30 Pounds of Pain

I returned home from a visit to Maine last night and, as I promised myself, it is time to get back on track.

It is no coincidence that I dropped off the blogosphere for nearly a year and concurrently gained weight.  In fact, over each of the past 10 months I gained about 3 pounds.  That tallies up to right around 30 pounds.

I can give a laundry list of reasons and very good excuses why eating right and exercising weren't my focus.  Taking care of a dying mother, dealing with her loss and the aftermath of the entire experience, leaving my job, home and state for a new job, home and state, dealing with a bitter ex over custody.....then the holidays.....many major life losses and major life changes.  Not to mention I have just lived through a bout of clinical depression (I am happy to report I am on the other side of it today.)

There is a fine line between beating yourself up and holding yourself accountable.  There is also a fine line between going gentle and forgiving yourself and enabling more behaviors that don't serve you well.  I think I have found that balance now.

I went on to My Fitness Pal today and recorded every bite of food.  It's 4:00 p.m. right now and I didn't eat dinner yet and only have 3 calories left for the day.  I really thought I'd done quite well today.  It's amazing how quickly I can veer off course and "forget" how many calories (or points) food contains.  Well, I am not going to skip dinner.  

I have sauteed some chicken with Italian herbs then placed them in the crock pot to slow simmer all day.  My side is a veggie rice casserole I made with frozen veggies, light cream cheese and brown rice. I am going to eat it and track it.  

My saving grace for the day is if I get on the treadmill the day may still work out under caloric budget.  If not, I'm going to consider it a win anyway, because I blogged, I tracked and I am moving forward.

Yes, I gained 30 pounds as I worked through the pain of living this past year.  I didn't smoke.  I didn't drink.  I didn't do drugs.  I did lose a mom.  I did quit a job and move halfway across the country with just me and my son in order to create a better life for us.  And I am on track today, right now, this second.

I can't do a darned thing about yesterday.  I am glad to be on the other side of it and I am glad I gained 30 and not 90.  All was not lost.  And I gained a heck of a lot more last year than 30 pounds.  I gained a depth and grace I hadn't known before.  I gained some good perspective on life.  And I gained the knowledge that I am stronger than I knew.

The pain from last year is mostly behind me.  Let's see if I can leave the added pounds behind me, too.  And not literally.  :-)

Carly