Stuck

Winnie the Pooh: [in a sticky voice] I must be going now. Goodbye, Rabbit. 
Rabbit: Well, goodbye, if you're sure you won't have any more. 
Winnie the Pooh: [turns to leave then stops] *Is* there any more? 
Rabbit: No, there isn't. 
Winnie the Pooh: I thought not. 
Winnie the Pooh: [tries to climb out the front door but is stuck] Oh, oh, help and bother! I'm stuck. 
Rabbit: Oh, dear. Oh, gracious. Oh. Well, it all comes from eating too much. 
Winnie the Pooh: It all comes from not having front doors big enough! 


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I went to the gym today for my monthly weigh-in and measurements. I am the exact same weight I was one month ago.  My waist measurement is somehow up .5" (one half inch.)  My hips are down .5" (one half inch) but everything else is basically the same.

A tiny part of me feels like throwing in the the towel and gorging myself on every wretched thing imaginable.  That's the emotional and shame-based part of me.  Fortunately, the thinking/knowing/reasoning part of me knows I would suffer from that kind of choice miserably and it would accomplish nothing.  It would take me further from my goals. It's not an option.

So where do I go from here?  I examine what I am doing or not doing and make adjustments.  

For starters, I somehow slowed way down on my treadmill activity at home. (to like once a week, twice tops - and for 20 to 30 minutes instead of 30 to 45.  Big differences, really.)  I also stopped recording my workouts.  I don't even know when I stopped.  It wasn't deliberate, it just kind of fell away.  Recording works for me.  I can see what I'm doing and track my progress (or lack thereof).  To me,  accountability is a big problem.

My trainer also told me that the elliptical I have been using for a few months is probably doing me a disservice.  It's working my hips and legs, but I'm not burning the kind of fat I could be burning by doing intervals on the treadmill.  Okay...treadmill it shall be for a while.

I am so thankful I haven't had any net gains since last month.  Because I haven't been paying close attention to the details, they got away from me.  Well, back to business.  I don't have to do everything perfectly, but I DO have to actually DO everything!  (Eat well, exercise, get on the scale, record my progress, etc.) 

I don't feel too badly right now (though I felt so upset this morning.) I have had a lot going on in my physical and emotional worlds and managed to not gain weight this month.  I'll take that.  But I can do better, and so better I shall do.  I only have one more month with the trainer and by golly, I'm going to go out with a bang.

Milestones: What's Next?

Real Sign Post Near My Folks in Maine

It's been a while since I posted.  There's been a lot going on in my world keeping me hella busy.

For starters, I interviewed for a job in Tennessee, was made an offer and have accepted this position.  So I'm in the process of organizing, packing, putting a house on the market, changing my son's school, moving, and starting a new job in a new state.  It sounds pretty big when I type it all out and look at it, so I try not to really think about the totality of it and just keep it simple, like for today I am purging clothes I don't want and purging anything in the bathroom I don't want to move with me.  I absolutely refuse to move junk, or unwanted items, or anything that I don't absolutely need or love.

So to the topic of Milestones, ABBA singer Agnetha Faltskog (after already being hugely successful in ABBA) once said, “My path has not been determined. I shall have more experiences and pass many more milestones.”   I love it!  As successful as she was, she knew she hadn't arrived at some destination.  She was still moving along on the journey.

Reading that quote got me looking at my own life and journey. I'm chuckling to myself.  I have really had some pretty cool milestones and although I have made some rather enormous mistakes from time to time, I've also enjoyed some successes along a road less traveled.  Life has presented unexpected and amazing opportunities and I have jumped on them because...well, why not?  You only live once!

I guess my point is that when I consider milestones they are helpful in setting goals and priorities, and in guiding me along my path forward.  Once I hit one, and it is behind me, the milestone isn't really all that important anymore.  I'd say having my son was a big milestone.  THE big milestone.  Other than that, everything else was just another stepping stone to get me this far, and there will be a lot more stepping stones going forward.

Same is true with the weight loss.  Milestones are really goals: I am almost at 100 pounds lost, then I am going to reach the "I weigh under 200 pounds" mark, then.....who knows?  But once I reach the goal and pass by it, it's not so important.

We live life enjoying the moments, not the milestones.  Eating an apple today instead of an ice cream is a successful moment that I can experience.  Feeling someone so much closer during a hug because there is so much less fat there is a moment I can truly enjoy.  I want to keep making choices that bring me to places where I enjoy more moments.  That I am passing cool mile-markers along the way is just an added bonus....they are certainly not the destination.  I can hardly wait to see where I'm going next.....

90 Pounds Down!

Once upon a time in a land far, far away......

Wait a minute.  This is no fairy tale and I'm no Cinderella.  There was no wicked stepmother and no mean stepsisters.  No pumpkin, no carriage, no mice, no horses and no glass slippers.

But there was a woman who decided that enough life had passed her by....enough pain had coursed through her veins.....and she'd had enough of putting her dreams on hold....hoping that "someday" she'd become the person she wanted to be.

That was me on November 1, 2009, when I smoked my last cigarette and decided it was time to let go of the crutches and start walking on my own.  It was the hardest thing I had ever done and I gained 40 pounds in one year after quitting.  I learned through that experience that I was capable of anything I set my mind to do, and in December of 2010, I decided the next thing to tackle would be my lifelong battle with weight.

It's taken 15 months so far, but I have now lost 90 pounds.  From August until the end of November I actually gained 20 pounds back, so I have technically lost 110 pounds in these 15 months.  Holy cow.  I am amazed and excited.

I have still a long way to go.  I started this journey at 320 pounds.  I am at 230.  I don't even know what my ultimate weight will be.  I'm moving into completely unknown territory.  Once when I was 19 I weighed 165 and went down to a size 12.  That lasted about 3 weeks and I climbed back to 185 and held steady there for 3 years without too much trouble.  I am keeping 180 as my possible goal, so that's still 50 pounds to go.  

For most of you, 50 pounds would seem so daunting.  It might have felt that way to me, too, but after tackling 90 pounds already, I feel very confident that this is truly my new way of life (eating healthy and working out) and I will get there.  I am not in a race.  I am not competing with anyone.  I am just living life and enjoying the process.

My life has taken many twists and turns, and there are still many more surprises ahead of me.  But I'm pausing this weekend and celebrating my milestone.  By the end of April I will have lost 100 pounds.  Wow.  

You know, the time is going to pass whether you make positive changes or not.  Don't find yourself a year from now regretting that you didn't get started.  There's nothing like the feeling of knowing you are caring for yourself in a way that shows self respect and self love.  It changes everything.  :-)