Behind The Scenes

"People seldom see the halting and painful steps by which the most insignificant success is achieved."

     ~Anne Sullivan


Not that long ago, a reader sent me an email letting me know I was inspiring him in a couple of areas.  (Thank you for that feedback - I really do love hearing that!)  After a couple of exchanges, the person seemed shocked to learn that I work full time and have a 45 minute commute each way.  His comment was something like "whoa - you do all this - write the blog, work out, take care of a son, run the household, pay the bills, take care of the house, etc. AND you work a full time job?  Seriously?  I had NO idea!"  He went on to say he was even more impressed.

The whole exchange really got me thinking.

What DO people know about me?  What DO they see?  What about the folks who knew me in high school but skipped over the whole adult years until recently?  What about those who saw me walk through some pretty torturous periods in my life - the "all time low" times?  What do THEY see when they look at me, my progress, my journey?

I know for certain there are some people who look my way and think "well, easy for HER.  She's got it together and has the kind of personality that is organized enough to do all of that."  What they don't see is what it took to get this far, and the sometimes halting, debilitating, painful steps I still sometimes need to take to get to the next leg of the journey.  And believe me, there are many of THOSE steps!

I really want to come back around to this topic over the next couple of weeks.  But for right now, I'm in the middle of climbing out of one of those painful, halting, debilitating places and have to focus on just the basics:  Food, shelter, job.  What are the minimum requirements moving forward immediately to get me to higher ground?

1. What I eat must be "clean" and nutritious.  I have been eating so much junk and you really ARE what you eat.  I have felt horrid, depressed and unable to make good "next right" choices.  So I have to commit to eating choices that I know will offer nutrients, vitamins, energy and a positive impact on me.  So far today, so good. 
2. I have to get moving.  Even if I just commit to 10 minutes on the treadmill, I will feel better instantly.  I know this.  Yet I have resisted since I got back from all my travels.  I can't ignore this anymore.  Just 10 minutes between now and bedtime tonight.  No matter what.
3. If 1 and 2 above are in place, I will have much more clarity to focus on the rest of the "musts."  I have many "musts" that have to be taken care of:  Of course, my job must stay a priority.  I am also enrolled in college and the classes aren't going to care the this whole hurricane business derailed me or debilitated me.  They are going to care that my homework is done and I am participating.  So this is a MUST, no matter what.  And the whole mothering, cooking, carpooling, pta stuff looms overhead.  I'll just need to look each night at what MUST be done the next day, keep it simple, make a list, do it, and keep moving.

I think I'm moving in the right direct again after a slight derailing.  At least my MIND is moving in the right direction today.  I really do believe that if I do #1 and #2 above well, the rest of me will follow quite aptly again.  It's all related.  And it starts with recommitting to the belief that I'm worth the effort.


I want people reading this to see, and to know, that not all the steps are easy.  Not all the choices are easy.  walking the walk is infinitely harder than talking the talk.  Life knocks me over.  Dealing with the hurricane on the heels of a whirlwind of travel and being out of my routines knocked me on my butt.

I read a quote today (don't know who to attribute it to) that speaks to this whole blog today:

"Circumstances don't make you, they reveal you. How you respond to the life God offers you is what makes you."

 It all comes down to choices.  I'd like to choose wisely. If I eat healthy and exercise, I seem to make MUCH wiser choices.

The Aftermath (Hurricane Irene)

Warning:  This might end up being a really long blog entry as I feel like I'm working through many mixed feelings.

Like the entire east coast of the US, I just experienced hurricane Irene - the warnings leading up to the storm, the advance preparation, the storm itself and the 'aftermath.'    I can't go in to work today as our phones are out and we're teleworking.  And I'm finding myself having a strong delayed reaction to the past several days.

To help organize my thoughts, I'm going to break them into 3 sections:

• The Storm
• The Background
• The Aftermath

The Storm

Hurricane Irene rolling in Friday night at mi casa

I spent a lot of time before the storm hit researching about it.  I googled and found the Maryland emergency management site.  I watched the Weather Channel 24/7.  All reports showed that the storm of our lifetime was coming.  Maryland Emergency Management stated that everyone east of Frederick, MD should put plywood on their windows, and do all the other preparations.

I am a single mom with my nearest relatives several states away.  That makes me solely responsible for the welfare of me and my son, as well as my home.

Yes, I taped the windows.

I own a 1947 house with a roof that already leaks.  Ironically I had an appointment Saturday as Irene was rolling in to get a price on a new roof.  I have several large trees around the house.  I bought 14 gallons of water.  I had dry ice and block ice in the cooler anticipating the widespread power outages. I bought plenty of non perishable foods as well as fruits/veggies that are 'ready to eat.'  I made sure the propane tanks were turned off.  I bought rope and tied down the grill and patio furniture.  I taped all the windows.  I made sure we both had showers Saturday afternoon and then filled the tub with water in case it would be needed for flushing.  I made sure all the laundry was caught up.  I went to several stores in order to get D batteries (as they were sold out almost everywhere.)  I got an extra charge pack for charging a cell phone if the electricity went out.  I made sure all our electronics were charged.  And that candles and a lighter were nearby and easily accessible.  I had sleeping bags and a "go bag" ready in case a tree fell through the roof and we had to go quickly.

I don't remember everything  I did, but I spent two solid days getting ready.  I went to bed Saturday night, exhausted, knowing two things:  (1) The brunt of the storm was about to hit overnight and (2) I had done everything humanly possible - the outcome was out of my hands.

Two houses down from me.  That's gonna leave a mark.

The storm came and went.  My roof did not leak.  A big branch the size of a tree fell in my yard (no harm done at all).  There were big trees nearby that did fall (one on a poor guy's van).  Of course, there's widespread power outages in the area but our house was fine. Yesterday (Sunday) I spent the day cleaning up the yard and undoing a lot of the earlier prep (taking down the tape, etc.)

Whew.

The Background

Many of you don't know me, or didn't know me over the past few years. You didn't see where I started, what it took to get me to this point in my life.  I left a volatile, emotionally and verbally abusive marriage as a crushed human being in early 2005. I got a protective order in early 2006 as he continued to escalate despite the separation, and the divorce became final in May 2006.  During that time, the thought of simply going grocery shopping, coming home, putting the groceries away....that whole process....was at times overwhelming.  There were times when I'd have to break a task like cleaning the kitchen down into tiny baby steps in order to not feel overwhelmed and paralyzed.  Major clinical depression, a little post-traumatic stress and a whole lot of responsibility sometimes knocked me to my knees for days even weeks at a time.  Little things like just doing dishes or taking down the Christmas tree could derail me emotionally (really.)

Over the years, I have used the "baby steps" approach to tackling almost everything in my life - my career, my finances, my parenting, my housekeeping, my smoking, and my weight.  One little topic at a time I have been becoming stronger, more competent, more able to roll with life's punches and keep moving forward.

So when the whole hurricane warning thing came up, I was thankfully in a position to be able to deal with it alone without it overwhelming me or knocking me over,  I had the financial resources to buy what I needed.  I had the personal time available to take a day off and work on the preparations.  My house was already pretty clean/organized, so all my focus was on safety things.  My body and mind switched into "high alert" and I just did all that needed to be done (in my opinion....others felt I may have gone overboard on my preparations, but I would rather be prepared and not need it than the other way around) like "Rabbit" from Winnie the Pooh "Must keep the schedule, must keep working."

So Friday and Saturday was non-stop preparation. Sunday was assessing the aftermath, cleaning up the yard, and realizing we'd dodged quite a bullet here, followed by watching what was happening as the storm approached my friends and family from New Jersey to Maine.  (One cousin in Mass. had a tree fall on her house and electric wires on her car, my elderly parents were and still are without power in Maine and I was worried all night that they could get flooded, etc.)

The Aftermath

Today, I have been hit with overwhelming emotions from it all.  Maybe part of it is that the adrenaline that kept me going stopped being necessary and has drained away.  Maybe the intensity of watching The Weather Channel and following (with great stress) what was happening to my friends and relatives as the storm went up the coast has dissipated.   Maybe it's my overwhelming sense of isolation and "aloneness" in times like these that's hitting me.  Or just pure relief?  Or some combination of all of the above (most likely.)

Regardless, I have been out of control eating today. One minute I'm sad or angry about nothing in particular.  The unseen enemy?  Or frustrated to no reason - or alternately....feeling empty, too.  It's just a strange combination of ups and downs and it's ticking me off.

I have gotten into ridiculous amounts of carbs which no doubt are making me feel much worse.  I also have thought about going out and buying cigarettes!  Of course, I'm NOT going to do that (I'm on day 666 of my quit!).  But the thoughts did cross my mind.  It gets to me that when my emotions soar like this it's ME I feel like subconsiously destroying.  What's up with that?

Anyway, I'm fine.  I normally don't share days like today.  The thought of strangers reading this doesn't bother me at all.  I feel like I'm just showing the reality of my inner life.  The thought of my own mom reading this, or friends/relatives/coworkers makes me feel vulnerable and like putting put a big notice:  Please do NOT call me and ask if I'm okay or I'll scream!  

I don't ordinarily share ANYTHING when I'm in the midst of it.  I'm WAY more comfortable fixing it, getting over it, dealing with it, etc. and THEN talking about it in the past tense,  It's just how I roll.

Conclusion

I'm human.  Life isn't always easy.  No matter how positive and rah rah I get, sometimes life can just be hard and there are times that require a lot from us, and though we rise to the challenges, sometimes, we need a soft landing afterwards.  I don't really have that soft landing (I'm still here, still responsible, still have to figure out how to get the tree outta my back yard, still have to be the breadwinner etc.) and I want a soft landing dammit.  So I'm landing in soft carbs.

I need to have a better plan.  Like landing on a soft treadmill.  Which I haven't been on in 2 months.    Hmmmm.....next blog topic?  

Breezy Shorts

First, I want to say I am SO happy to be back on a schedule and routine.  I am making smoothies every day, eating good lunches, solid dinners, and am in control of the choices.  It feels good to be getting back into the swing of things after so much travel.

Before I left I had a pile of clothes in my spare room I needed to go through.  Things I wasn't sure if I should take on my trips, or that I wasn't even sure would still look good as I suspected they might be too big.

So I tried on a thing or two.

Holy Mackerel!  That's definitely a boost to the esteem and adds a bit 'o "recharge" to the whole process.  No, I'm not in it just for weight loss.  My main goal is longevity - getting healthy and staying that way.  Of course, one measure of that is attaining a healthy weight.  Even if the scale hasn't moved all that much this summer, seeing this sure was a shot in the arm!

I still have some more clothes left to clear out/donate, and I do look forward to it.  There's something uniquely strengthening in purging out the old to leave room for the new (physically and metaphorically.)

What a nice way to start the week!

Back To School

It's that time again....Back To School at the Carly house.  And I'm not just talking about my son!

This year my son is going to a new school - he's leaving elementary school behind and heading to middle school.  He auditioned for, and got accepted into, a special magnet school - a Performing and Visual Arts (PVA) school - and it starts tomorrow.  I'm so darned proud of him!

Getting him there is going to be a challenge.  It's public school, but because it's outside of our regular area the bus makes only centralized stops.  What that means for me is getting up and out by 6:45 a.m. to get him there on time.  (I'm used to leaving the house around 8:00 for elementary school.)

The other thing is that I am also going back to school.  I have been enrolled at University of Maryland (UMUC) for the past couple of years but have only taken the occasional class here and there.  I have decided it's time to stop playing around and finally get my bachelors degree.  So Biology 103 starts tomorrow.  The syllabus says to plan to devote about 20 hours per week to this class.  Ouch.  Who has 20 hours to spare?  Well, I don't, but I'm going to have to find 'em somewhere.

What this means is I need a solid game plan,  I do not want a reason to derail my progress.  Remember, I want to make this all fail proof!  So I need to think in terms of "How can I ensure success?" rather than "How can I survive this?"  Big difference in outlook and outcome, methinks.

So in planning, there's a lot to consider.  I'm a single, working mom.  I have to factor in a 45 minute commute each way, about an hour per day of exercise, about 2.5 hours per day of homework/reading, some cooking time, some eating time, some shopping/errands/housework time, and of course, some quality time with my son.  Hmm.

Here's the initial plan:  Make lists and post them prominently where both my son and I can see them.  Make sure we have the "as soon as you get home" list of things to accomplish at the end of the work/school day, (prepping food, cooking dinner, doing homework, etc) the "before you go to bed" list of things that must be done (get clothes ready, pack the next day's lunch, son take shower, Carly blog etc.) and the "as soon as you get up" lists (get in some exercise, mom take shower, etc., bring lunch,bring son to school) etc.

It's going to be hairy, and I'm totally going to need to rely on my son to step up and take some responsibility for himself.  I've kind of spoiled him (sort of) in that I haven't required him to do that much around the house.  Well, we're a team and my side of the team is getting a heck of a lot busier and so he'll need to pitch in more. Frankly, I think this is a good thing.

A really encouraging thing is that he is looking forward to, and planning for, a healthier lifestyle this upcoming school year.  He wants to get more fit.  He wants to exercise more and eat better.  He's TOTALLY into the smoothies   We made one yesterday with radishes, cucumbers, spinach, kale, parsley, coconut oil, bananas and strawberries and he loved it!

I think I started making these changes (quitting smoking, eating healthier, exercising) just in the nick of time.  I think much of this is going to be incorporated into what my son just does naturally as he gets older (he's 11 right now.)  I am so thankful for the friends and family who helped me get to this point.  You have no idea what a train wreck I was just a few years ago.  And here I am now with weight goals, health goals, work goals, school goals and a son who's chomping at the bit to try out this new, advanced curriculum at his new school while also getting more fit.  Incredible.

I think I can work it all out.  It might take a little 'growing pains' to figure it all out and work out schedules, etc., but anything's possible if you don't give up!  Whew!  Wish me luck!

xoxox
Carly

Rudeness in the Air

I did a good bit of traveling this summer. On one of the flights, I was mortified at the rudeness of a Southwest Airlines flight attendant toward a gentleman trying to board the flight.

He was just walking slowly down the aisle, as was everyone else in the line, kind of looking to the left and looking to the right to find a seat that he might like. (Southwest doesn't allow to you pick seats in advance - it's more a first come, first served kind of system.)

The man was clearly very overweight.

As he was slowly passing by the exit rows on his way toward the back of the plane, the flight attended abruptly and loudly said, "Do you need an extension for your seatbelt sir?"

He responded quietly "Yes, probably."

To which she (again, loudly) said, "Then you may NOT sit in an exit row."

He responded rather upset: "Who suggested that I sit there? Certainly not me."

This whole exchange was loud and in front of all the folks on the plane. I was so upset! What an ignorant woman, And I felt the guy's pain, truly. I mean, he already knows he's large and just the fact of needing a seat belt extension is enough to make one feel badly, but must we loudly humiliate overweight people like that?

I felt really powerless, too. I wanted to come to his side and tell the woman what an ignoramus she was, but sadly that would have just brought more attention to the situation when the man probably just wanted to invisibly slide into obscurity.

Ugh.

I truly don't think people realize just how OPENLY rude a huge part of society is toward overweight people and how totally ACCEPTED it is as being "okay." The comments I have received over my lifetime by otherwise "nice" people would shock you. The very real discrimination would surprise you. And the open, in your face jokes about fat people are a daily thing. But if you're not tuned in to that station you don't even notice the sound waves. And the majority of people aren't tuned in.

Heck, even family members who truly love me have spent a lifetime making fat jokes, like it's cute, warm, funny and a way to somehow make everyone feel more comfortable with my size. Hard to explain.

I was so glad to fit in the seat easily myself, not need an extension, and actually had to pull the seat belt to tighten it like a normal person. But I didn't take it for granted, I celebrated it, I kept watching the sides of the seat to see if I would "spill over" into the other person's seat (I didn't) and was painfully aware of what flying has generally meant for all these years. Even as I lose the weight, I still think like a morbidly obese person. I wonder if that will stop when I reach my goal?

As to the woman at Southwest Airlines, she needs to get out of the customer relations business until she takes some serious sensitivity training and gets an education about discretion. And there are people like her everywhere you turn. Please, don't be one of them. :-)

Never Sausage A Selection!

Yesterday I got the neatest package delivered to me - a little cooler with an ice pack and an assortment of Al Fresco chicken sausages!

It seems the "Al Fresco" people saw my blog in April where I reviewed their Sweet Apple Sausages (here's the  LINK (lol like the pun?)

Anyway, a few weeks ago they contacted me to see if I'd be interested in trying some of their other products. How cool is that?  So now I have some buffalo sausages and sweet italian style sausages to try.  I'm actually looking forward to the italian style.  Maybe I'll fry them up and add them to spaghetti sauce this weekend.

I feel like a celebrity, my first payment made in SAUSAGE!  I'll have to frame one! Or not.  But I will let you know how they taste.  Next time I think I should review BMW's.  teehee

-------------------------------------------------------

In other news, I have eaten super "cleanly" since returning from vacation.  And it's amazing.  I can REALLY tell the difference in how I feel, how I speak, how I act.  I'm happier and more energetic.  I feel healthier that quickly...just a couple of days into better eating and it makes all the difference.

Now if I could just hoist myself up onto the treadmill and get MOVING again!  That's my goal for this week:  Get back into a routine of MOTION.  Even if I start with just 10 minutes with free weights and 10 minutes on the treadmill...I must do it!

I wonder why it's so hard to get busy doing something that I love doing for myself?  Seriously.

All Juiced Up!

I posted a few months ago that I'd rather eat my calories than smoosh 'em all up into a smoothie or juice and drink them.  I have since totally changed my mind.

First, there is an AMAZING health-related website:  MERCOLA.COM that discusses food, nutrition, exercise, etc.  Dr. Mercola researches this constantly and stays abreast of changing news, scientific data, etc.  He's quite a "holistic" approach kind of guy and although he is certainly an entrepreneur (sells some vitamin products etc.), he is really more about spreading the word about health and nutrition.  If you sign up for his newsletter and site access he does NOT spam you.

Anyway, he's a big proponent of juicing.  I'm more in the camp of smoothies.  Dr. Mercola extracts all the liquids and drinks them (leaving out the fiber from the veggies and fruits) and then eats what's left separately (ick) because the body digests it better that way.  I'm more into the quick and easy method:  Toss it all into the blender and call it a day.

So I researched and while the Vitamix and HealthMaster type blenders look amazing, they are also upwards of $300.  Instead I found a "NINJA" at Walmart for $79.00 (maybe it was $89.00 can't quite remember.)  This blender ROCKS!

My green smoothies so far consist of:

• Spinach (2 cups)
• Kale (2 leaves),
• Parsley (a few sprigs - fresh)
• Strawberries (3 large)
• Blueberries (1/2 cup)
• Banana (whole)
• Coconut Oil (1 tbsp.)
• Water to suit...about 1 cup

Believe it or not the sweetness from the fruit takes the edge off the bitter dark greens and it's pretty enjoyable.

Last night I bought lots more veggies and some more fruit to try changing it up: pineapple, mango, peaches, celery, radishes and collard greens.  These are all things I almost never eat, but which offer their own health benefits.  So if I can toss 'em in, eat 'em raw and get the benefit...WHY NOT?

I can't believe how I did such a 180 degree turn on this.  I tried a green smoothie at a friend's house while traveling and was surprised mostly by how EASY it was to do.  THAT was probably my biggest reason for not doing it before.

I had a fancy smoothie maker with a spout etc.  The thing was a pain to use and a bigger pain to disassemble and clean.  The vitamix 5000 model my friend had was just one unit.  Toss everything in and when you're done, rinse it out, blend some hot water and dishsoap, rinse again and done.  SO EASY!

The NINJA that I bought is the same way, you only remove the blade from the top and the container, blade and lid are even dishwasher safe.

I'm sold.  I'll talk more about the coconut oil in another blog (google it..it's fantastic!!!) but for today, I'll just leave with this thought:  If you aren't getting the recommended servings of veggies each day, this is an easy and totally healthy way to even drink them on the run.

And if you're doing weight watchers, it's 100% point free (except for the coconut oil, but I personally won't sacrifice that!)

Chat with y'all tomorrow....I'm off to make my smoothie and take it on the commute to work!  

On this day in 2010

August 2010 Massachusetts vacation 320 lbs.

On this day in 2010 I posted the following on Facebook right after my summer vacation:

"thinks it's time to get back on a healthy eating plan. After 9 1/2 months of "post-quitting smoking" eating, I realize if hunger isn't the problem, eating isn't the solutiion. Vacation is over - and I'm out of excuses. :-)" 

I weighed 320 at the time.

One year later, I am down 72 pounds, to 248, two days after this year's summer vacation to the same vacation spot.

I have been lax for the past couple of weeks.  Not posting on the blog, not exercising at all, and eating ridiculously bad choices.  While on vacation at the lake I actually ate Little Debbie's snack cakes for pete's sake.  It can't possibly get worse than that!

August 2011 Massachusetts vacation: 248 lbs.

Well, in 2011, upon returning from vacation, I can say...

I think it's time to get back on a healthy eating plan. After2 1/2 months of  mega travel and being out of my regular routine, it's time to get back on track.. Vacation is over - and I'm out of excuses.
:-) 

It's time to get blogging, get moving, and get on track.  I have lots to share and a lot has happened these past couple of months....time to kick this healthy living into high gear!  I have a lot planned for my fall and I'm going to need all the energy, focus and positive attitude I can muster, so here we go!!!!!


I'm already back on track and amazingly, I thought I'd gained 6 pounds during my vacation and after only two days back I'm back to my pre-travel weight.  I suspect a lot of the gain was water from the tons of sodium I consumed (that i'm not used to!)

I'm back, I'm blogging, and I have lots of new goals.  See you tomorrow!!!

Bolthouse Farms Vinaigrette: Review

I have found my new best dressing!  It's Bolhouse Farms Extra Virgin Olive Oil Raspberry Merlot Vinaigrette.  This stuff is fabulous!

It has a nice fairly rich flavor, it's not "diet" and there are no artificial sweeteners.  In fact, they use apple juice and sugar to sweeten it.  And it uses real olive oil as well as flaxseed oil, so the Omega-3 is high.

It's a downright health food!

And coming in at only 30 calories for 2 tablespoons...we have us a winner!

So my recommendation:  4.5 stars out of 5.  Yum.

Now on the subject of salads....I want to speak to the fact that you HAVE to eat in order to lose weight.  I am learning that you just can't skip meals, and that regardless of what time of day, your body needs those dark leafy greens and crunchy veggies.

Last night I was tired (worked very late) and had a lot of packing to do and didn't feel like eating.  But I made myself by grabbing a handful of baby spinach, tossing on some feta, and some of this dressing.  My body was happy and it occurred to me:  With all the travel I've been doing, there have been two constants.  I have been drinking Emergen-C daily, and eating my dark leafies daily.  And despite being on planes and stuck in rooms with coughing sneezing people, I haven't been sick, tired, run down or otherwise not feeling well,  Cause and effect?  I think so.

So here's to getting those veggies and here's to getting them with tasty low cal dressing on top!

Rejection

I can handle so many emotions these days that I couldn't handle just a few short years ago.  I can handle disappointment, loss, sadness.  I navigate through the waters of loneliness, restlessness, and boredom.  But one emotion I just cannot seem to conquer is rejection.

Mind you, no one likes rejection, I'm pretty sure.  But I take it so much to heart.  It triggers those feelings of "I'm not good enough" or "pretty enough" or "thin enough" or "funny enough" or "talented enough" or "smart enough" (depending on who's doing the rejecting and in which context.

I'd love to get to the point where I'm just so confident in myself that when someone walks away from me, I don't take it as a personal rejection and instead see it as an indication of where that person is in his or her life. And to smile and just let it go,  I'm not there yet.

I have a friend who occasionally seems to ignore me.  I have resisted urges to contact the person and pester.  Hey, if someone isn't interested in my friendship, I'm not going to chase like a puppy chasing after a car.  At least I've grown that much.  But what's interesting is that since the perceived 'ignoring' started, it has triggered all kinds of self esteem issues in me.

I walk past a mirror and find what I see repulsive.  All I can see is how much fat I have yet to lose, whereas just days ago I was feeling so confident in how much I've already lost and what I was seeing was my muscle definition and progress.  It's seeping into other areas of my life, too.  I just finished a kick-butt job for a customer with total pride in my work, and although I was on an esteem high from it, I'm already deflated and kind of wondering......is this all there is?

Hard to articulate, really.

What I do know is that I am going to face a lifetime of occasional rejection.  That's just part of being human.  I need to figure out how to block it from reaching those parts of me that are so tender and vulnerable.  I need to find a way to make it not about me...but rather, about the person doing the rejecting.  I'm not sure how to get there, but it seems like making good, solid next right choices boosts my esteem to higher levels from which to fight these feelings.

I'll add that my eating has been sloppy for two days now. That HAS to contibute to these blah feelings and "less than" feelings.  Must. get. a. grip.

At least I can see these things and kind of head 'em off before they derail me.  I still have part of me on the track.  Which reminds me of a cool quote I heard years ago but that a friend (KK) posted on facebook today:

"Even if you're on the right track, you're going to get run over if you just sit there."

And therein lies the solution to my emotional problems today.

Plateau Must Go

Lookout Mountain, Denver Colorado June 30, 2011

I just got back from 3 solid weeks of travel and am heading out for another good bit of travel in a few days.  During my travels I did a pretty good job of regulating my intake of food and hopping on the hotel treadmill fairly regularly.

So I was disappointed to see the scale hasn't moved in those three weeks!  I think I have hit my first plateau on this weight loss journey.  I was seriously hoping to have lost around 5 pounds, so the fact that I basically lost none was a let down.

A little examination of the past weeks reveals that I really didn't do any weight training.  There were maybe two days that I spent a half hour to an hour with some free weights and crunches, but nowhere near the intensity I have been doing all year,  And if you don't do weight training, your metabolism slows down.  And if your metabolism slows down, you don't burn calories as fast.  And if you don't burn calories as fast, you can eat the same amount as always and not burn off the calories the same way.  Hence, the plateau.  It all makes mathematical and scientific sense.

I can still whine though.  So waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa call the waaaaaaaaaambulance.  There, got that out of my system.

I'm truly grateful I didn't GAIN weight during all this travel.  Though I had some measure of control over my food, the past week I was working from 7 am to 9 pm and our hosts fed us (which was appreciated) but the choices weren't always so good.  Plus they brought in baked goodies all day long.  Fresh hot bagels and muffins.  It's a wonder I resisted all but the last day we were there.  And on Friday I think I ate one of everything they had:  danish, bagel, peach muffin....that's what happens when I unleash the inner junkie.

Moving forward there are a few important things I need to really take away from this past month:

1. It's okay to take an occasional side trip on my journey.  That's why this is a lifestyle change and not a diet.  And speaking of side trips, that photo is from my recent Denver trip.  What a beautiful place!
2. You reap what you sow.  When I do both cardio AND weight, I have steady results.  Drop one or both of them and I flatline.  So to speak.
3. Setting actual numerical weight loss goals can be a positive or a negative.  I can say I'd like to lose 5 pounds in 3 weeks, but if I take a detour I can't bludgeon myself with it.  The numbers are steadily moving and a 3 week plateau, in the scheme of my lifetime, is really okay.

So what am I going to do differently moving forward?  Actually, nothing!  I'm going to get back on the schedule that was working so great for me...weights 3 times per week and treadmill anywhere from 2 to 4 times per week.  I just feel good when I do that, and I get results.

It was nice taking a little hiatus, but sorry, Plateau.  You've just got to go now.  :-)

ProcrastinEating

I am done my regular course (YAY!!!!) and all that's left are some guest speaker things.  Life is GOOD.

So I'm waiting tonight to meet some friends.  They're not going to be here for another half hour or so, and what I really should do is start packing up some things so that I can ship stuff back home and so that come 4:30 Friday morning I won't have to scramble (yeah, talk about an early flight!)

Anyway, I keep looking around feeling like I "should" pack a little and instead I keep grazing on over to the "skinny popcorn" bag and grabbing a handful.  There's a name for this behavior.  ProcrastinEating!

According to the Urban Dictionary (ha..the authority for made up words!):


ProcrastinEating:


(v) The consumption of food undertaken to avoid a dull or arduous task, irrespective of hunger levels or the time of day.


(ex. 1) Mark: Man, this History paper's taking me forever...I could go for some Guacamole and Spicy Salsa dip on crackers... 


(ex. 2) John: Dude, you ate lunch half an hour ago. Quit ProcrastinEating and get back into it!

----------------------------------------

It amazes me in a way that I'd turn to a handful of any kind of food for procrastinating when my biggest health goals right now involve weight loss.  Yet, there I was, doing it.  It didn't throw off my food consumption or weight watchers points, I mean, not even a little bit, so there's no concern there.  It's just the behavior itself that makes me pause and evaluate.

I'm thinking that it is just human nature for a large part of the population - and it has nothing to do with food, food addiction, weight loss or gain, or fitness.  It has to do with good ole procrastinating and whatever's handy will fit the bill to get out of doing what we don't want to do.  Smokers will smoke.  Eaters will eat.  Busy bees will find some busy work other than the thing they don't feel like doing.

Then it occurred to me - rather than grazing, I could have just taken a nap!  Then I would have been rested to hang out with my friends tonight AND I would still be doing the procrastinating I clearly wanted to do!  Problem solved!

I'll make a little note of that one and tuck it away for the next time I feel like procrastinating.  Like tomorrow probably.  :-)

I Can See Clearly Now

Laying in bed at the hotel last night my neck was stiff from sitting in a grueling class all day so I laid out flat with no pillows for a while.  After a few minutes it occurred to me:  while laying there I could actually see my toes! So then I jumped up to try this little stunt while standing.  I can do it!  After compensating slightly for the chest area, I can look straight down and see those little piggies!  Whoa!

I had a thought about skipping the treadmill this morning, but have pushed that thought out of my mind.  In the past few months I've gotten reacquainted with my collar bones, shoulders and rib cage; now I can see my toes.  I'm inspired.  I can't wait (and I do finally think it may be possible) to find my long lost hip bones.  What a reunion that'll be!

Ok.  Off to the gym.

Baked In or Iced on

Healthful living is better when it is baked in and not iced on.

I am learning (and living) that being healthy isn't a pill you take at the end of the day, or choosing a pear for dessert instead of ice cream (after eating 2 plates of pasta for dinner!), or eating junk all day and then spending an hour at the gym. Those are all things you do to try to make up for a lack of "built in" healthy choices.  

On a web forum for abused women I used to frequent we called that sort of thing "fruit stapling."  Taking a dead tree and stapling pretty fruit on it to make it look good doesn't make it a healthy, vibrant tree.  Underneath you still have a dead tree that isn't producing the good fruit!

This is true for food itself, too.  When the nutrition is "baked in" - healthy, whole, organic, natural - it tastes good and feeds the body what it needs to fuel us.  When it's food that's been stripped of its natural goodness (bleached, processed, etc.) and then sprinkled with vitamins .... it's just not the same.  It's "iced on" but not "baked in."  And our bodies absolutely know the difference!

I'm really trying to make my healthy lifestyle "baked in" from the inside out - and I can feel the difference.  Good choices are becoming automatic - I'm not having to stop and calculate or wrestle so much with good choices; they are becoming natural.  I'm not having to hit the treadmill to atone for bad choices.  I'm getting on the treadmill because it feels good physically and mentally and I like that feeling!

I used to always hear people say "don't diet...you need to make this a lifestyle change" and I thought I understood.  I didn't.  I do now.

A dear friend of mine always says that over time, we become our choices.  I agree completely.  Through tiny daily, sometimes hourly, choices, I am becoming healthy from the inside out.  My health is getting baked in.  And I am starting to really feel the difference.  :-)

What Matters?

Earlier this evening I had the chance to meet some truly wonderful people from Quitnet.  We had a couple of drinks, some dinner, lots of laughter, and several good hugs.  It was a delightful evening, celebrating our journeys and being genuinely glad to have crossed paths with each other.

It's a beautiful evening, clear skies, a slight breeze, and being a Saturday night there are people and a hubbub of activity, so I decided to walk back to the hotel rather than take Denver's awesome "FreeRide."  I could hear music playing and people laughing, glasses clinking in the outdoor cafes and pubs, and the clickety click of horses hooves on the pavement as the carriages pulled passengers along the 16th Street Mall.

I was feeling all warm and fuzzy on so many levels.  I was thinking about how I'm losing this weight, making so many new friends, how my job/career is successful and how I get to stay at such a great hotel and how easy it would be to get used to a "silver spoon" kind of lifestyle.

And then I started paying attention in the center aisle area as I walked.  There are walkways on either side, but there is a center island area, too.  While the bustle of activity is on the outer edges, the inside was made up of locals.  There were people sitting around chatting.  In another area, there was a table and there were men sitting around playing chess.  There were a couple of people sitting on a bench.  They each had a large bag, like an overnight bag, and their clothing was tattered.  There was a woman bent over, struggling to close/secure a rather large trash bag full of belongings and she had two pieces of luggage she kept trying to keep from tipping over.

And it slowly occurred to me...some of these people are homeless.  I watched the woman for a while struggling with her bags.  She wasn't angry or upset.  She was just "taking care of business" in her own way.  I wondered about her story...about their stories.  Why was she there?  Were these all of her belongings?  Why was no one there to help her?  I felt...I don't know what I felt....almost an affection towards her.  Maybe a bit of understanding..that there but for the grace of God go I...if I lost my job I don't really have "backup" and I could end up homeless.   And it just underscored how very, very fortunate I am.  Yes, life has been hard for me sometimes.  But I have so very much to be grateful for, so many positives come my way all the time.  

I looked to see if I had any cash.  Mind you, she wasn't asking anyone for any.  I just felt..,it's one small thing I could do.  As I handed it to her, she thanked me and said "God bless you."  I could feel myself starting to cry so I looked away and started walking so she wouldn't see me.  I felt like she had a lot of pride and wouldn't want that....

A little further down I heard a man singing and playing the piano.  In Denver, they have placed pianos all along the sidewalks for people to sit and play for free.  Just walk along, find a piano, sit, play to your heart's content..it's pretty cool.  This man had a beautiful voice.  As I rounded the corner to see him, there was another man standing beside him, he also had a bag of belongings and he was really engrossed in the music.  I wondered about them.  Did they know each other?  Were either of them homeless?  What was their story?  They both were sharing a moment with me though...the genuine appreciation of music.  I lingered there a while before coming up to my room just now.

The weight loss is important.  The job and career are important.  The travel and sightseeing and education - all important.  But what really matters is who I am as a person.  Do I see the people around me?  (I think sometimes I don't.) Or do I hustle by and not see them?  Do I stop to listen to the music?  Or do I have some important agenda and no time to stop and share a moment with someone?  Am I a good person?  Do I care about others?  Am I the kind of role model I would want for my son?  Am I raising him to be the kind of man who "sees" others?

Ahhhhh the things that rattle around in my brain.  What matters isn't reaching every goal or racing to the finish line.  What really matters is the journey we take to get there, and the little choices we make along the way: see, or don't see?  stop or keep going?  share or ignore?  reach out or pretend you don't see.

It's been a beautiful night and I think it couldn't really have ended any nicer for me than pausing to reflect on what matters.  :-)

Taking Care of Business

I'm in the midst of a lot of work travel.  It would be so easy to just let go of my forward momentum and blame it all on "travel."  It can be difficult to find solid, healthy choices and to stick to a good routine while on business travel.

So I thought it out in advance and made a commitment to myself to keep on moving forward.

First thing I did was contact Attila the Hon - my personal trainer - and work through a fitness plan I can do while on the road.  This includes workouts I can do in the hotel rooms as well as options for the in-hotel fitness centers.  I have loosely stuck to it, too. The first hotel didn't have a fitness center per se, but this one does and I hit it upon arrival!  I spent 40 minutes on the treadmill and another 45 doing weight training.  Yay me!

I also peeked around the hotel and there are some healthy-ish options, but they were not good enough for me.  For instance, there's a Starbucks in the hotel.  They have yogurt.  But it's sweetened/sugary and has granola plopped on top.  I just don't do that anymore.  So I explored the area and found a small farmer's market with lots of produce, some organic and whole foods and deli meats.

I asked the hotel for a mini, in-room refrigerator.  They stated they only had a few and that they were likely already deployed throughout the hotel.  I told the girl I had "food allergies" and couldn't find anything at the hotel suitable and safe for me to eat.  She said, we'll find one and send it right up to you!!!"  (Hey, it's true.  When I eat sugar I can't stop eating it and then I blow up like a blimp.  I'd call that an allergy!)

So here's my little stash:

I have mixed field greens, a package of baby spinach, avocado, carrots, mushrooms, nonfat greek plain yogurt (I LOVE this stuff...it's a daily staple and I was so excited to find it!), tomatoes, Boars Head turkey, packets of tuna, whole multigrain baguette, apples, bananas, oranges, jerky, whole raw nuts, string cheese, homemade ranch dressing, oatmeal and craisins for in-room breakfast, organic cottage cheese..... I'm SET!

The conference I am attending includes guest speakers and a long course. 8 am to 6:30 pm!  Plus evening keynote speakers etc.  And NONE of it includes breakfast or lunch or dinner, just snacks and those snacks are junk.  No problem, I've got it covered!

The end of this leg of my whirlwind summer is going to be in Maine with my parents and son for the 4th of July weekend. I have already given myself permission in advance to eat what I want on cookout day.  But until then, there's no reason to not eat healthy.

I'm meeting friends later today and while at dinner, I will find a healthy choice.  I'm meeting a group of folks I met through Quitnet.com on Saturday night and I may or may not be healthy, but I have 49 extra weight watchers points for the week...I may use 'em on some Baileys.  :-)  Hey, I'm doing a lifestyle, for the long haul, change.  So I don't quit living - I just factor in the "extras!"

Anyway, there's my little travel testimony.  If eating healthy and maintaining fitness is your goal, you can do it no matter where you are.  You just gotta stay focused and 'take care of bu'ness.'  It may take a little extra work, but the benefits are worth it.  For me, the real benefit is how I feel about myself.  Which is pretty darned good these days!!!  Not to mention the extra energy I continue to have to get through this difficult and demanding course.  It's all win-win!

The Mirror vs. The Camera

I was starting to like the mirror again until I realized the horrific truth.

What I see in the mirror is some kind of illusion, some blessed warping of reality that filters out a lot of fat and blech from my own eyes.  Because I can look in the mirror, and like what I see....then snap a pic at that EXACT same time, upload it to my pc, and become truly disgusted by what I am seeing.  It's like two different people.  Of course, it's not.  It's all me.  And by all, I mean, all 249 pounds of it.  Blah.

I'm getting ready for a lot of travel starting very soon and ending pretty much at the end of August.  So I've been in trying on clothes including bathing suits and coverups.  I want to scream.

Sure, one can say 70 pounds in 8 months is good.  But I guess I was hoping for more.

Or maybe I was hoping that the weight would come off prettier...you know, less sagging, more of it coming off my midriff than is actually happening, less pancake flattening of the bosom, etc.  *sigh*

I'm really sad and angry tonight.  Sad that I didn't get to this point decades ago.  Sad that I couldn't get it friggen together until now.  Sad that I wasted my youth being so freaking isolated, depressed and hopeless.  Sad that now that I actually WANT to look pretty, it feels like it's too freaking late.  I know, shaddup Carly.  I'm just saying, that's how I feel right now.  And angry because so many EXTERNAL factors contributed to the problem in the first place...from being molested as a child to the garbage food our government allows in the food supply chain, to the fact that crap food is cheap and healthy food is so expensive, etc.  I'm just plain crabby.

(No doubt trying on clothes nekkid kind of set the tone here.)

I've worked SO hard and feel like it's not working.

On the UP side, however, I tried on my 11 year old's Ravens Jersey (size XL, just regular old XL) and it fit!  As did an XL t-shirt.  Not 5XL, or 4XL, or 3XL, or 2XL, or 1XL...a regular flipping extra large.  So I ran to the dresser and found a work shirt they gave me some time ago...and it fit, too!  So that made me feel good.  For about a nanosecond.

Well, it can't all be roses and joy joy and love love and sweetness, can it?  No, I didn't think so.  Tra la la.

♥♥♥

70 Down, 70 to Go

I hit the EXACT halfway mark today.  As of 5:00 a.m. this morning, I am down precisely 70 pounds, with exactly 70 more to go.  WOOHOO!

It's exciting and I feel great---better than I have in decades.  I no longer smoke.  I exercise regularly.  As I posted about yesterday, there are so many things I can do now that I couldn't do before.  Like seeing my feet, for instance.  ;-)   I have newly restored dreams and hopes and a belief that there is a lot more living for me to do.  It's all good.

Still.

It can be daunting to look out on the horizon to try to see the next 70 pounds coming off.  This isn't my first rodeo.  I know this second half is going to require more effort, more commitment, more exercise, less calories, more creativity......and more drive.

It can be difficult because I do feel pretty good already.  I can't even fathom what losing more is going to feel like - it's been so long since I was in this territory (close to two decades) and I haven't been near my goal weight since I was a teenager!  (and that only lasted a couple of years).

I have no doubt in my mind that I'm going the distance.  I didn't come this far to turn back now.  No freaking way.

I just need to keep chasing out any UNhelpful thoughts, and keep making solid "next right choices" each day, to the best of my ability.  And remember that sometimes a great choice will include detouring over to a hot fudge sundae with my son or enjoying a cookout with the family.  And that's OKAY.  In fact, over thr 4th of July weekend I have already given myself permission to eat a nice juicy burger, some of my mom's potato salad (hear that mom?  *wink* *wink* *nudge* *nudge*),  and maybe even have a Bailey's or two.

Remember my post on INCREMENTALITY?  It's how I got here, and it's how I plan on getting to the finish line.  One bite at a time, one step at a time.

♥♥♥

Look What I Can Do!

For those of you who have never really had weight issues, this might be a real eye opener.  For those of you who have struggled with weight, say like, I don't know, 30 pounds overweight...(amateurs!) this may also be an eye opener.

I have lost just about 70 pounds now.  And every week I am discovering things I can do that I haven't done for years.  Things that "normal" size people have NEVER considered.  Things that everyone just does and would have no reason to think about - ever - unless they were seriously overweight.

I am sharing this in the hopes that maybe folks who aren't severely overweight will develop a little sensitivity to those who are, and realize, this is clearly not a "choice" (who WANTS to suffer with severe obesity???).  I also hope that those who have experienced one or more of the things I am talking about will feel a little less shame and know that you're not alone....

I was talking to my BFF on the phone last week (that's Best FAT Friend), and we laughed till we cried talking about all the things we used to do or couldn't do that we have overcome.  This is just a partial list.  Feel free to add your own in the comments below.

1. If I ever get arrested, I feel happy that they will be able to put real cuffs on me as I can now touch my hands together behind my back.  Previously, I could not even touch my fingertips together behind my back.
2. Speaking of backs, I can now scratch mine almost anywhere.  Before, I needed a back-scratcher.  My son is eternally grateful he no longer needs to hear "up a little further...over to the left...down a little... ahhhhhhhhhh"
3. For the first time in decades, I can take my bra off by unhooking it normally.  I used to have to keep it hooked and pull it on and off over my head.  Not that it really matters, but it feels kind of prettier doing it like they do in the rated R movies.  :-)
4. I can cross my legs.  Before, crossing my legs involved resting one ankle on the other knee.  That was as close as my thighs would allow my legs to mingle.
5. I no longer have to do an olympic gymnastic dismount in order to take care of personal hygiene matters in the latrine.
6. I can go to any restaurant, anywhere, and not have to worry about if they are going to put me:  (a) in a booth that's bolted to the floor meaning I couldn't move it away so I could fit, or (b) at a table too close to another table so that I couldn't pull myself in close enough to allow others to pass behind me.
7. I can fly on any airline and fit in the seat and using their built-in seatbelt without an extension.
8. I can see what I'm doing when I shave my legs!  I used to bend over, swish the razor around blindly on the back of my legs and hope I wasn't leaving a patch of carpet back there.  Fortunately, I couldn't possibly see back there so what you can't see can't hurt you.....
9. I can almost reach through my legs to tie my shoes.  You know, how people lean forward over the knee and have one arm on either side of the leg as you tie the shoe?  I'm almost there.  Check the shoes of fat people.  You'll notice the ties are off to one side or the other instead of being centered on the shoe.  That's because we tie our shoes by crossing one leg over our knee and from that angle it's very hard to get it straight.  I can at least reach MUCH better with my legs crossed so that the ties are in the middle.  Yay!
10. I can go on every freaking ride at Six Flags now.  :-)  I meet the weight requirement for every single ride I wanted to go on.  My son's whole life I could not ride with him on most things because I exceeded the limit, so he had to ride alone.  Yesterday was a.m.a.z.i.n.g.

Well there you have it.  A tiny peek into the world of limitations caused by being overweight.  There is so much more to someone being overweight than meets the eye.  

If some of us eat for emotional escape/comfort, imagine how much more we are in NEED of emotional comfort when navigating daily life is wrought with landmines and pitfalls to avoid or compensate for, or navigate around.  Add to that the rudeness of a whole lot of strangers who openly glare, point, make rude comments or outright laugh like children, and one really does need some emotional comforting.  So we turn to the thing that has worked in the past...eating.

It's all so complex.  It takes many steps to reach the point that you're ready to let go of the food and stand openly without it.  I'll post on another day the real process that got me to this point.  It's been quite a ride.

♥♥♥

The BIG Reveal

Well, the time has come to boldly go where no Carly has gone before.  It's time for The Big Reveal.

I think some of you will find it tremendously helpful to know who and what you're dealing with here. Like where I really started, where I am heading, and to quantify that with specifics. So (deep breath) here goes...

First, below is a photo album of where I started last summer and where I am today, which is almost exactly at the halfway marker. I am posting the slideshow here, but it is also tucked into the blog on the righthand side so that once this blog post gets bumped down, folks can see the photo roll no matter which page you're on.  

Of all the things I have shared with you, this right here...this is the most difficult and leaves me the most vulnerable to your possible rejection. Hey, this emotional stuff runs deep. It's pretty hard to admit I weighed 320 pounds. It's painful to acknowledge I was wearing a size 30/32. But last summer I did, in fact, reach 320 pounds and was wearing a size 30/32. That is a 5XL.

Here's a breakdown for you:

Using the calculator at National Institutes Of Health BMI Calculator at 5' 10" tall and 320 pounds, my body mass index (BMI) was 45.9, which according to NIH is obese (anything greater than 30 BMI is obese). 

But it breaks down further than that.  Almost all sites break it down as seen on Wikipedia.:

According to all sites, there are these varying classes of obesity. Wikipedia further breaks it down this way:

• Any BMI ≥ 35 or 40 is severe obesity
• A BMI of ≥ 35 or 40–44.9 or 49.9 is morbid obesity
• A BMI of ≥ 45 or 50 is super obesity

That would be me. Well, that WAS me anyway. I was exactly 1 BMI point over "morbidly obese" and into "super obese."  Having a big toe into that category is pretty freaking scary. And,  well....sad.

I am now 252 pounds which puts me at a 36.2 BMI, or "severe obesity." I am 7 pounds away from scoring Class 1 obesity (just plain old regular garden variety obesity like the majority of other Americans). It's pretty sad when "just being obese" is your next major goal.

On the UP side, however, I have lost 68 pounds, and according to the charts, I have another 78 pounds to go until I am what they consider "normal" weight. That's pretty freaking exciting to me today. I have already gone from a size 30/32 to a size 18/20 (some 22's still for sure, but many 18/20's fit me). I can't imagine how small I will be when I lose another 78 pounds!  

I may find that 180 or 185 ends up being my perfect weight. Or that size 14 is ideal. I don't know. This is all brand new territory. I haven't been near this weight for decades, so it's a mystery to me yet to be revealed! The smallest I can ever recall being was a size 12 when I was 19 and that was just ONE pair of jeans and I squeezed into them for about 2 weeks before rising up to a size 14. At a size 14, I looked and felt pretty flipping good. 

Anyway, there's my "confession" of sorts. It is what it is. I'm so freaking tired of hiding myself from anyone. From avoiding people. Or leaving out bits of information. I am me. This is it. Take it or leave it.  

Life isn't a dress rehearsal and if I don't dive in and just start living to the max now, I may not get a tomorrow to try it. 

♥♥♥

"Those who truly matter don't mind, and those who mind, don't matter."