groups and not just the parts that feel good, that I like best, or where I'm strongest.  This is someone who's going to say, "keep going, you have one more minute" when I feel like saying "that's ALL I can do."  This is someone who says, "You can do one more" when I say I want to quit.  And I'm just stubborn enough to prove him right.  :-)

I got a workout partner.  I meet my friend at the gym on trainer days and we work out for 30 minutes before I meet with the trainer (so far I'm doing some cardio and warmups during that time.)  Then on days when I don't meet with the trainer, we meet either at the gym or at my home to work abs, core, and practice techniques.

These things so far have picked me back up and got me moving again.

What's going to KEEP me going forward and motivated?  Here are some thoughts, let's see how they pan out:

1. Focus on how far I've come, not how far I have to go.  There's still a long journey ahead and that gets so flipping depressing sometimes.  If I instead look at where I started in this journey, and all I have overcome to get where I am, I get a little energized to help tackle today.
2. Focus on today.  I don't have to worry about all of this week, next week, next month.  If I do the "next right choice" JUST for today (am I doing cardio? weights? toning?  Ok...then just do it) it's easily managed.
3. Find a goal and reward system that works.  On weight watchers they give silly little stars on your profile when you lose 5 lbs. or reach some other preset milestone.  That doesn't motivate me.  Buying myself a new outfit when I reach a new size down DOES motivate me.  Thinking about losing another dress size motivates me.  And thinking about seeing folks next spring when I'm unrecognizable motivates me.  So I need to make travel plans for the spring and show off what will be the new me, right?  I think I'm going to start Googling for where I shall travel next year.  That will motivate me.
4. Music motivates me.  I need to create good playlists to take with me to the gym.  While I LOVE my Avett Brothers, I need new playlists that keep it fresh and can be changed depending on types of workouts or the mood I'm in.  That will give me something to work on when I'm not at the gym, but still thinking about my good choices.  And to say I love music is an understatement.  Discovering new bands is a favorite pastime!
5. "Just Do It."  Nike got it right.  No matter what, I need to JUST. Do. It.  I have never left the gym or gotten off the treadmill saying "man, I wish I didn't work out today."  Duh.  I ALWAYS am glad I did it and (and this is the most important part) I LOVE HOW I FEEL WHEN I DO IT.  I have to focus on the fact that "Just Doing It" FEELS BETTER than not doing it!

So I'm going to tag this post with "Motivation" and come find it when I'm lacking motivation.  I have to tell you, my trainer keeps trying to motivate me saying "Just think of the bikini this summer."  LOL It makes me laugh on the inside.  I'm 45 and have never worn a bikini, have no desire to wear one, and am pretty sure no one else would want me to. 

 I'll need to work with him to come up without something that is truly motivating.  Something like... "Think of the CRUISE you're going to treat yourself with when you reach your goal......"

;-)

I Pick Things Up, I Put Them Down

Well, I've done it. I've dragged my plateau'd derriere over to Gold's Gym, and gotten myself a trainer named Danny.

When you're making these life goals, and if you really want them badly enough, then:

1. You're going to set yourself up to SUCCEED, and
2. You're going to do whatever it takes to make it work.

When I first signed up, Golds, via Compel Fitness, signed me up with a young trainer who had issues with being on time, which morphed into issues with showing up at all. I was upset, there was no one else available in the time slots I needed and I was about to demand a refund when they suggested there may be another trainer in the pipeline.

I held on and decided I was worth figuring all this out. I simply cannot motivate myself without a trainer. I do not know why. I'm a smart girl. I want this...the fitness...the weight loss....BAD! And yet, given the choice between sitting on my arse watching X Factor or watching it while on the treadmill, I choose being a couch cushion warmer. So folks like me need to pay to be told to move. So be it. It is what it is.

I'll tell you about my new trainer. HE ROCKS. He gets me! He knows I'm motivated and knows we're in this together. On days that we don't meet, he has written instructions on what I should be doing. He asks me questions like "Is there anything you need to confess?" hahaha (like the Chocolate Cake I made last weekend. Shhhhhhhh.)

He's killing me already, and I love it. LOVE. IT.

Yesterday he had me doing arm exercises to a point where I was literally shaking. He said, "That's it...you want to work to the point of failure." I busted out laughing and said, "then we may as well just call it a day, I'm already there!" :-) He actually meant you have to overwork the muscle until IT fails/tears...but you know, I'm a smart allack...

Anyway, I'm on the move. I'm feeling like I'm really back on track. The food is good (clean, accounted for, healthy), and I'm doing some form of exercise every day (even if it's just stretching some days). I have an awesome workout partner (my ex's other ex, but that's a whole 'nuther story hehe) and we're really committed.

I used to think a gym was filled with mostly guys like this youtube video:

But that's just not so.  There's just a bunch of people doing the best they can to either get in shape, or stay in shape.  So if they are 110 pounds and too thin, or 330 pounds and overweight, it doesn't matter.  They share the same goal.  And I noticed most people are too busy doing their own thing to worry about the gal with the thunder thighs next to them (me hehe).

So for the next 6 months, me and Gold's will be getting up close and personal.  And I'll have to come back and tell you more about my trainer.  Maybe he won't mind a picture (so he and I can do before/afters for this phase of my Carly Project!)

~Carly ♥



If you are getting this in email, you won't be able to see the youtube video so you'll have to come to the site to see it (link is down at the bottom.)

Universal Sucking

This funk of mine just doesn't want to go away. Mind you, the best thing I can DO to get OUT of a funk, is to GET UP, and GET OUT, and MOVE, and take ACTION and leave the funk behind.

Still, there's absolutely no point in experiencing a funk if I can't over-analyze it and then broadcast my funk findings, right? :-)

Whilst sitting around in this funk yesterday (eating, not exercising, have a right jolly old pity party, complete with nostalgic music to make me homesick for a past I can never go home to, you know, greatly enhancing the funk drama), I found myself feeling like I got the short end of life's stick in so many ways.

Poor me; no man has ever loved me. (I can assure you the two men, who claimed to, did not, in fact, actually love me. Love doesn't brutalize. Just saying.) Anyway....Poor me, I've been doing life alone for 7 years with no family in the state. Poor me, I have a long commute. Poor me, being a single mom everything lands on my shoulders alone and it's so much responsibility. Poor me, my house is a 1947 home that needs everything replaced. Poor me....you get the idea.

I tried to make myself cry. I put on Linda Ronstadt's "Somewhere Out There" and then laughed at the Youtube video. What a dorky haircut and cheesy song (I like cheesy though.)

Then I Googled poetry for sad, lonely, loneliness, aloneness, being alone, blah blah blah. I thought most of the poetry I was reading kind of stunk and it didn't make me cry, either. (Mind you, when I wasn't TRYING to cry, several tear ducts opened wide up and released some tears...well I needed that in order to clean out those ducts...I tend to hold tears in for months at a time.)

Right. So then I somehow got thinking, "This sucks." You know, all of it. It just sucks. Being human. Doing life. Going through all the motions. Making choices, hitting brick walls, backing up, making other choices, hitting more brick walls, rinse, repeat.

Then I asked myself "Who DOESN'T it suck for?"

Hmmmmm. Now THAT was a good question that started to turn my day around. I thought...

Well, it sucks for black people having to overcome SO MUCH hatred. It sucks for immigrants trying to come here and find a better life, leaving their families behind. It sucks for women, not making as much as men and having SO MUCH responsibility. It sucks for men, always having to "be strong" in stereotypical he-man fashion. It sucks for Native Americans. I mean, come on, we invaded their land, killed whole populations, and took over like we owned the place. And then took ownership! It sucks for people with learning and physical disabilities. It sucks for poor people with not enough to eat. It sucks for rich people who can't handle because someone always did everything for them. It sucks for famous people who can never go out on the street without being recognized. It sucks for Obama having half the globe hate you. It sucks worse for Bush having 3/4 of the globe hate you. That was a sobering thought...it even sucks to be President sometimes.

And it occurred to me, that this entire planet, the cold, hard world, is filled with Universal Sucking.

And our job is to do what we can to make it less sucky, one little choice at a time. And that first choice can be in how we choose to look at things. Hopeful, or hopeless. That's really what it all comes down to for me at any given moment.

Today? Today I am hopeful. I am hopeful that having all these goals means something. I am hopeful that forging ahead, making myself be strong, forcing myself to keep going in a forward motion....will impact my son and he will incorporate these lessons into his toolbox for life.

Maybe there isn't really Universal Sucking. Maybe there is Universal humanity and we get to choose if it sucks or not. I like that a lot. (Of course, I already knew it. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the same things DAILY. That's why affirmations work so well!)

So there. Funk Day is over and it apparently wasn't a total waste of time! Yay!

♥

MIA Update

I'd like to apologize for being missing in action for so long.  I had been at a stand still for so long, and even though I have ideas rattling around in my brain all the time for my blog, I haven't felt like blogging.  In fact, I've almost dreaded it.

You see, I love to share the good stuff.  When I'm kicking butt, moving right along, making great headway in life it seems like life is so sun-shiney and good.that I can radiate rainbows from my derriere,   Who wouldn't want to share all that energy and positivity?

On the other hand, when I'm being what I deem "mediocre", I slip silently away hoping to not be seen or heard, wanting to fade into the woodwork.  I do not like BEING blah, so I really don't like TALKING about being blah.  Still, BLAH is a part of the human condition and I need to share the whole process, not just the bits and pieces that make me look best. :)

For now, I'll post a couple of new before/after pics.  I have been back on track for a little while now and am just about the same weight I was in June.  I consider that a victory considering in the past I'd gain back everything I lost and then some.  This time it's different.  This time nothing is going to keep me from living the life I can have - being healthy, fit, and happy.

I have a lot to say...about personal trainers, about making worthy realistic goals, and next right choices.

Blogging is a next right choice, even if it seems like a chore lately. What it does is keep me accountable, and for some reason, people like me...we need that. :-)

Grocery Tip #3

My local neighborhood grocery store went out of business on the 4th of July and I have been trying different stores trying to find my new "home" store.  I went to two different Shoppers Food Warehouses, an International store down the road, a Food Lion and a Safeway.  None felt like "home.

I went recently to Giant Foods, however, and was pretty blown away. The first thing of note was that hey have an optional hand-carried scanner that can you can take with you in the grocery store.  You grab some bags, your "wand" and head out.

As you find things you want, you scan them into the device and then put them in your grocery bag.  If you have produce or salad bar, there are scales everywhere.  You press a button to indicate which item you are buying and it prints out a label with bar code which you can scan and then stick on the item.  So entirely cool!

Down side:  It can be a little cumbersome and it can feel a little time consuming as you weigh produce or scan and bag as you go.

Up side: Because you are really taking your time and thinking about each purchase, you are really considering if you want the item or not.  Also, you get a running total as you go, which makes you completely aware of how it's adding up.  Best part?  Sail right through the check-out (self checkout) because you just point your scanner at a barcode, it reads the info from your handheld device, you pay and leave.  The scanning and bagging's already done!  Love it.

I ordinarily spend over $200 at the grocery store.  (I know - that sounds so bad but healthy isn't cheap!!!)  But at Giant I spent only $129 and got most of what I needed, without a bunch of stuff I didn't need!  If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it.

Giant Foods had a great variety of everything I was looking for.  There were a lot of organics mixed in with everything else as well as an entire long natural, whole foods and/or organic aisle.  I was pretty impressed.

They also have the peapod service where you can order online and get the groceries delivered right to your door.  I've done that in the past - their produce was always very fresh and good (compared to Safeway delivery.  I swear Safeway hand picked everything that was about to go bad or that the public wouldn't buy and stuffed it into the delivery orders.  Ack!)

So if I was rating with a star system, 1 star being "bad" and 5 stars being "great," Giant would get 4.5 stars from me.  It's VERY consumer-friendly, affordable (wait, there are no groceries that are affordable these days), good quality and the store was impeccably clean.  Yay Giant!

A Chill Is In The Air

Winter is an etching, spring a watercolor, summer an oil painting and autumn a mosaic of them all.  
                                                              ~Stanley Horowitz


This is the first day that really feels like autumn. I LOVE IT. It's 58 degrees and there is a dry, crisp feel in the air. A perfect day for snuggling up with a soft blanket and a good book or movie. Too bad I've been working all day! But the season is young and I've got big plans for this fall!


I cooked chicken yesterday in the crock pot. It was SO good this time. Just onions on the bottom, chicken stuffed with a halved lemon, no additional liquid, and roasting on low for 5-6 hours. Mmmmmm fall off the bone goodness. There was quite a bit left over.


This morning I decided to use the leftover chicken for soup. Too bad I didn't think of it yesterday before I threw out all that stock! Still, I've so seldom made soup I didn't even really know what to do. So I did what any self respecting slug would do and just made it up as I went along rather than Googling for a recipe. :-)

I put in just the leftover chicken, shredded, about 6 cups of organic chicken stock, a 16 oz. bag of frozen vegetables, two handfuls of tri-colored pasta twists and salt and pepper. It cooked for hours in the crock pot. The pasta fell apart but that only made it extra thick which I happened to like.


Mmmm, mmmm, good! (Wait, that's already taken. Shoot. How about "yum?")


I'm so proud of myself. I cook almost everything from scratch these days and it's healthy, mostly organic, and tastier than all the highly processed stuff. There was a time when I could barely get myself to the grocery store and most of the basket was precooked, frozen dinners, highly processed microwavable things.


I want to come back and blog a little about the process from there to here. It wasn't a direct line. It was definitely a zig-zagged line and it required fixing a lot of other things along the way. And of course, there's still much work to do on Project Carly. :-)


Enjoy your fall weekend! Back to work for me....with soup in the ready!


♥