Wounds That Heal

We all have been wounded in our lives. Some have internal wounds that no one can see.  Some of us have deep scars from childhood.  Some wounds are physical.  Some are emotional. Some fight battles every day and feel defeated and tired.  Life is like that sometimes.

Consider, though, that maybe we have used those wounds as excuses at times to be less than we were made to be. Maybe we hide behind the scars and say our lives are too hard, we have too many challenges or no one would understand.

I propose that no matter how you were wounded originally, failing to get back up and keep trying is creating even greater wounds today.  Take a moment and watch this video about some of America's finest young men - wounded warriors who were literally blown up fighting for this country in wars to protect our freedom. They have lost limbs - legs, arms, and in some cases both arms and legs. No one would blame them if they gave up on themselves, on life, on fitness, on being active. Instead, they are amazing testiments to the indominable human spirit that lies within.

I challenge you to watch the 8 minute video all the way to the end. Then I challenge you to examine your beliefs about your perceived limitations. They are artificial. They are excuses. They can be overcome. Anything is possible.  As one wounded warrior stated in the movie, "A lot of people tell me 'I want to do this' or 'I want to do that.'  There is no want. You just either do, or don't. There's no excuses."

For more information on Spartan Races -  click here.

For information on Team Xtreme and the Wounded Warrior Project - click here.

To start changing your life - click the OFF button on your computer and get out there and get busy living.

Carly

Quitters Never Win

Quitters never win.

Not that long ago I decided to do a half hour on the treadmill to get my physical activity started again. Ten minutes into it I was bored, my legs were a little tired, and there was no one around in the apartment building's fitness center to witness my lameness, so I hopped off the treadmill and went home.

All the pride I was feeling for getting off my butt and making it happen got sucked instead into a whirlpool of self flagellation and scorn. So not only did I not do anything really meaningful for my body, I deflated my own spirit out of sheer laziness and apathy.

In total contrast, last year when I worked out at the gym, I made it a habit of finishing all my reps. A friend and personal coach suggested that when I got to the end, and had given all I had to give, that I attempt to do two more reps. To push myself just that little extra and to reap the extra rewards. 

It was an amazing feeling. I would do 12 curls and my arms would be shaking, but I'd eek out two more. Or lunges. Or squats. Or...whatever.

I can't convey in adequate words the sense of pride and accomplishment that washed over me knowing I really and truly gave it my all. My body benefited as I got stronger faster, and my psyche benefited as I showed myself a true grit I didn't know I had.

My advice to you today (and to myself) is this: If you are going to do a thing, do it to the best of your ability.  Don't quit when you finish your 30 minutes on the treadmill - do 5 more. Don't quit at 12 reps - do two more. Don't quit at 20 burpees - do two more (if you don't know what a burpee is, Google it and thank me later.)

But if you can't go the extra mile, don't be a quitter and not even finish what you started. Don't reinforce by your actions that you can't do something. Instead, prove to yourself you can.

Carly

Small Steps Make Big Differences

It's amazing how making one deliberate, purposeful "next right choice" can lead to another "next right choice" which can lead to more "next right choices" which really start moving you toward your goals.

In just two weeks, my path has looked like this:

GOAL: Resolve to make health and fitness a priority again for 2013

• CHOICE:  Eat healthy food (there are many other daily decisions tossed in here like "bring food vs. buy lunch out" or "prepare ahead," choose one measured teaspoon of creamer vs. unknown quantities of half and half in my coffee when possible
• CHOICE:  Move more/burn more calories
• CHOICE: Park farther away to add additional steps to walk
• CHOICE: Take stairs instead of elevator. 

I realized at work yesterday that I have been taking the stairs  instead of the elevator. I caught my inner dialog as I walked past the elevator:

"Ha! Look at you, taking the stairs automatically!"

"Well, that's good, but what about on days I wear heels?"

"Bring comfortable walking shoes to keep at your desk so you have no excuses!"

See....right there, I worked out a plan for success and stopped the excuse-maker right in her tracks!

You can figure out how many calories you can burn taking the stairs using any number of online calculators.  I found this one this morning: Interactive Calorie Counter 

I climb two flights twice a day, so it is 55 calories a day. That doesn't sound too impressive, but it adds up to two pounds a year. In December when I look at my weight loss I will be so happy those extra two are gone, and so proud that I am really (and literally) taking every step I can toward health and fitness.

What are some other ways to burn extra calories?  Hmmmm......

Wednesday Weigh-In Week 1

Well. lookie there!  I'm down 5.8 pounds from Saturday.  For the purposes of The Biggest Loser weigh-in, however, I am down 8.8 pounds this first week.  YIPPEEEEEEEEEEE!  

While the scale isn't the sole determiner of my success, it is the ONLY gauge for the Biggest Loser competition and the way to mark tangible progress on this journey.  Of course, clothing size, fitness accomplishments and such are good markers as well.

Speaking of which, my size climbed up to a point where I had to buy "big" clothes a couple of weeks ago.  I only had two pairs of pants that still fit from my lowest weight, and they were both stretch material.  Ugh.

Well, I'm on track now.  No more new clothes for Carly until they are a size 18.  I'll let you know when that happens.

I'm guessing that will be around the end of March. We'll see.

Carly

Biggest Loser Kickoff with Antone Davis Season 12

Bonus Blog post today!

I just came back from the Biggest Loser kickoff event at work. The speaker was Antone Davis. Antone was the runner up of The Biggest Loser Season 12, but long before that he was first round draft pick for the NFL Philadelphia Eagles and a University of Tennessee Volunteer.

He is a really good speaker.  Very funny and his story is compelling.  After being a successful pro football player he gained a tremendous amount of weight for various reasons.  He knew he needed help turning it around, and through what he feels is Divine intervention, he received an invitation to submit information for consideration in The Biggest Loser.

I don't wish to retell his personal story and personal insights.  Who knows, maybe he'll write a book to help others one day!  But what I do want to share is a few tips and tricks about his fitness journey with Biggest Loser that I found particularly helpful.

1. They worked out for hours each day.  Like 3 hours of intensive regular workouts (weights etc.) and another 5 hours of treadmill, eliptical etc.  YIKES!
2. They burned 8,000 calories per day and ate around 1600 calories, all under doctor's strict supervision.  Women burned 6,000.  I didn't even know that was humanly possible!
3. They didn't eat past 8:00 p.m.
4. Dinner, under Bob's rules, was "Lean and Green."  Plain protein of some sort with a green vegetable.  That's it.
5. They did not have fancy professional chefs.  Their shoppers went to a regular Trader Joe's or some other such store and grabbed basic organic proteins, fruits and veggies.
6. Most of their carbs were the fruits and veggies.
7. Pretty much what you see on the TV Show is real.  It's all business, all the time.
8. WRITE IT DOWN.  The most successful people track every single bite, every single calorie that goes into their system, right down to the 10 calorie calcium supplement.  It's all basic math - calories burned, calories consumed.
9. He used a bodybugg device (arm strap thing?) to keep track of his calories burned each day.  I'm going to look into this and blog about it in the future.
10. Finally, he tossed out a little riddle that works perfectly with this morning's blog post:

"3 frogs are sitting on a log and two decide to jump off.  How many are left?"  The answer is 3.  The two DECIDED to jump off, but didn't bother actually doing it.  In other words, don't just THINK about or PLAN to do something.  DO IT!
 

His whole message was right on time!  Thanks, Antone!

Carly

Think. Then Do

My great uncle Bob Bremer was one of the first to train with Bruce Lee!

I am a thinker. I analyze and then over analyze most everything.  I can revisit the same topic 15 times over in my head while trying to get to the planning stage and then never actually get to the planning stage. (When I do move past the thinking stage I sometimes skip over the planning stage and eventually just do the thing without a good plan, but that's another blog day.)

It doesn't matter what the obstacle or goal is: Thinking alone does not solve the problem. In every situation, problems are solved and goals are met by getting up off my butt and taking some sort of action.

Let's take a peek into Carly's thought process, shall we?

I think about how to add exercise in to my schedule  I analyze if it's better first thing in the morning, or last thing at night. I consider if I should go for small walks to start, or if it might be better to join a gym. Maybe it would be best to kick start things with a personal trainer. That really worked for me in the past. Then again, I do have a small fitness center right in my community. The treadmill each day would make a big difference in my weight loss, and in managing my mood, and in my overall health. Yes, yes, that would be very good.

All those thoughts can circulate in my brain (round robin) for weeks without actually doing anything (and they do.)

You can't plow a field simply by turning it over in your mind.” 
― Gordon B. Hinckley

Right.

Think.  Then do.

I hereby commit to the entire Internet (because, you know, the entire Internet reads this blog) to get up off my derriere tomorrow and get on that treadmill.  No matter what.  Anyone else want to take their exercise regimen out of their brains and into action? Come join me!

We can't THINK away the pounds!

Carly

Delayed Gratification

I like everything right now.  Fast food, quick oats, instant downloads.  

I am a product of this technological world coupled with a little bit of unhealthy entitlement. I had several pretty rotten things happen to me in the past. I dug my way out, moved on, moved up, and for years now it seems I want what I want - when I want it. And when I want it is right now and I feel entitled to it. 

This is a pattern that has played out a time or two in my life and I figure 2013 is as good a time as any to really address it.  I just turned 47.  Maybe it's time to tackle this last leg of growing up? I think so. 

Typically people keep doing what they do until it no longer works for them. Instant Gratification is no longer working for me. What I think I want now keeps derailing what I truly want long term.  

Examples:

• This cheesecake vs. an apple (long term derailment:  weight loss)
• Surfing the Internet an extra hour vs. hitting the treadmill (long term derailment: fitness and enjoying my life)
• This must-have QVC special vs. self control (long term derailment: financial strength and security as well as money for traveling in retirement)

When I quit smoking, the hardest part was feeling a craving to go smoke immediately and just sitting with that feeling and not acting on it. Up until that point, when anything happened in my life (happiness sadness, boredom, procrastination, success, etc.) my instant reaction was to light up a cigarette.  It gave me a sense of instant control and could instantly calm, numb, or distract me.  But long term, smoking was killing me.

I learned during that process that sitting with feelings, however, won't kill me.  They are just feelings.  They do not require action and it's okay to feel them without doing anything. There is a window of time between feeling a feeling, or something happening, and how I choose to respond.  And it doesn't have to be instant.  I get to make that judgment. I can feel a feeling and respond later.  Or not respond at all!

That wonderful insight that I learned and applied to quitting smoking doesn't amount to anything, though, since I am no longer applying it.  Steven Covey writes “...to learn and not to do is really not to learn. To know and not to do is really not to know.” ― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change.  

So now what?  Well, you can't fix what you don't acknowledge and I acknowledge that my quest for instant gratification (what I want now while sabotaging what I really want later) is the single biggest barrier to achieving all I can achieve in this lifetime.  So I'm calling it out.  Then what?

Covey also writes about success: "The key is taking responsibility and initiative, deciding what your life is about and prioritizing your life around the most important things." I believe if I make clear, unambiguous goals, write them down, and look at them often, then as I am making those "next right choices" throughout the day they will more easily fall in line with those long term goals.  

By not setting clear goals, my choices only FEEL right in the moment because they are meeting an instant need or desire.  By setting clear goals and keeping them in the forefront, my choices will BE right because they are in line with what I truly want, regardless of how I am feeling in the moment.

I think I get it.  I am going to spend some time working this one into a plan because like he said, learning and knowing is useless without implementation.

Carly

Track It!

My life has been a twisted experiment in gaining and losing weight. I have done both of them fanatically over the span of nearly 4 decades, so I know a little about the process for people like me. (Whatever that means!)

Some of us are afflicted with a form of sugar amnesia or selective carb coma syndrome that affects the part of our brain that regulates food portions. When I am off on a bender (you know, when you fall off the wagon completely and eat anything you want without even a passing thought of consequences) I lose all memory of what I ate 30 minutes ago, 3 hours ago, or the quantities.  

 

Ripping off a chunk of bread at Macaroni Grill and eating it doesn't imprint into my memory at all, and 5 minutes later I'm ripping off another chunk to dunk in the olive oil, forgetting I already ate a huge portion. I may recall eating a bowl of cereal.  I may not recall that the bowl was a Kitchen Aid mixing bowl.  

Once I stop weighing, measuring and tracking I lose all concept of what I am actually eating. Once I stop tracking, it's very easy, even if I am "dieting," to miss things or forget what I actually consumed that day and then eat much more than I realize.

According to one study by Kaiser Permanente in 2008, keeping a food diary helped people lose twice a much as people following the same overall food plan but who didn't write it down.(1) I know beyond any doubt that I am the kind of person who requires accountability in order to stay focused, on track, and honest with myself.

Over the years I have tracked in several ways:  writing in a daily journal, posting on an online forum, using the Weight Watchers online tool, Spark People, and currently I am using My Fitness Pal. It is free, offers a little social networking to keep track with friends, and has a handy mobile app to keep track no matter where I am. (Feel free to find me - my name there is CarlyWeb.)

The best success I have ever had with weight loss and maintenance was when I continued to track all the food that went into my mouth. If you have never tried it, experiment and you'll find it may help motivate you to stay on track and refocus your food choices day by day.

And don't try to cheat and not write it ALL down.....you may be able to deceive the mind, but the body KNOWS!

Carly

1. (Kaiser Permanente (2008, July 8). Keeping A Food Diary Doubles Diet Weight Loss, Study Suggests. ScienceDaily. Retrieved January 13,)

Eating an Elephant

Have you ever heard this?

Question:  "How do you eat an elephant?"

Answer:  "One bite at a time."

I have heard it, and subscribe to it....in part.  If the "elephant" represents one goal (say losing weight) and we break it down to it's simplest parts, then working out today is one bite of the elephant, drinking water is another, eating a healthy lunch is yet another, and before you know it, we have lost weight.  It seems so simple when broken down into little next right choices like that, right?.

But that oversimplification can create great stress and feelings of inadequacy or inferiority in some people.  They may ask themselves - if it's that easy, why can't I do it?

The problem is that for many of us it's not as simple as just eating a healthy bite of food or just getting up and going for a walk.  There's a whole complex series of obstacles to wade through to get there and a laundry list of human components that must be navigated to get to that seemingly simple series of steps.

We may be dealing with feelings of inferiority (I'm not good enough), insecurity (what if I fail?), disorganization (Where are my workout clothes? Or where did I put that treadmill?), misinformation (What? You mean a nutella sandwich isn't healthy? I thought nuts were good for you!), difficulty with physically performing basic tasks (like tying our shoes), depression, stress, time management issues, lack of support and many other impediments to getting up and getting going.  For some of us, any one of these can be almost paralyzing, and for the truly lucky among us, we may experience several of them all at once.

So then, how DO we eat that freaking elephant?  Well, one bite at a time.  But I suggest cutting it up into big chunks first and taking a bite at a time from different chunks until they become manageable.  I could write a whole book about this (in fact, I think I will.)  You don't have to fix everything all at once, but you do have to do a little something from each area, purposefully.

For example, let's say the following three things are holding you back:  Housekeeping, Eating Poorly, and Depression.  Develop a small plan to start tackling them.

For housekeeping, grab a trash bag and walk around your house and throw away anything that is trash or not worth holding on to.  This will create a visual space that looks more organized.  Or clean your kitchen sink.  My mother always told me if you do nothing else, if you clean your sink the house looks so much better.  I think that's true. (Try the Fly Lady for great help in this area.)

To help learn new diet habits, add one healthy item to each meal.  If you are going to eat a Big Mac, go ahead.  But add a plain garden salad, too.  Or get the extra crispy fried chicken, but make yourself eat an apple with it.  Get your body acquainted with chewing, tasting and experiencing the healthy stuff you may have been avoiding.

For depression, consider if you are managing it okay.  Do you need medication? Is it working? How about St. John's Wort or SamE?  Have you tried reducing the amount of white carbs you eat (flour, sugar?)  Or go sit outside for 15 minutes in the sunlight.  Maybe a hot bath, or get out of the house and force yourself to get a pedicure.  (I'm going to write a whole chapter on the pediCURE.)

One small bite from each "chunk" actually helps ease the other areas.  A cleaner house will help depression.  Eating healthier will give you more energy to tackle cleaning the house and help depression.  Managing depression will make it easier to eat better and maintain a more organized house. And I understand how getting all of these under control makes it mentally easier to add another activity, like exercise, to the mix.

I have my own issues I deal with on a regular basis.  Housekeeping, organization, food addiction, burnout, stress, parenting, etc.  A decade ago I was a train wreck with most of this stuff.  I have learned a lot and swallow my share of the elephant every week.  And I do it one bite at a time.

Carly

Important Health Tips

Some people learn by the school of hard knocks, while other (more fortunate) people learn by following good, sage advice.  Today's blog posting will provide you neither.  :-D

What follows is a grouping of  diet, exercise and overall wellness tips I have learned over the past couple of years and feel compelled to share with you.  Trust me, you will thank me one day.


10 Health Tips by Carly

1. Do not eat gobs of sauerkraut for dinner and then finish off the leftovers for lunch the next day when working with lots of people when you have a required afternoon meeting to attend.  Whether it's you or your coworkers, someone's going to end up very uncomfortable at that meeting.
2. Do not wear your "skinny" workout clothes because you don't want to admit you have gained weight and need a bigger size. Forget "muffin tops." When you do a deep lunge and blow out a seam it looks and feels just like opening a whole can of Pillsbury biscuits.
3. Muscle shirts at the gym are for muscles, not batwings. (I kid, I kid.  No, really...T-shirts ARE better. If you doubt me, watch yourself carefully in the mirror while jumping rope.)
4. Do not overdo the water before working out. A half gallon is too much. The sloshing can throw you off balance and you don't want to leave dribbles when you do your squats.
5. While a healthy kiss of sunshine and resulting glow (slight tan) looks wonderful and makes you look healthier, please do not try to get this look from a bottle unless you don't mind walking around looking like an Oompa Loompa or like you just rolled around in a pile of Doritos. (Got pics to back me up on this one.)

6. No one, ever, in exercise equipment history, has become fit and reached their goal weight by reading their Kindle or a trashy novel while sitting on their derriere on a recumbent bike.  Ever.
7. A friend posted this one to my wall on Facebook last year: "If you still look cute at the end of your workout you didn't train hard enough."
8. There are absolutely no calories on someone else's plate.  Whatever your kids are eating (or spouse, or friend) is THEIRS.  Keep your eyes on your own plate. Watching what you eat isn't that terribly hard.  Watching what everyone else eats is hard!
9. Try to exercise as soon as you get up in the morning, before coffee and before your brain figures out what you're actually doing.
10. There is no magic diet, no magic exercise, no magic gym, no magic DVD and no magic pill.  Eat better, move more, and don't wait for some deep, inspirational motivation to strike.  You don't need to feel motivated or inspired.  You just need to get off your ass. 

I'm going to take those last two sentences and tape them to my monitor.  Sometimes the teacher learns as she writes.

Carly (P.S., if you like my blog, please share it liberally on facebook, twitter, other blogs, forums, etc.)

What Does Forward Look Like?

Some things are inevitable, like Time. Whether we like it or not, time is going to march on forward and take us with it.

Dreaming about, setting, working toward and reaching goals, however, can come to a screeching halt where there is no forward motion whatsoever. Maybe you are in a place where you don't even dare to envision a future goal. Maybe you're depressed and can't fathom crawling out of the hole. Maybe life has knocked you over and you are sitting down and regrouping. Or maybe you are afraid to even try. You have set goals before and then not met them and thought it was a failure. Here's a truth:

"Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward." ~Victor Kiam

You got up. You tried. You learned something you didn't know in the process. You learned what didn't work that time. So choose differently next time. That's all. That was yesterday. It's gone. You get to choose - right now, this minute, this day - how you want to proceed.

And if you get back up, and take a step or two, and fall flat on your face again, that's okay! You're still a few steps ahead of where you were yesterday.

People have asked how I got where I am today (strong woman, single working mother, career woman, branching out on my own hundreds of miles from where I grew up, and overcoming a whole lot of obstacles along the way.) And it's really quite simple. I got back up. That's all. No magic formula, really. Life knocked me down and I refused to let it keep me down. I took the time to lick my wounds, got back up and tried again.

So what does my personal "forward" look like?

You can see there have been what look like a lot of "backwards" in there. But that's just part of the process. That's the regrouping. That's the backing up to get a running start. No matter where you are today, square your shoulders back and let go of whatever happened yesterday. You get to choose to move forward anyway.

Believe me, I have had my own setbacks recently....but time is going to march forward whether we choose to take one step closer to who we want to be, or not. Why not move forward purposefully, one positive step at a time?

Biggest Loser

I am now officially a member of a team of geeks at work who joined the work-sponsored Biggest Loser competition. We have 7,000+ employees so there will be LOTS of teams. Weigh in was yesterday and their scale was pretty much on par with my home scale. Nothing shocking there.

Next week the event kicks off with a rally and a guest speaker. It will be Antone from the 12th season of The Biggest Loser.

The official "weigh out" will take place April 15th, two weeks after I get back from a cruise. Maybe that will help me stay on track during the cruise, or maybe it will motivate me to work out extra hard while on board.

There are some ups and downs to joining in on something like this. 

The ups:

• Accountability
• Talking about fitness regularly out loud with others
• Something outside of myself to help motivate me
• Sparks a competitive nerve
• Camaraderie and socializing with coworkers
• A sense of belonging.  Awwwww.

The downs:

• My head is my worst enemy. Last time I joined a weight loss competition my focus shifted from healthy next right choices and feeling good to the numbers on the scale and what size I was going to wear. I ended up gaining, not losing, because my head got flipped around somehow.

That's it. My head is the only down side. It's all a head game and since it's my head, I get to win. So I am choosing to join in but do nothing differently than I already planned to do. I will do those things I blogged about yesterday and make this my daily way of life, regardless of the numbers. If I am making the next right choices, cleanly, (without deceiving myself about my progress) then the numbers will follow.

I am looking forward to participating in this and maybe getting to meet other health-conscious coworkers along the way. I'm not going to obsess about it. (No, really.) I am just going to keep doing those next right choices and enjoy the journey. That's how I manage to enjoy life best.

Back to Basics

As I jump back into the mindset of health and fitness, I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was two years ago when I started this blog.  Even though I gained a lot of weight back, I did not lose my knowledge and some things are kicking in kind of on auto pilot.

I don't have much time to blog this morning, but I wanted to recap for myself what "Back to Basics" looks like for me, to help me regroup and refocus. (Typing this out helps me "see" my thoughts and keep them in the forefront!)

• Eat my spinach.  When all else fails, a cup of spinach at any meal is good for my body and it has the added effect of making me feel like I'm taking care of myself.  Dark leafies RULE!
• More snacks need to be raw veggies.  Celery, carrots, cukes, peppers, etc.
• Keep berries on hand.  Period.  Best fruits ever. (blueberry and strawberry at a minimum.)
• Get rid of the whites.  White bread, white flour, rice, etc.  There is absolutely no nutritional value and it converts to sugar in the body (and then fat.)  No whites, no way. (Except white potatoes.  Hey, I'm human.)
• Measure, measure, measure.  Until I can be trusted again, eyeballing is not allowed. :-)
• WATER.  Coffee all day does not count as my water.  I'll alternate.  One water to one coffee.
• Protein can be so simple.  Boiled eggs, chicken legs, salmon, string cheese.  All need to be on hand again.
• PLAN.  At least the night before, sketch out the next day's meals and snacks.
• BUT....failing at planning above is not an excuse to blow it.  My work has a great spinach, strawberry and chicken salad that I love.  See...no excuses.
• If in a bind at night and I MUST do fast food, I will choose Wendy's for a salad, baked potato, cup of chili (depending on how hungry I am, any combination of the above) or the oatmeal at McDonald's (plus the fruit/yogurt parfait if I'm extra hungry.)  While not ideal, these are fairly guilt-free choices.
• TRACK IT.  I have to track during the day, as I consume my food.  That way I keep an eye on what my balance is for the rest of the day to better gauge my snacks, etc.  When I wait until the end of the day it's so easy to go over without realizing it. 
• Get moving.  Stairs instead of elevators.  Park farther away.  Find opportunities for more walking.
• Treadmill at least 3 times per week.  (I am struggling with this one.  NEED TO GET OFF MY BUTT AND JUST DO IT!)

There.  That's my overall basics list.  Lots of other basics are just automatic I don't need to remember.  I only use olive or coconut oil.  I use stevia when a sweetener is needed.  Organic apples are a daily snack.   Freshly ground cinnamon is a flavorful calorie-free way to spice up oatmeal.  Nonfat milk.  Plain yogurt. And most importantly .... as little processed food as possible!

Make some of those automatic and you'll find yourself getting healthier with little effort.  I actually love doing those things.  But when I fall off the wagon, I forget so easily.  Or more accurately, I stop caring.  Well, I care now so let's see if I can keep the momentum going.  I think I can.  What do you think? 

Good Enough

All my life I have felt "less than."

I looked around and I saw a black and white world of people. There were the successful people and those who were failing. I suppose I always felt like I was in one category or the other most of the time.  (Can you guess which side I thought I landed in most of the time?)

When I was successful, I was on top of the world. I was full of grandiosity and big dreams and goals. I knew I could do anything I set my mind to do. I had my chit together.

When I was down, it wasn't merely a stumbling block. Oh hell no.  I was doomed.  I was a failure.  I couldn't do anything right. I was never going to pick myself up. I might as well quit my job and go live in a cardboard box and wait for the inevitable doom that lay ahead.

Middle ground, or that gray area in which most people live, didn't exist for me.  And sadly, I didn't really think it existed for others, either.

When I looked outward at others I deemed most people as having their act together all of the time.  They kept appointments and schedules, they washed their dishes and did their vacuuming like Donna Reed with pearls and heels or were like Mrs. Cleaver every day and never raised their voices to their kids.  They were on their game.  They were up.  They had it together. They never fell behind at work and never forgot important dates or missed deadlines.

When I saw a woman walk into a business environment, I automatically assumed she was smarter than me, had it together more than I did, had a great family, a great relationship, and a great life. She probably was born with great genetics, came from a well off family, went to college, met Mr. Right and had a fairy tale life.  Beeotch.  How come I didn't get to have that kind of charmed life?  Why was I such a failure?

Somehow I didn't realize that this messy process of becoming an adult, becoming the person I was meant to be...the ups, the downs, the highs and lows, the great triumphs and horrible disasters....that all of it was okay.  That doing my best sometimes meant doing less than I was capable of last month.  Or that what seemed like huge setbacks might, in fact, be backing up to get a running head start into a great big forward step!

I realize now that there is an ideal - the goal, the dream, the perfectionist target, and then there is "good enough."  Not meeting the ideal isn't a failure...it's how most people roll most of the time.

It's how we respond to life that matters.  It's picking up and moving forward that matters.  It's digging deep and finding a reason to keep trying to be better that matters.  Trying to be a better person.  Trying to do more good in the world.  Trying to be a better parent.  Trying to make the next right choice and knowing that even when you fall short of the target....maybe that's okay.

Maybe "good enough for now" isn't a failure at all and it's just how to accept being human.  Maybe that acceptance is a form of self love, and extending some grace and mercy to ourselves.  For me, success is trying to make the best next right choice in this moment...in the now and letting go of yesterday's mistakes.  Success isn't just reaching the goal and arriving at the destination.  It's experiencing the journey, learning, sharing and accepting where I am today.  I can't be happy tomorrow, I can only be happy today and I am who I am right now.  I have to be okay with that.  I am good enough.

And so are you.

30 Pounds of Pain

I returned home from a visit to Maine last night and, as I promised myself, it is time to get back on track.

It is no coincidence that I dropped off the blogosphere for nearly a year and concurrently gained weight.  In fact, over each of the past 10 months I gained about 3 pounds.  That tallies up to right around 30 pounds.

I can give a laundry list of reasons and very good excuses why eating right and exercising weren't my focus.  Taking care of a dying mother, dealing with her loss and the aftermath of the entire experience, leaving my job, home and state for a new job, home and state, dealing with a bitter ex over custody.....then the holidays.....many major life losses and major life changes.  Not to mention I have just lived through a bout of clinical depression (I am happy to report I am on the other side of it today.)

There is a fine line between beating yourself up and holding yourself accountable.  There is also a fine line between going gentle and forgiving yourself and enabling more behaviors that don't serve you well.  I think I have found that balance now.

I went on to My Fitness Pal today and recorded every bite of food.  It's 4:00 p.m. right now and I didn't eat dinner yet and only have 3 calories left for the day.  I really thought I'd done quite well today.  It's amazing how quickly I can veer off course and "forget" how many calories (or points) food contains.  Well, I am not going to skip dinner.  

I have sauteed some chicken with Italian herbs then placed them in the crock pot to slow simmer all day.  My side is a veggie rice casserole I made with frozen veggies, light cream cheese and brown rice. I am going to eat it and track it.  

My saving grace for the day is if I get on the treadmill the day may still work out under caloric budget.  If not, I'm going to consider it a win anyway, because I blogged, I tracked and I am moving forward.

Yes, I gained 30 pounds as I worked through the pain of living this past year.  I didn't smoke.  I didn't drink.  I didn't do drugs.  I did lose a mom.  I did quit a job and move halfway across the country with just me and my son in order to create a better life for us.  And I am on track today, right now, this second.

I can't do a darned thing about yesterday.  I am glad to be on the other side of it and I am glad I gained 30 and not 90.  All was not lost.  And I gained a heck of a lot more last year than 30 pounds.  I gained a depth and grace I hadn't known before.  I gained some good perspective on life.  And I gained the knowledge that I am stronger than I knew.

The pain from last year is mostly behind me.  Let's see if I can leave the added pounds behind me, too.  And not literally.  :-)

Carly

2012 In Review

What a year.

In January and February I flatlined with my diet and exercise.  I didn't lose, I didn't gain, I didn't do much of anything at all.  Maybe I coasted a bit.  I did work out with a trainer but didn't really see any gains in weight loss (there were some definite gains in muscle strength.)

In March, we learned my mom was sick.  Stage 4 advanced untreatable inoperable unstoppable lung cancer.  In April I went to Maine and spent the next 7 weeks at my mom's side doing anything I could to love her, help her, and return even 1% of the love she showed me my whole life.

In late May, we lost her.

In June, I moved to Tennessee for a new job.

In July, August, September and October, I speeded through life.  Unpacking, downsizing, jumping into the new and challenging job, doing a ton of physically active things like white water rafting, zip lining, caving, and running a couple of 5K races.  Busy busy busy trying to outrun my mind and heart and when not successful, I ate down my feelings.

In November, my dad came to visit for the Thanksgiving holiday.  That was hard.  The first major holiday without mom.  Somehow the reality of it all knocked me over.  I paused long enough for all the feelings to catch up with me....and it consumed me.

From March to now I have gained considerable weight.  I'm not going to say how much.  There's no need to humiliate myself.  I just want to acknowledge it and refocus on tomorrow and forgive myself for yesterday.  I did what I needed to do and it's time to move forward.

In looking at what worked in 2011 when I was so successful, it was focusing on "The Next Right Choice."  Not worrying about where I had to be in 3 months or 6 months or what day I'd reach a specific weight goal.  Instead, I focused on making good choices now and near-term and let the good consequences come.  And they did.  I tried to plan my food out in advance, but if I found myself in a place without great food options, I'd make the best choice at the moment and get back on track the very next meal.

I was not "all or nothing."  I was all about doing what I could now and if I made a misstep,  acknowledging it and correcting as I moved forward.  Black and white thinking kills someone like me.

Well, now I'm looking forward to 2013.  I want to continue to grow emotionally and spiritually.  I want to continue to shrink physically.  And I want to do it out loud again.  Hiding does not serve me well.  Living out loud suits me just fine, and I feed off the attention (hard to believe, right?)  :-)

So here's to a positive 2013.  Come back along for the ride.  Better yet, toss on some running shoes and let's hit the treadmill together.  Regardless, no more going backwards or standing still.  We're on the move again.

Carly

Quitting and Change

I knew when I quit smoking in 2009 that my life was going to change. In fact, I dreaded it. I didn't know 34 months ago that quitting smoking would change my life in SO many ways.

I was a very heavy smoker for 32 years. I self identified as "THEE" smoker everywhere I went. I started at age 11, and so I truly had no other learned coping mechanisms. Eating and smoking were my defenses against all that life threw at me. I did not know how to exist without smoking.

I assumed I would quit smoking, create a huge void in my life, mourn and cry and be miserable for a long time until I was still miserable but no longer mourning and crying. I assumed it would be hard, and stay hard, but if I was just strong enough somehow, I could fight that battle day in and day out for the rest of my life so I could have a longer (and hopefully less miserable) life.

Well, you know what they say about assume, right (makes an "ass" of "u" and "me" ha!)

Here's what actually happened.

I was miserable (really really miserable) for the first 3 months. After that I was intermittently miserable and rather hopeful. After the 140 day mark I started getting rather surprised by how often I would go without thinking about smoking. Once I passed the year mark all "cravings" were reduced to simply "thoughts" that were easily pushed aside. By the time I hit the 2 year mark, I no longer associated anything with smoking. The only time I would think about it was when I saw smokers and then it was more a "poor fella...I wish he could quit" than anything else.

What else happened?

After I quit, I gained 40+ pounds in one year (and I was already obese). BUT..I also gained the ability to breathe without wheezing and I gained energy I didn't realize I could have.

So I started moving and becoming more active and after the first year of quitting decided to tackle the morbid obesity. I started this fitness/weight loss blog to document the process. 

Zip Lining along the Ocoee River, TN

After quitting, I KNEW I could do whatever I set my mind to do, and I proceeded to lose 90 pounds. I still have about 60 to go, but who cares? It's coming.

I also ditched the self imposed limitations in my brain. I didn't like the Baltimore DC crowded metro area but felt stuck there. I had no family there and was barely existing some days. But after quitting and losing weight I realized the only thing stopping me from really living was me.

So I found a new job near the Smokey Mountains, put my house on the market, grabbed my son, and moved (I'm a single mom...have been for 8 years). Since moving, this 46 year old woman has:

- gone zip lining

- gone swimming in the Tennessee River

- gone hiking, biking, rock climbing, caving

- gone whitewater rafting

In fact, I'm heading out today with my 12 year old to the mountains were we will rent a little boat, swim, fish, and on Labor Day we're hitting class III and IV whitewater rapids (at the site of the 1996 olympics).

Next month I'm doing a 35 mile Appalachian Mountain bike trip (mostly downhill, but STILL!)

And in 3 weeks I'm doing a Warrior Dash: http://www.warriordash.com/

I was petrified 34 months ago that life was going to change in unknown ways once I put down the cigarettes. Now, I thank God that it has. You couldn't pay me to go back. No freaking way!!!  That was dying...this lis LIVING!  

In It To Win It, Dawg

I am pumping up and refocusing my energy on the mission.  It's really quite simple.

What does winning look like to me?

1. I take the time to think out what I want
2. I consider the path to get there.
3. I start on the path.  
4. I make choices throughout the day in line with the goals.
5. I keep myself from straying off the path.
6. I reach the goal.

Every single step is, in itself, a success, as it moves me forward.  Each step requires some action.

Without action, there is no hope of success. Thinking about it is pretty meaningless without getting up and doing it, right? Yet there are studies that show that people who think about their goals sometimes get the emotional rewards as if they had actually achieved the goasl.  I don't want that.  I want the achieve the actual goals! 

Let's put it into context:

1.  I have thought out what I want.  I want to be healthy.  I want to reignite the weight loss.  I want to physically complete the Warrior Dash.

2.  The path to get there requires eating less and moving more.  Expending more calories than I take in.  Eating healthy wholesome choices.  Getting enough sleep.  BEING CONSISTENT.  Being accountable.  BLOGGING.

3.  I started blogging again.  I went to the grocery store and got only healthy choices - fruits, veggies, coconut water (heard this is a good post-workout recovery beverage), chicken, salmon, milk.  Healthy, yummy, easy. I got on the scale, recorded my weight and set a goal.  I have stepped on the path,

4. All day I chose water instead of more coffee (I did have some, but not as much as usual).  I opted for no half and half at work.  At lunch, I walked a half mile for the heck of it.  I took the stairs instead of the elevator.  When offered brownies, I chose my goal over a temporary appeasement.  In other words, because I mapped out my goals and started down the path, I remembered to make choices in line with those goals!

5. I am too early in this rebound to speak to not straying off the path.  I will say, that accountability will be key.  My little sugar addict brain will want to sneak off in silence and darkness at some point to derail my plans.  At that point, I will have to not stray, and admit the desires so that they lose power.

6.  Winning never grows old, right?  Right.  

And I'm IN IT TO WIN IT!  

To Do List

As I prepare for my plunge back into seriousness tomorrow, I am putting together the "to do" list.  These are things that I want to do and will do as a result of my healthy choices.

I believe in affirmations.  I believe in writing out what you want, thinking it, believing it, and being aware each day of your ability to achieve it.

If I take time to write out what I want, I am going to have a chance of reaching it.  If I don't take the time to think it through, I will flop haplessly along. I have strayed from my vision and goals lately, and it shows in my results.

To wit: (who says "to wit?" ha...nerds and obnoxious dorks?)

• I will complete a 5K Warrior Dash September 22nd.
• I will go caving in an authentic, private cave that requires some physical effort (and deep breathing to overcome the claustrophobia!)
• I will go horseback riding in the mountains (I thought I was under the weight limit, but when checking it out, I am not.  I will do that next year.  No matter what.)
• I will touch my freaking toes.
• I will conquer the P90X Yoga X (until I lose more weight I just cannot physically get into some of those positions; there's too much "me" in the way.)
• I will reach my goal weight.
• I will have the skin removal surgery shortly thereafter.
• And I will remain physically active during this whole process....and into the future because this is who I am and how I roll.

There.  Black and white.  Laying the destination will help me focus with each choice on the best route to get there with the least amount of detours.

That concludes the easy part of the "To Do" list.  Now.....off to start doing it.

Just Do It Already

Somewhere along the line I stopped losing weight "my" way.  I tried it this way, and that way, and then after messing around a while, tried it someone else's way.  Then I ultimately ended up doing it no one's way.

Hence, I am sitting right now exactly where I was in JANUARY of this year.  I am mad at myself.  Frustrated.  Very, very frustrated.  Disappointed.  I could be at goal (or darn close) right now if I stayed the course from the beginning.

But I didn't.  Instead, I'm yo-yo-ing.  Up and down 5-10 pounds constantly. Ugh.

To keep things in balance, I have done an awful lot in my life during this time.  My entire life is upside down and different, from the house I live in, to the state I live in, the job I have, and the fact I am still struggling with grief after losing my mom.  I no longer have a gym.  I no longer have a personal trainer. I sold all my own equipment and no longer have my in-home gym.  Those aren't excuses.  They are my reality.

Also, when I was losing successfully, I was not putting pressure on myself.  Some people thrive under pressure.  I am not one of them in personal matters.  Slow and steady wins my race.  One next right choice, followed by another.  Deliberately thinking out the choices, honoring them, until they become second nature.  Once I start doing everything all at once differently, I lose the plot.  Well EVERYTHING in my life is different now.  And I have lost the plot.  

So I'm going to regroup and reestablish what works....for me.   Getting it out of my brain and in writing is a huge and very important step:

1. I am going to get my food weighed, measured and unsloppified.  (You like that word?)
2. I am going to work out first thing in the morning, no matter what.  When I was going to Gold's Gym to meet the personal trainer it was at 5 am.  That meant up at 4:15 - 4:30 and leaving the house at 4:45 a.m.  I did it and after a few days fell into a nice groove with it.  I was in bed at a decent time and felt well rested all the time.  This is CRITICAL to me...keeping a schedule.
3. Accountability.  I need some.  Right now I don't check in with any regularity and have no accountability.  So guess what?  You guys are now my new accountability.  Every day before I go to bed, at a very minimum, I am going to let you know how the day went.  

A group of folks at work are having a weight loss contest. I know, I know, I know.  Competitions have never worked for me.  I joined anyway and it starts next week.  It's a way to bond with my new coworkers, having fun with the smack talk and, most importantly, getting in the groove of talking about health and fitness with people.  I haven't really had that since moving here and I think it's important.

I know I can do this.  I have done it.  I just need to....just do it already!

:-)