Aloneness

I have done the majority of life alone.  It's just a fact.  It's not a whine, or a complaint.  I'm not searching for sympathy or a "there, there."  I'm not condemning or blaming.  I'm not trying to figure out the hows or the whys of the matter.  I just want to talk about what it's like for me...being alone...living alone....doing life alone.  I think it's relevant.

I searched deviantart.com for ages looking for a drawing, or painting, or sketch...some pictorial representation of my kind of aloneness.  This comes close:

http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?q=alone&order=9&offset=24#/d3111g3

She walks alone among people.  She is not necessarily frightened.  But she does seem to need to figure out where to go, what to do, how to manage....by herself.  She's found something that brings her comfort to hold onto in her aloneness.  And she is walking.  Can't really stop...life doesn't allow for that...so onward, forward, taking the next steps to.....where?  She doesn't know...but she'll keep on walking.  She'll bump into folks and maybe travel a little part of the journey with them.  Then they will leave her alone again and she will pick up and start walking again until she arrives at her destination.  I think she'll just know "home" when she gets there.

I am not home.  Not yet.  There really isn't one.  No home base.  I have lived in this state for 20 years, but it's not home.  I have traveled with people, and enjoyed many parts of those travels, but there has always been an invisible wall between me and them of which I have been very aware.

For the past 6+ years I have been really, truly alone.  It's hard to describe.  There are no relatives in this state and only very recently have I made closer acquaintances.  It's hard to make friends when you have a 45 minute commute each way, a full time job and are a single parent.  The apartment I moved into after separating ended up being a very "rough" place to try to bring up a child, so I bought this house.  It's nice.  So much better than the apartment.  In some ways.

I needed to put in some window air conditioners.  I asked around; there was no one to help me.  I asked at work.  Folks politely explained they had other engagements, etc.  I asked at baseball.  Folks kind of ignored me.  The forecast was for 100 degrees and I couldn't have my son baking in that heat (my house has a ton of glass and it's like a sauna most of the time as it is.)  So I ended up paying someone off craigslist to come do that as well as haul a couple of things off the property that were too big for my CR-V.  Since I don't know anyone with a pickup truck who would actually help me.

Those are times when I feel painfully alone.  Most folks would know someone in the state to call.  An uncle, cousin, friend's husband, etc.

Parenting is kind of like that, too.  I'm that little girl in the photo, trying to figure out life and what I'm supposed to be doing and at the same time, also try to figure out this whole parenting gig.  I'm doing okay of course.  My son's amazing.  I am blessed.  He's truly a gift in my world.  But still, parenting isn't easy and there's no one to ask "was I too harsh?" or no one to run things by as they are happening.

I've been to some pretty dark places in the past 6+ years.  I sometimes wonder what all this is for....I mean, what's the goal?  What's the prize?  Why am I killing myself to get it all right?  Am I going to wake up one day wondering where life drifted off to while I was busy keeping afloat?  Will the weight matter?  Will the smoking or not smoking matter?  Will my faith matter?  Will anything matter?

Oddly, I'm not in a dark place at all today.  I'm really not.  I'm just sharing the kinds of thoughts that run through my head when I'm not being goofy and dorky and positive.  Y'all see fun, funny, positive, can-do, go get 'em, etc.  But there's also another very real side to me.

This side gets really tired of doing the tangible aspects of life so alone. (I know I have moral support and oodles of 'virtual' friends!)  It's been a hard several years and I'm ready for a break.

The great news is that this year, life is coming together finally.  I am finding really nice (live, in person) friends to hang out with. My friendships from the past few years have seemed to grow stronger than they ever were before.  And I've had more company in the past two months than in the past 5 years (no kidding.)  So this seems to be a turning point for me, and I'm glad.

It really feels like inner and outer balance are all within reach and are, in fact, starting to happen.  Whew.  Let's hope this is a continuing trend.  Scratch that.  I will make sure this is a continuing trend.  :-)

♥♥♥