On Honesty

There's a saying:  "You can't change what you don't acknowledge."  I have seen it attributed to Dr. Phil, but I know I heard it long before he came around.  Regardless, it's one of life's truths.

One thing that I have been having a really hard time reconciling inside of myself is the grand canyon divide in my mind between what I really look like and what I want to look like, what I want the goal to be.

At times I have seen myself as "normal" weight, pretty, professional looking - not in great need of too much 'fixing.'  I'll admit, I have no full length mirrors at my house and haven't for many years.  I see from the shoulders up.  And since the dawn of Facebook I have figured out many amazing angles for getting just the right flattering picture, too!  Take my blog photo.  That's me.  It was taken in November 2010.  There is no doctoring.  BUT.  My hair is pulled forward hiding the puffy bits, I'm not smiling (which also creates puffiness), and the camera angle is slightly up, which makes an extra chin or two vanish magically when done right.  (Added note:  I have since taken that pic down and replaced it with one from 1/13/11)

A person can get an ego boost looking at a hot pic of herself thinking, wow, I really AM okay!  But then my dad visited a few weeks ago and walked by my laptop when I had the facebook pic up and he said, "Who the hell is that?" I guess that's called a "Reality Jolt."  I explained it was me and even he didn't believe it.

Now I'm thinking of all my online friends who see that and think I'm .... well....someone else and it's pretty  deflating.  Or the folks I went to school with on Facebook who must be thinking, wow, she really changed.

"What a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive."  ~Sir Walter Scott.

So in order to get busy evolving into what I want, I have to start at ground zero.  Where am I starting REALLY?  I'm not ready to post stuff like weight or measurements.  Let me get a good headstart into the process and I'll backtrack and tell all.  Really I will.  Right now it's too fresh and raw to leave exposed.

Here are two more accurate starting pictures.  They are poor quality, but I'm posting them anyway because they have meaning.  They were taken before and after a Phil Vassar concert.  This first one is a full body shot so we (you AND me) can get the *ahem* bigger, more accurate picture. (Same me, just no trick camera work :-)

November 7, 2010

The second was taken a couple hours later with Phil Vassar himself
(note I was groping him hehe)

Now the significance:  He wrote a song called "Carlene" (my given name) which is becoming my theme song as I get ready for a big class reunion in 2013.

PHIL VASSAR'S CARLENE ON YOUTUBE

Carlene

by Phil Vassar

I was lousy at math, failed historian
Carlene was the valedictorian
I was the quarter back in the back of classes
She was the whiz kid in horned rim glasses

It's been a long time since I've been around
Since I stepped foot on my old stomping ground
I ended up by the old school yard
When this red head pulled up in a blue sports car
She said, "I bet you don't remember, I guess it's been forever."
It took a second to put it all together and I said.

Ooh la la la la la
Looking good Carlene
Woh my my my my my
Times been good to you
If you know what I mean
Girl you glitter like hollywood
Good god carlene
You sure are lookin good

She said hop in let's go for a spin
Tell me whatcha been doing boy and where you been
I said I write songs, you probably didn't know, but I
finally got a couple out on country radio
She said, "What a switch, ain't life funny, I've got a PHD,
now I'm modeling for money."
Imagine little miss 4.0 just smiling for the camera on the cover of Vogue
I said you've come a long way since graduation
Let me say without hesitation
You've surpassed everyone's expectations

Ooh la la la la la
Looking good Carlene
Woh my my my my my
Times been good to you
If you know what I mean
Girl you glitter like hollywood
Good god carlene
You sure are lookin good

I said I hope to see you again someday
She said another ten years is too long to wait
Pick me up at my Momma's at eight!

And I said.

Ooh la la la la la
Looking good Carlene
Woh my my my my my
Times been good to you
If you know what I mean
Ooh la la la la la
Looking good Carlene
Woh my my my my my
Times been good to you
If you know what I mean
Ooh la la la la la
Looking good Carlene
Woh my my my my my
Times been good to you
If you know what I mean

============================================

I feel better getting honest with myself and with everyone else.  It is what it is.  You can't fix what you pretend doesn't exist.  This prep work leading up to My Year is time well spent, I think.

Anyone else want to gear up with me?  :-)