Stuck

Winnie the Pooh: [in a sticky voice] I must be going now. Goodbye, Rabbit. 
Rabbit: Well, goodbye, if you're sure you won't have any more. 
Winnie the Pooh: [turns to leave then stops] *Is* there any more? 
Rabbit: No, there isn't. 
Winnie the Pooh: I thought not. 
Winnie the Pooh: [tries to climb out the front door but is stuck] Oh, oh, help and bother! I'm stuck. 
Rabbit: Oh, dear. Oh, gracious. Oh. Well, it all comes from eating too much. 
Winnie the Pooh: It all comes from not having front doors big enough! 


========================================================


I went to the gym today for my monthly weigh-in and measurements. I am the exact same weight I was one month ago.  My waist measurement is somehow up .5" (one half inch.)  My hips are down .5" (one half inch) but everything else is basically the same.

A tiny part of me feels like throwing in the the towel and gorging myself on every wretched thing imaginable.  That's the emotional and shame-based part of me.  Fortunately, the thinking/knowing/reasoning part of me knows I would suffer from that kind of choice miserably and it would accomplish nothing.  It would take me further from my goals. It's not an option.

So where do I go from here?  I examine what I am doing or not doing and make adjustments.  

For starters, I somehow slowed way down on my treadmill activity at home. (to like once a week, twice tops - and for 20 to 30 minutes instead of 30 to 45.  Big differences, really.)  I also stopped recording my workouts.  I don't even know when I stopped.  It wasn't deliberate, it just kind of fell away.  Recording works for me.  I can see what I'm doing and track my progress (or lack thereof).  To me,  accountability is a big problem.

My trainer also told me that the elliptical I have been using for a few months is probably doing me a disservice.  It's working my hips and legs, but I'm not burning the kind of fat I could be burning by doing intervals on the treadmill.  Okay...treadmill it shall be for a while.

I am so thankful I haven't had any net gains since last month.  Because I haven't been paying close attention to the details, they got away from me.  Well, back to business.  I don't have to do everything perfectly, but I DO have to actually DO everything!  (Eat well, exercise, get on the scale, record my progress, etc.) 

I don't feel too badly right now (though I felt so upset this morning.) I have had a lot going on in my physical and emotional worlds and managed to not gain weight this month.  I'll take that.  But I can do better, and so better I shall do.  I only have one more month with the trainer and by golly, I'm going to go out with a bang.

Milestones: What's Next?

Real Sign Post Near My Folks in Maine

It's been a while since I posted.  There's been a lot going on in my world keeping me hella busy.

For starters, I interviewed for a job in Tennessee, was made an offer and have accepted this position.  So I'm in the process of organizing, packing, putting a house on the market, changing my son's school, moving, and starting a new job in a new state.  It sounds pretty big when I type it all out and look at it, so I try not to really think about the totality of it and just keep it simple, like for today I am purging clothes I don't want and purging anything in the bathroom I don't want to move with me.  I absolutely refuse to move junk, or unwanted items, or anything that I don't absolutely need or love.

So to the topic of Milestones, ABBA singer Agnetha Faltskog (after already being hugely successful in ABBA) once said, “My path has not been determined. I shall have more experiences and pass many more milestones.”   I love it!  As successful as she was, she knew she hadn't arrived at some destination.  She was still moving along on the journey.

Reading that quote got me looking at my own life and journey. I'm chuckling to myself.  I have really had some pretty cool milestones and although I have made some rather enormous mistakes from time to time, I've also enjoyed some successes along a road less traveled.  Life has presented unexpected and amazing opportunities and I have jumped on them because...well, why not?  You only live once!

I guess my point is that when I consider milestones they are helpful in setting goals and priorities, and in guiding me along my path forward.  Once I hit one, and it is behind me, the milestone isn't really all that important anymore.  I'd say having my son was a big milestone.  THE big milestone.  Other than that, everything else was just another stepping stone to get me this far, and there will be a lot more stepping stones going forward.

Same is true with the weight loss.  Milestones are really goals: I am almost at 100 pounds lost, then I am going to reach the "I weigh under 200 pounds" mark, then.....who knows?  But once I reach the goal and pass by it, it's not so important.

We live life enjoying the moments, not the milestones.  Eating an apple today instead of an ice cream is a successful moment that I can experience.  Feeling someone so much closer during a hug because there is so much less fat there is a moment I can truly enjoy.  I want to keep making choices that bring me to places where I enjoy more moments.  That I am passing cool mile-markers along the way is just an added bonus....they are certainly not the destination.  I can hardly wait to see where I'm going next.....

90 Pounds Down!

Once upon a time in a land far, far away......

Wait a minute.  This is no fairy tale and I'm no Cinderella.  There was no wicked stepmother and no mean stepsisters.  No pumpkin, no carriage, no mice, no horses and no glass slippers.

But there was a woman who decided that enough life had passed her by....enough pain had coursed through her veins.....and she'd had enough of putting her dreams on hold....hoping that "someday" she'd become the person she wanted to be.

That was me on November 1, 2009, when I smoked my last cigarette and decided it was time to let go of the crutches and start walking on my own.  It was the hardest thing I had ever done and I gained 40 pounds in one year after quitting.  I learned through that experience that I was capable of anything I set my mind to do, and in December of 2010, I decided the next thing to tackle would be my lifelong battle with weight.

It's taken 15 months so far, but I have now lost 90 pounds.  From August until the end of November I actually gained 20 pounds back, so I have technically lost 110 pounds in these 15 months.  Holy cow.  I am amazed and excited.

I have still a long way to go.  I started this journey at 320 pounds.  I am at 230.  I don't even know what my ultimate weight will be.  I'm moving into completely unknown territory.  Once when I was 19 I weighed 165 and went down to a size 12.  That lasted about 3 weeks and I climbed back to 185 and held steady there for 3 years without too much trouble.  I am keeping 180 as my possible goal, so that's still 50 pounds to go.  

For most of you, 50 pounds would seem so daunting.  It might have felt that way to me, too, but after tackling 90 pounds already, I feel very confident that this is truly my new way of life (eating healthy and working out) and I will get there.  I am not in a race.  I am not competing with anyone.  I am just living life and enjoying the process.

My life has taken many twists and turns, and there are still many more surprises ahead of me.  But I'm pausing this weekend and celebrating my milestone.  By the end of April I will have lost 100 pounds.  Wow.  

You know, the time is going to pass whether you make positive changes or not.  Don't find yourself a year from now regretting that you didn't get started.  There's nothing like the feeling of knowing you are caring for yourself in a way that shows self respect and self love.  It changes everything.  :-)

Baby Got Back

I'm not sure what you're thinking...but I'm really going to talk about my back.

For years, when driving on long trips, or even making my daily commute, I would try to lean back in the car seat and put my head on the headrest to get more comfortable for the long drive.  

It never worked.  It was never comfortable.  My back was fine; it was straight against the seat, but my head was tilted way back to try to reach the headrest because there was a lot of fat in my back pushing me forward.  I couldn't see the road well from that angle and it actually hurt my neck.  I didn't give it much thought, just made the decision to stop trying to do it since it was always less comfortable than just sitting straight up.

Then last week I did a good bit of driving and realized I was quite comfortable with my head on the head rest.  I got my "regular" back back.  Yay!  

For those of you who have never suffered from severe overweight issues, I hope my sharing of this type of thing helps you understand how every part of life is affected by obesity.  There are so many parts of daily living that you take for granted that people with severe weight issues have to struggle through, adjust around, etc. that normal weight people couldn't even conceive.  Like going on a long distance drive comfortably!

Anyway, as I near the transition from "obese" to "overweight" I am feeling so good and doing so many "normal" things; it's amazing.

For those who share my struggle, who are with me on this fitness journey, or mustering up the courage to begin....please know you are not alone.  There are a lot of us who get it...who understand...who lived it.  Get rid of any feelings of shame as quickly as possible and just make one positive choice today to take one step in the right direction.  Just one action can, and will, change your outlook.  

Take your life back.  You're worth it.

-------------

(Cute "Baby Got Back" video below just for giggles; if you receive this via email you'd have to click to come to the website to see the video)

Puzzling Out My Purpose

"You are a piece of the puzzle of someone else's life. You may never know where you fit, but others will fill the holes in their lives with pieces of you."
-- Bonnie Arbon 


I love this quote.  It reminds me that, while I seem to love being the center of my universe and focusing on me, me, me.....there are other people with whom I interact who are learning something from me.    It can be uncomfortable to stop and reflect on what, exactly, I am teaching through my words and actions, and to whom.

I am quite sure I have served as an example of "what not to do" a time or three in my life.  I'm sure I have filled in holes in some people's lives with a puzzle piece of sadness or anger or confusion or mistrust or doubt.  

I'd like to think I've also filled in pieces of others' lives with laughter, love, connectedness, friendship and warmth.  

I get so caught up in survival mode in life that I forget that that my life does actually intersect with others.  I generally feel pretty disconnected from people living out on an emotional island. I sometimes feel like my thoughts and actions don't really matter out in the world (except, of course, to my son where I am painfully aware I am being watched and serving as a primary role model...that's scary.)  Do you ever feel that way?

Well, you matter and so do I.  I sometimes forget this truth.  And then someone I don't know and have never met will send me an email telling me they joined a gym, or made themselves get on their treadmill...because something I wrote on the blog inspired them.  That's pretty humbling and it makes me want to make sure that the pieces of me that are placed into someone else's puzzle going forward are light and not dark, positive and not negative; I want to increase love and hope in the world, not decrease them....and I am reminded that I get to choose.

I don't know how I am perceived and I can't control those perceptions.  What I can control are my own choices. 

Maybe my job is to remain authentic, to speak from the heart, to keep it real, and to try to make more next right choices than next wrong ones....and let God take care of how those puzzle pieces all fit together.  

♥

Contradictions

I've been thinking about being human, and how part of that human experience is realizing life is filled with contradictions.

I'm definitely a walking contradiction.  So I wonder why that is, where it comes from, and if it's something I need to change.  I spent a while navel gazing on this one (you know, staring at my navel, maybe picking out a little fluff, while deep in thought) and arrived at the undeniable truth.  It's okay.  It really is.

I long for, and crave, close hugs and physical touch and can also occasionally find myself recoiling from touch, even the hugs from my son.

I believe that God made the universe.  And I believe in evolution.  (Don't ask, but it makes perfect sense to me.)

I believe in predestination, and I believe 100% that you are responsible for your own choices and journey.

Sometimes I will run away from you, but when you turn to go I'll grab your hand and hold on.

I'm fiercely independent and self sufficient and incredibly needy.

I can simultaneously manage a highly technical career and taking classes/getting certifications/going back to college, be a homeowner and a landlord, be a mother to a wonderful, active child and all that entails, and be a friend to many people who I connect with, but I become paralyzed when faced with piles of laundry, a washer, a dryer, an iron and a closet.

I can crank up the contemporary christian music on the car radio to sing out loud and as soon as someone cuts me off I stop singing, call him a %$*^&%!!!!  and then resume the song.  (ouch.)

I want so much to be around people, laugh, share, talk, just "be" and yet I isolate, by choice, most of the time.

And I believe with all my heart that people come in to my world for a reason, a season, or a lifetime (and I'm totally okay with that) and yet I am so reluctant to let the non-lifetime ones go.

I don't think flushing out the root of my walking contradictions is even important.  I think what's important is that I embrace them as all part of who I am, and that it's okay, and that if I say something I believe with all my heart today, then change my mind tomorrow, that's okay, too.

My life has been called the "Carly Coaster."  I used to try to make it stop, and stay within the confines of the "right track" so I wouldn't get hurt  Now I just invest in better airbags and in really good, non judgmental friends who ocassionally set me back on the tracks after I derail.  :-)

Addagood

I have a GOOD blog for this morning!

If I reflect back on how I have been making my life changes, it's been a slow and steady (albeit zig-zaggy) process.  I talked about one component,  "Incrementality", last June.

But something else that strikes me is that I have made the best, most effective and lasting changes, NOT by focusing on the BAD choices I have made, or was then making, but by focusing on how to ADD a GOOD thing.  (How's that for a run-on sentence?)

Let me explain.

Before I started this journey, I was eating fast food all the time.  It was quick, easy, sent me into a numbing coma-like state and kept me from feeling.  Instead of reprimanding myself for those bad choices, or focusing on how I had to eliminate the "bad" from my day (i.e., don't go to McDonalds), I focused on how I could add a "good" into the mix.

So I made a rule.  I can go to McDonalds like always, and I didn't have to eliminate ANYTHING from what I would normally have.  I did, however, have to add in ONE good, healthier choice to the meal.  If what I wanted was a Big Mac and Fries and (yeah, diet soda...what can I say?), I could still have that.  In addition, I would have to add a salad.  I decided that I was going to have one fruit or vegetable (vegetables were preferred over fruit for the nutrition but if they didn't have veggies, I'd have fruit.)  And I had to eat the healthier item first.

It didn't take long before I realized the healthier choices were filling me up and it was definitely making me feel better physically.  In a short time, I would order the Big Mac and the salad and forego the fries.  Not because I was supposed to get rid of the bad, but because adding in the good kind of nudged out the bad all by itself.

I decided to add water.  Water is essential to good health, good skin, etc.  So I decided to get in 8 glasses of water each day.  In doing so, I automatically found myself cutting down on diet sodas and coffee!  So I didn't focus at ALL on "diet soda and artificial sweeteners are "bad") but rather tried to fill more of my day with beneficial things.

Once those things were in place, they automatically pushed out so many of the choices that got me in trouble in the first place!

I think by focusing on the "bad" or the "negative" it reinforces our predisposition toward low self worth and self punishment. I think, for me, the best things in life are accomplished with "good", positive messages, positive reinforcement, positive changes and reinforcing my worth and value.  And, as old Martha says.....that's a GOOD thing.

♥♥♥

Who I Am

As I grow closer to my goal there are so many freaking changes going on it's sometimes overwhelming.

One change is the extra attention I seem to be attracting from the opposite sex.  All of a sudden I have apparently become interesting at work as men who have been in the building for years are now stopping me in the hall to say hello, or chatting with me as I get coffee (where the same guy hasn't spoken to me ever that I can recall.)  Funny how when your body improves, so does some people's perception of your intelligence, character and worth.  Hmmmmmm.

This is a big stumbling point for me, or I should say, had been in the past.  Getting attention in this way is not something I know intuitively how to navigate.

It's like giving a 12 year old the keys to a car and saying "go out there and drive on the highway."  He has no idea how to drive it, and would likely totally lose control the moment he started going too fast.

Well, welcome to my navigation of the opposite sex.  I have no idea how to drive this newly developing "me" and in the past, when I got to this point, drove right off the road into a ditch.  Getting out of that ditch took years!

Words like "you are beautiful" are like an intoxicating drug.  I haven't felt beautiful most of my life.  I remember a relative telling me repeatedly when I was young "you would be so pretty if only you would lose weight."  My self perception was truly horrible most of the time.  And I guess I created my reality based on those misperceptions.

I'm realizing that when I get certain kinds of attention, it reaches a place inside of me that has been deadened for many years - a place I turned off for self protection.  But I MUST navigate this correctly this time.  I'm not willing to get caught up in another relational nightmare.  I'm just not.  So in order to keep myself grounded, I think, I need to stay firmly focused on who I am, and what I want, and not let the attention shadow me (to a point where I get lost underneath it.) No freaking way.

So who am I?

• I am a christian.
• I am a comedian.
• I am a dork.
• I am awkward at receiving attention.
• I still am afraid of bullies.
• I can shoot first, ask questions later.
• I am sensitive. 
• I am smart.
• I am strong.
• I am weak.
• I am a lover first, but will fight to protect my own.
• I am not naive but sometimes wish I still was.
• I am vulnerable.
• I am flawed, but believe in the power of grace and mercy.
• I am forgivable.
• I am lovable.
• I am a lot more but don't want to reveal everything out on a blog.  :-)

And what do I want?

• To be loved for who I am, not "in spite of my defects."
• To be respected.
• To be valued.
• And of course, lots more, but those are integral.

I can't lose myself in this "unveiling" process.  I am going to work through this next phase as hard emotionally as I do physically.  I. Will. Not. Derail.  I won't.  For the first time in my life, I'm going to come out on the other side physically fit/attractive AND with a strong, healthy sense of self.  And though I am becoming receptive to attention, I'm going to allow my brain room at the romantic table along with the rest of me.  I'm going to reason, and judge, discern and apply all I have learned.  I will not make the same mistakes again.

I am Carly, and I approve this message.   <----that's who I am.  ♥

Another Milestone Behind Me (pardon the pun)

Well, well, well.  There are some things I know that I AM, and some things that I know I am NOT.

For instance, I am NOT:

• Super obese
• Morbidly obese, or
• Severely obese

Nope, this chick is now officially run-of-the-mill, ordinary, garden variety, simply "obese."

I started this trek with a BMI (Body Mass Index) of 45.9 which is the "Super obese" category.  In this category, many people require special-made caskets when they die because they cannot fit into a regular one.  Granted, I was only a few pounds into the category, but that is, most definitely, where I started. I blogged about it a little here:  http://thenextrightchoice.blogspot.com/2011/03/scale-my-legs-and-some-bmi-info.html

I have gone through 3 complete obesity categories and have landed in the 4th and final.  My BMI is 34.4.

If you'd like to calculate your own, here's a link:  WebMD BMI Calculator

Can I just say how proud I am of myself?  I have worked hard on this zig-zaggy ride, but I am staying the course and steadily getting where I want to be.

In 33 more pounds, I will no longer be obese AT ALL.  I will just be "overweight."  I know overweight (allegedly, according to a piece of paper) people who I think are simply gorgeous and completely fit.  I am sooooooooo close to getting there.

So that's my next "number" goal.  I'm not all that worried about it, either, because I know I'm going the distance this time.  Yup, I really am.

♥

Food As Fuel

I have heard for years that food should be viewed as "fuel" for the body.  While that is a very logical statement, when you're talking to a food addict, "fuel" isn't even on the radar.

To people who struggle with food issues, food can be:

• comfort/solace (mashed potatoes, mac'n cheese?)
• escape (hard to focus on feelings when knee-deep in Ben and Jerry's)
• fun (thinking about, buying, preparing, decorating, arranging, eating, socializing)
• a numbing agent (to dull feelings)
• a sleep aid (carb coma, anyone?)

I don't think most folks with obesity issues are thinking "Hmmm, and what kind of fuel does my body need right now? Protein?  Perhaps a complex carb?"  If my experiences mirror those of others, we weren't really thinking at all..AND...at least for me, I wasn't in touch with my body and what it needed.  I wasn't in touch with my own heart and mind and what it needed, let alone the body.  In fact, the real me was lost deep underneath so much fat I was quite out of touch with anything my body was telling me.

Now as I start fine-tuning this process of getting fit, there are always new things to learn.  One I am working hard to understand is how my body uses food as fuel.  Questions I am trying to figure out include:

• When should I eat the complex carbs (potato, brown rice, etc.)
• How MUCH is okay per day?
• When and how much protein? Fruits? Veggies?
• Should I have whey protein before my workouts to fuel them, or during, or after? 
• What about at night to help me sleep and help the body heal/build muscle?

There is an overwhelming amount of information out on the web and weeding through it I realize I need a guide...someone who's followed the path and figured a lot of this out already to help me cut through the b.s. and get to good. solid information.  (Thankfully, I have a friend who is helping me.)

But even then, there is trial and error because everyone's body is different and we all react differently.  Here are some basics I know:

• If I try to work out without complex carbs in my system, I'm going to tank.  I knew this, and last night I just forgot to have a potato or brown rice.  I just had some chicken and an apple (it was late getting home from work.)  This morning, I was shaky, dizzy and had a hard time finishing 3 sets of exercises which I did last week rather easily.
• If I don't have enough fat in my diet, I am hungry ALL the time and NOTHING will satisfy it.  If there is no fat in my day, I can pig out on nonfat dairy, veggies, chicken, fruit and almost immediately after eating them I'm STILL hungry.  Real hunger.  Stomach growling hunger.  But if I add some olive oil onto the salad, or stir some coconut oil into the smoothie...I feel much more satisfied.  
• Timing matters.  WHEN I eat carbs really matters.  WHEN I eat oils, proteins, fruits, etc.  I haven't gotten any of it down to a science, but I'm going to start a journal and try to keep track at least of days that are hard, days I feel dizzy and reflect back on what was missing.

I guess the real bottom line is.......somewhere along the line, food has become fuel to me!  I am always asking "What's in it for me" before I eat.  Is there enough nutritional content, have I already had too much protein, can I add fats or not, etc. so I can be properly fueled.  Wow.  That's just crazy right there!  :-)

Don't get me wrong.  I love food.  Thinking about it, shopping for it, finding recipes, cooking it, sharing it, looking at tastes, textures, colors and presentation.  All of it.  But I do it all now with an eye on what I actually need rather than what I am compelled to have.  It's amazing.  

I'm discovering a freedom from worrying about food and getting food into its proper place - to fuel my body so I can go out and have energy to do all the things I had put on hold for decades.  

♥♥♥

Purgetopia

I have had these comfy cozy pj's for a long time.  Although I have purged lots of clothes over the past few months, this is just so comfortable I have held on and held on...not wanting to let go (more about that in a minute.)

So this morning every time I tried to lean to pick something up, the whole top would basically flop off of me!  I really have no choice...this is just not wearable any longer.

This prompted me to head to the bedroom and reassess the rest of my clothes.  Holy moly....there is now another huge trash bag full of clothes to donate.  And I don't mean getting rid of clothes that are a little baggy.  I mean things that look ridiculous if I put them on.

It was fun, exhilarating and freeing to purge out the old.

And it was also sad.

There are a lot of memories wrapped up in some of the clothes.  Really.  My trusty "tried and true" fat clothes that would cover me when I wanted to hide.  Or would always fit me in a pinch.  I can remember events I went to wearing certain things, or job interviews, etc.  The memories of the past, while not always pleasant, are comfortable in that I know how to navigate life hiding in those clothes!

There is also some fear.  I'm going into unknown territory.  No fall-backs?  No bigger clothes to run to? I've always kept bigger clothes in the closet in case I needed them.  This time, I won't need them.  I'm not going back.  And I have no freaking clue what that means, what I'm heading into, where this path is going to lead me.  I feel slightly off balance.

I've left my comfort zone completely behind me, yet I'm only halfway to becoming the person I think maybe I was always meant to be.  It's exciting, for sure.  And saying goodbye to the old isn't the easiest thing to do.  But I need to make sure the goodbye isn't an "until we meet again."

Because I didn't "lose" those 80 pounds (where they can be found again.)  I have gotten rid of them for good, just like the clothes I used to cover 'em up.  "Au revoir pour toujours"....goodbye forever old me!

♥

80 Pounds Shed

What does 80 pounds look like?  How's this:

That right there is 80 pounds in the form of eight 10-pound bags of potatoes.  That's how much weight I have lost as of this morning.

Can you imagine strapping a bag on each foot, a bag on each thigh, a bag on each arm, and one on either shoulder, then going about your daily business - like walking up and down stairs to do laundry, walking across a parking lot to do grocery shopping, then coming back and lifting the groceries to bring them into the house etc.?

I can hardly imagine it, either.  Except:  (1) That's exactly what I was doing...hoisting all that weight around and trying to function normally (no wonder I was always tired!) and (2) I still have 60 pounds+ to go.  So I have another extra 6 of those flopping around even as I type this!  Yikes!

Anyway, I'm pretty freaking proud of myself.  I stalled out for a solid 3 months (maybe 4?) last year, but I'm back on track and moving right along again.

I have decided to reward myself in this stretch of weight loss (from here until I reach 200 pounds.)  Every time I lose 5 pounds, I am treating myself to a flavored [skinny version] of a Starbucks coffee.  Later today when I take a break from working, I'm heading over for a Peppermint Mocha while it's still available.  Mmmmmmmm.  Success tastes REALLY good!

♥

Something's Got To Give

My #^%!*@  scale feels like it has not budged in months.  Granted, in late summer and fall I was in a holding pattern of pigging out then half heartedly working out to a point where I gained nearly 20 pounds back.  Then lost it.  So as of January 1, 2012, I was basically right back to where I was in flipping August.  That's disheartening, but I own it and accept it and started a new "push" on January 1st.

I have been at THIS weight, though, for weeks and I am seriously working it!

I workout almost every day.  I have added personal training 3 times per week.  I have stepped up the cardio (treadmill, elliptical, exercise bike).  I will often walk 30 to 60 minutes even on days I'm at the gym with the trainer.

I am CAREFUL about my food.  I am not eating junk.  Okay, there was an unfortunate truffle incident, and some birthday cake, and....hmmmmm....maybe I'm in denial.  Maybe I'm overeating all the time and not realizing it....?

No, that's really not it.  I don't know what the heck it is, but here are some adjustments I am going to make going forward to help ensure my success.  Some of these things I used to do faithfully and have slipped, some are new:

1. Drink my water.  I will have at least 80 ounces of water per day (fill up my 20 oz bottle 4 times.)
2. My first meal (after working out in the morning) will be whey protein to help my muscles recover and kick off my metabolism.  When time permits, I will add berries into the shake as well.
3. I will eat WAY more vegetables.  I may not be eating that much, but I have also cut way down on the vegetables.  I used to have 6 to 8 servings per day.  Now I'm around 3 to 4 most days.  I think my body needs them to speed things up and process everything else better. So more veggies.
4. I had cut out just about all carbs.  For a couple of weeks I have had no bread (not even whole grain), no crackers, no potatoes, etc.  This is not helping my muscles any and it's not having the "more weight loss" effect I was hoping for.  So, I am going to incorporate complex carbs into every dinner and occassionally in my mid morning snack (granola, oatmeal, whole grain rounds with peanut butter, etc.)
5. Log my food.  I have barely recorded my food lately and had stopped measuring in favor of "eyeballing" it.  Well my eyeballs are liars.  I tried eyeballing a cup of whole grain spaghetti a couple of nights ago and then used the measuring cup.  Whoopsies.....reality bites. lol

I can get so overwhelmed trying to do everything at once that things start slipping through the cracks.  I'd love a personal assistant to follow me through the day and remind me of the friggen details I need to remember.  But since I don't have that, I'm going to have to just keep remembering, writing, revisiting and keeping myself accountable.

I am on a mission here and this is no time to be sloppy!

The picture to the right is from an artist named Leonid Afremov.  It is called "December Winter Sunset" and I find it represents my mood.  Fairly calm but with a lot of bright passions and fiery determination!

He is my new favorite artist.  I just can't get enough of him, particularly his cities, at night, in the rain.  The colors are amazing.  He paints with oil using nothing but a knife.  Pretty cool eh?  Here is a link to Leonid Afremov's DeviantArt Gallery

Golds Gym 2012 Challenge

Well, it's official. This morning I had my weigh-in for the "Gold's Gym Challenge 2012."  This involved wearing nothing but a sports bra and workout shorts and getting front and back pictures taken, getting weighed, and also getting measured.

As of this moment, I have 12 weeks to grunt, breathe, sweat, and work my way into as much fitness as I can jam-pack into a 12 week period safely, and with maximum effect.  It also means eating "clean."

I have decided that I want to win the local gym's 40-49 female category.  And so, well, I'm going to do it.  It's just the way it is.  I'm not sure if you've known me long enough to know the difference between "I really want to do something" and "I'm going to do it."  The former is like a far-off someday wish that has no real goals attached to it.  Like I really want to get my finances in order and a strong budget in place.  I really do want that.  But I make lame attempts at it.

This is different.  I have a plan.  I have a trainer.  I have knowledge.  I have friends.  And most of all, I have a belief that I am going to do it.  The worst case scenario, I suppose, will be working my butt off and not winning whatever is the local prize.  I'm still the big winner because I will have busted my butt for 12 weeks and be so much healthier than I am right now.  So why NOT go all out and go for it?  Still, I really do think I'm going to win.  :)

So that's that.  Right after I weighed in I hit the "Cardio Cinema" for a solid hour.  I love that room.  They play movies on a huge screen and it's dark in there so no one pays attention (or sees) each other.  I did the eliptical for 15 minutes and the treadmill for 45.  And I walked for 3 minutes, then jogged for 1 minute -- the entire time.

I realize motivation may become an issue over a 12 week period. Plateaus may happen, and knowing me, I'll figure out a way to discourage myself during the process.   That's where grit and determination will come in. I plan on maintaining a positive attitude and seeing this through to be best of my ability.  I want the joy that will come from knowing how hard I am working for it.  That's even better than winning.  I think.  I'll let you know.... ;-P

---------------

p.s. I stumbled on this and think it's a riot.  And it's funny because it's true.  Enjoy...


27 Tips For The Gym (funny)

(Great Snack Find!!!)

Nutrition Facts:

Nutrition (without walnuts): 1 square = 47 calories, .7 g fat, 8 g carbs, 3.7 g protein

Nutrition (with walnuts): 1 square = 63 calories, 2.3 g fat, 8 g carbs, 4 g protein

Ingredients:

• ½ C Xylitol Brown Sugar Blend (Ideal)
• 1 - 4 oz. jar baby food applesauce
• 2 tsp. ground cinnamon
• 1 ½ tsp. ground ginger
• ½ tsp. ground clove
• 1 tsp. baking powder
• 1 tsp. baking soda
• ½ tsp. salt
• 2 tsp. vanilla extract
• 4 large egg whites
• 1 - 15 oz. can of raw pumpkin
• 2 C oat flour
• 2 scoops vanilla whey protein
• ½ cup almond milk
• ½ C chopped walnuts (optional)

Directions:

1. Preheat the oven to 350.
2. Spray a 9 X 13 Pyrex dish with non-stick spray.
3. Combine first 11 ingredients and mix well.
4. Add the final 3 ingredients (4, if adding walnuts), and mix until incorporated. Spread batter into the Pyrex dish and bake for 30 min.
5. Makes 24 squares.

 Jamie's Pumpkin Protein Bars Recipe. PDF (12.9 KB) 

Bodybuilding.com - Jamie Eason's LiveFit Recipes: Pumpkin Protein Bars


I tried these and they are AWESOME.  I used the Splenda Brown Sugar blend (couldn't find the Xylitol type) and I used pecans instead of walnuts.  But mmmmmm so good!!!!

And GUILT FREE!

Goal Control

I think goals are important.  Goals help us take control of our lives, set a destination, and help us figure out how we're going to get there.  With measurable goals, we can push ourselves where we want to go!  Goals rock!  Goals move us forward in the direction we choose!  Goals drive our decisions!

However, goals can completely derail me if I'm not careful.

When I start getting really excited about goals, I can lean toward grandiosity.  A sense of being able to conquer the world can be a good thing.  An absurd exaggeration of my abilities (with some magical thinking tossed in for good measure) can have me setting unrealistic goals (like in January 2011 when I thought I could lose 140 pounds in one year!)

In addition to setting goals too high, I can set too many at once.  I'm the type of person who can "eat an elephant one bite at a time", but I can't sit down and eat it all at once.  In other words, my greatest successes have typically come from making one good, solid next right choice, incorporating it into my being, and then adding another one.

When there is too much on my plate at once, I get overwhelmed.  And when I get overwhelmed, I shut down.   I don't mean I shut down one of the goals, I mean *I* shut down.  If I can't do all 15 things at once, I will end up doing nothing at all and start a snowball effect where I am not able to manage or handle most everything.

Setting unrealistic goals can be deflating, demoralizing, and can even trigger feelings of depression. And I'm not interested in backsliding my way into yesterday, thankyouverymuch.

Goals on my plate currently (which I really need to asses):

1. Golds Gym 12 Week Challenge

I signed up for this workout challenge.  Next week they will be taking before pictures (in a two piece, what the heck was I thinking?) and I will be striving for most improved, over a 12 week course.  Competitors will be evaluated in the areas of weight, ability, looks, and a written essay.  And of course, I want to take the 40-49 year old female category.

2. 44 in 4

I set a goal last week that I would lose 44 pounds in 4 months, or exactly 2.58 pounds per week.  According to my scale this morning, I did not even make it my first week. In fact, I somehow weigh one pound MORE this morning than I did a week ago.  I could scream.  In order to make the goal now, I would need to lose 2.81 pounds per week from now until April 30th.

3. The Magic 200.

The 44 in 4 was part of accelerating my progress toward hitting the 200 pound mark.  This is probably every hugely overweight person's dream...getting under the 200's seems like such a huge victory.  So tied to hitting 200 is:  my 44 in 4 challenge, the huge accomplishment in my heart just knowing I did it, plus my grandmother has tossed out additional motivation - she won't say what it is, but has told me she has a reward in store for me when I reach that goal.

All that seems so good, right?  You would think so.

So why, can someone tell me, am I not losing one freaking pound here?  Why am I killing myself at the gym, hitting the treadmill at home damn near every day, and I weigh exactly what I weighed 8 days ago?  I know I had two days where I ate things I shouldn't.  One day I had 3 Lindor Truffles (note: eating one was awesome.  Eating two was so-so.  By the third it was actually gross.  I don't recommend that much chocolate in one sitting.  Blech.)

Anyway, I feel like I'm teetering on the edge here.  While working on the goals I'm also:

• changing my diet to incorporate whey protein to help with muscle soreness (in the form of a snack replacement/meal replacement)
• have also started recording my workouts to record/track/compare and make sure I push harder each time
• have started working out almost twice as much
• On top of that, my newest trainer at Golds had his last day Friday and I start with a new trainer Monday
• And I'm changing from 5:30 p.m. to 5:30 a.m. instead, meaning a whole new daily schedule to get used to.

Frankly, all this change at once, coupled with the lofty goals, seems to be having the effect of overwhelming me.

Some days I just want to run screaming from the world and go hide in a little cave until I get it all sorted out in my head.  (I tend to live inside my analytic mind and sometimes it gets really crowded in there - I feel like I need to take everything out, organize it, rearrange it, purge what I don't need, and put it all back in neatly.)  Yesterday I think I started that process and I'm not quite finished yet.

Putting everything on my plate in writing (where I can see it) is helping.  I need to get my routines under control.  I need to get my thinking under control.  I need to get my emotions under control.  And I definitely need to get my goals under control.

Because it seems this "out of control" feeling is spilling into other parts of my life, too.  And I will not let that happen.

Mounting the Scale

On New Year's Day I weighed 244.2.  Yesterday I weighed 243.  So imagine my surprise when this morning the scale showed "241.4."  I was so flipping excited I hopped off, grabbed my cell phone (camera) and hopped back on, only to see it say "244."  I got off and back on.  "243.2"  Off and on again... "243.2."  I waited 2 minutes and got back on.  "243.2."  Hmmmmm.

Next I tried the "gingerly alight" approach.  After tapping the scale once with my right foot, and using only the ball of my right foot, I placed it midway on the scale...oh so gently.  I followed with the ball of my left foot and then slowly let both heels down until I was standing evenly.  "243.2." Sonofa.....

I relayed this story to my BFF (remember, my best fat friend) and we laughed and laughed.  It seems we both have our own little private superstitions about how to mount and dismount the scale for optimum results! (I know I blogged about it once before, but it's just so funny to me, and I keep on doing it.)

Let's face it.  Some of us have developed some rather hilarious routines related to our bathroom scale.

Another friend told me today that might work for the old scales, but that the digital ones require you to hop on  and get solid footing quickly.  Who knew?  All these decades of Scale Ballet techniques are hard to break!  But I'll try.

Speaking of which, how many of us wake up, go pee, then rush to the scale immediately?  The other day I got up, tinkled, went into the kitchen and had a couple of sips of water to wash down some medicine, THEN remembered the scale.  I'll be darned if I'll get on the scale after a few sips of water...the process was RUINED, I tell ya!  lol

Anyway, I just thought I'd share my scale thoughts.  I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one with funny scale superstitions, habits, and methods.  I may be one of the few, however, who openly admits it.

:-P

Carly The Conqueror

So there is one device at the gym that I just could not do.  It's an ab slant board.  You tuck your legs up into it and lay back in a decline position.  You are to basically do a sit up from that position, reaching your arms forward.

When my trainer had me try it on December 10th, I couldn't even get my shoulders off the darn thing.  I blogged about it HERE.

I made a vow that I would win and not let that stinkin' machine beat me.  I have been doing crunches and sit-ups fairly regularly since then.

This past Monday, after a vigorous workout, the trainer said he had one last thing for me to do, and pointed to the ab slant board.  He said, "I know, you hate me."

I smiled and said, "Not at all."

He asked if I need help getting in it (in the past I needed help.)

I said, "No thanks.  I've got this." (with a big smile on my face.)

He held his clipboard just above my hands to create a target for me to try to reach.  I pushed the clipboard a little farther away.  And kept smiling.

He said, "Oh really?"

And I said, "Watch me."

And I proceeded to kill two sets of 12 each, in perfect form, reaching the higher target.

In your face, ab slant machine.

HA!

♥

New Year, New Goals

I started this blog at the end of 2010, and officially began the "Year of Me: 2011" January 1, 2011.  January 3rd was my first day with a personal trainer, and I have pretty much blogged about everything between then and now.

What a difference a year makes.

On December 31, 2011 I went to Kohl's to shop for jeans.  You see, it's been decades since I could buy clothes in a "real" store.  The only stores I could really shop in were stores like "Fashion Bug Plus", The Avenue, and Lane Bryant.  Heck, even Dress Barn only goes to size 24, so until this year I couldn't shop there.  I actually asked a friend where people go to get their clothes!  How am I supposed to know where "normal" people shop these days?

• I went to Kohl's, and bought a couple of size 18 jeans.  I also bought a pair of XL shorts!  Understand, I started this journey at a size 30/32!  

• I began "The Year of Me:2011" at 320 pounds.  After some fluctuations (I gained weight back in the fall then lost it again) I am at 244.  That looks like 76 pounds to me (except it's really 94 pounds because of the 18 pounds I gained then re-lost!)  Still...a net loss of 76 pounds?  In one year?  I'd call that a success!

• I have had major dental work done (still more to go; waiting to afford it.)

• I have had laser hair removal in a couple of places and it was worth every penny!

• I started getting my hair highlighted and/or colored.  My hair isn't very gray, but it just adds to that "polished" feeling.

• I started wearing dresses and skirts.  I didn't wear skirts for decades.  I am back to loving them again and allowing myself the gift of celebrating my femininity.

• I started going to the gym and have been doing so faithfully.  

So I rang out 2011 with quite a list of accomplishments, and I have to admit, I'm feeling pretty darned proud!

How did I start 2012 yesterday?

Just as committed as ever!

• Yesterday I went to my first 5k.  They had options and there was a 6k route that was supposed to be prettier, so I chose that one instead.  It took 90 minutes walking at a very slow pace (thanks, son) but the fact is, I started, I did it, and I have a benchmark from which I will keep getting better until I can RUN a 5k.  

• I started a workout log.  I am going to keep track of all my workouts, how long, how much weight, how many reps, what was the point of failure, etc. so I can track PROGRESS.  I want gains, and I want to measure results.  I am also going to track cardio to make sure I push myself.

• I have a short term aggressive (but achievable) goal.  It's called "44 in 4".  I'm 244 and want to reach 200 pounds more than anything.  I haven't weighed that since the 1980's.  My goal is to reach 200 lbs. by April 30, 2012.  That's 44 pounds in 4 months, or 11 pounds per month, or 2.58 pounds per week.  I am going all out to try to reach it.

• I joined an online workout club that seems very supportive.

• I signed up for a Gold's Gym 2012 Fitness Challenge.  I bought shorts so I can go in and get a before pic in shorts and a sports bra (dear God, am I really doing that?)  And I am going to kick butt for 12 weeks.  I want to win in the 40-49 women's local category.  Hey, someone's got to win!  It will be in overall improvement (weight, shape, composition, plus an essay.)  Wish me luck. :)

2011 was the Year of Me.  And I think I did a pretty good job getting myself to "here."

2012 is going to be the year I really reach my fitness goals, achieve my goal weight, and set some other lofty goals (to be announced in the future).

The process, of setting goals, planning for them, and then remaining committed.....is an amazing feeling.  It builds something inside that no one can take away.  The sense of accomplishment and belief in my abilities is hard to describe to someone who doesn't set goals and then work so hard to achieve them.  But if you do, you'll get this:

"What you get by achieving your goals

 is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals."

 

~Zig Ziglar

Happy New Year, my friends.  Figure out what you want this year and then don't just "resolve" to achieve it.  PLAN to achieve it.  Set mini goals to achieve it.  Then get off your butt...and achieve it!   :-)

♥♥♥

December 28: Now and Then

Don't really know if you can see the difference, but on the left is a picture taken at lunch with coworkers as I celebrated my 46th birthday yesterday.  On the right is exactly one year ago, at lunch, with the same coworkers.  That day, December 28, 2010, was "the last supper", or the last time I allowed myself a free-for-all piggout for any meal.  Here's the blog post from that day:


December 28, 2010 Blog Entry

There is about an 80 pound difference between the two pictures.  And that's surely not the only difference!

I am a much more confident me.  I feel like I have so many more goals than I used to have.  I have many more things I want to accomplish or experience in life. I'm no longer one to really just sit on the sidelines and watch life.  I want to jump in there and participate whenever possible!

In a way it's made me look closer at the poor choices that got me so far away from my dreams and goals (from decades ago.)  And That's OKAY.  You can't fix what you don't acknowledge, right?

Anyway, here's another before/after.  The before was the first week of January when I was waiting to get my laser hair removal (eeks.)  The after was taken yesterday.

Sometimes, I just can't believe either is really me.

:-)