Monday, July 11, 2011
I can handle so many emotions these days that I couldn't handle just a few short years ago. I can handle disappointment, loss, sadness. I navigate through the waters of loneliness, restlessness, and boredom. But one emotion I just cannot seem to conquer is rejection.
Mind you, no one likes rejection, I'm pretty sure. But I take it so much to heart. It triggers those feelings of "I'm not good enough" or "pretty enough" or "thin enough" or "funny enough" or "talented enough" or "smart enough" (depending on who's doing the rejecting and in which context.
I'd love to get to the point where I'm just so confident in myself that when someone walks away from me, I don't take it as a personal rejection and instead see it as an indication of where that person is in his or her life. And to smile and just let it go, I'm not there yet.
I have a friend who occasionally seems to ignore me. I have resisted urges to contact the person and pester. Hey, if someone isn't interested in my friendship, I'm not going to chase like a puppy chasing after a car. At least I've grown that much. But what's interesting is that since the perceived 'ignoring' started, it has triggered all kinds of self esteem issues in me.
I walk past a mirror and find what I see repulsive. All I can see is how much fat I have yet to lose, whereas just days ago I was feeling so confident in how much I've already lost and what I was seeing was my muscle definition and progress. It's seeping into other areas of my life, too. I just finished a kick-butt job for a customer with total pride in my work, and although I was on an esteem high from it, I'm already deflated and kind of wondering......is this all there is?
Hard to articulate, really.
What I do know is that I am going to face a lifetime of occasional rejection. That's just part of being human. I need to figure out how to block it from reaching those parts of me that are so tender and vulnerable. I need to find a way to make it not about me...but rather, about the person doing the rejecting. I'm not sure how to get there, but it seems like making good, solid next right choices boosts my esteem to higher levels from which to fight these feelings.
I'll add that my eating has been sloppy for two days now. That HAS to contibute to these blah feelings and "less than" feelings. Must. get. a. grip.
At least I can see these things and kind of head 'em off before they derail me. I still have part of me on the track. Which reminds me of a cool quote I heard years ago but that a friend (KK) posted on facebook today:
"Even if you're on the right track, you're going to get run over if you just sit there."
And therein lies the solution to my emotional problems today.
Posted by CarlyWeb