I've been thinking about being human, and how part of that human experience is realizing life is filled with contradictions.
I'm definitely a walking contradiction. So I wonder why that is, where it comes from, and if it's something I need to change. I spent a while navel gazing on this one (you know, staring at my navel, maybe picking out a little fluff, while deep in thought) and arrived at the undeniable truth. It's okay. It really is.
I long for, and crave, close hugs and physical touch and can also occasionally find myself recoiling from touch, even the hugs from my son.
I believe that God made the universe. And I believe in evolution. (Don't ask, but it makes perfect sense to me.)
I believe in predestination, and I believe 100% that you are responsible for your own choices and journey.
Sometimes I will run away from you, but when you turn to go I'll grab your hand and hold on.
I'm fiercely independent and self sufficient and incredibly needy.
I can simultaneously manage a highly technical career and taking classes/getting certifications/going back to college, be a homeowner and a landlord, be a mother to a wonderful, active child and all that entails, and be a friend to many people who I connect with, but I become paralyzed when faced with piles of laundry, a washer, a dryer, an iron and a closet.
I can crank up the contemporary christian music on the car radio to sing out loud and as soon as someone cuts me off I stop singing, call him a %$*^&%!!!! and then resume the song. (ouch.)
I want so much to be around people, laugh, share, talk, just "be" and yet I isolate, by choice, most of the time.
And I believe with all my heart that people come in to my world for a reason, a season, or a lifetime (and I'm totally okay with that) and yet I am so reluctant to let the non-lifetime ones go.
I don't think flushing out the root of my walking contradictions is even important. I think what's important is that I embrace them as all part of who I am, and that it's okay, and that if I say something I believe with all my heart today, then change my mind tomorrow, that's okay, too.
My life has been called the "Carly Coaster." I used to try to make it stop, and stay within the confines of the "right track" so I wouldn't get hurt Now I just invest in better airbags and in really good, non judgmental friends who ocassionally set me back on the tracks after I derail. :-)
love this, honest and so spot on.
ReplyDeleteAnnie, I think there comes a time...maybe it's age? Maybe it's enough experiences behind us....when we realize, this might be as good as it gets...maybe...I'm just okay the way I am. :-) It's a great place to land...and I think that's another blog topic....
ReplyDelete♥
It took me a minute to find a copy, and if you give me some more time, I'll find the author and give due credit....but one of the old "Box'ers" wrote this....and I thought it was amazing enough to save it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad I did. Kinda like what you said, only different:
I Am Me
I am complicated... but simple
I am stubborn... but willing to change
I am high maintenance... but easy to please
I am a singer... but I love to dance
I am a writer... but I read
I am a performer... but I stay in the background
I am the center of attention... but looking in
I dominate... but want to be dominated
I am aggressive... but shy
I am passionate... but apathetic
I am young... but have an old soul
I am a listener... but don't always hear
I am brave... but scared
I am thoughtful... but I forget
I feel... but I'm indifferent
I am rough... but gentle
I know... but I have questions
I love... but I hate
I am together... but in pieces
I am found... but lost
I have... but always want
I am here... but over there
I am curious... but I don't ask
I am sweet.. but sour
I experiment... but I'm a prude
I dream... but I don't wake up
I drive... but I ride
I explore... but don't leave
I laugh... but I cry
I am excited... but bored
I am truthful... but I lie
I don't like you but... I will lead you on
I want... but I don't care
I get drunk... but I don't drink
I create... but I don't imagine
I wish... but I don't do
I am helpful... but need help
I walk... but I don't run
I say goodbye.... but never leave
I am grounded... but I float
I am beautiful... but ugly
I am aroused... but turned off
I am seen... but am invisible
I am in love... but cannot love
I am touched... but do not feel
I intimidate... but I'm intimidated
I am pure... but stained
I am willing... but not ready
I give up... but never surrender
I am quiet... but loud
I am a winner... but always lose
I am yours... but always mine
I am controlled... but I lose control
I am free... but always chained
I am alone... but crowded
I am a fantasy... but not a reality
I am a mother... but also a child
I am a friend... but also a lover
I am a wife... but also a woman
I may be an anomaly...
...but I am Me.
This made me smile Carly... I believe you are a WOMAN! And we are full of contradictions and that is makes us PERFECTLY okay. =)
ReplyDeleteDiana