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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Fear THIS!

I had a little binge yesterday.  Two turkey sandwiches on whole grain wheat, followed by two skinny cow ice creams.  That was a lot more food than I ever eat at once and it was also done kind of frantically.  Like, what else can I shove in my mouth now?

I went into a dull carb coma after eating it all and went to bed fairly early.  I didn't think about it until this morning as I was getting on the scale.  The scale's fine.  But I have to figure out what the heck happened before I repeat it.  Something was at the root of it.

Here are some guesses, and I think they involve "FEAR."

  1. I am traveling soon and so I tried on my bathing suits last night.  Uh, the old ones literally slid off me, so they are not options.  I had purchased a new suit size 18/20 months ago (when I had just started) as a goal for August.  For the heck of it, I tried it on.  IT FIT!  But instead of feeling great about it, I felt panicky and really exposed somehow.  For YEARS my suits have had those little skirts.  You know the ones that hang down covering the "ROLL"?  Well this suit is just a suit.  No protective skirt.  I don't know.  It's unsettling as much as it is exciting.
  2. I am traveling soon and meeting a bunch of new people.  That's exciting!!!!  And also....well, it comes with a slight fear of....rejection?  Fear of....not being "there" yet.  I wanted to be "normal" before all my summer travels this year and it's just not going to happen.  I won't be at my goal weight until maybe March of next year and clearly, even then, there will be saggy floppy skin spots that no amount of exercise or dieting can eliminate.  That's....upsetting.  I'd love to meet folks and not have to hide my flappy arms or gut.  Gack.
  3. I can feel changes happening in my life...I am more organized.  I am keeping a much prettier house.  I am tending to my outside gardens daily and really enjoying it.  I am wearing a bit 'o makeup and dressing prettier (khakis and polo shirts were my business casual attire almost daily last year.)  I am becoming from the inside out the kind of person I really want to be.  That is a little scary.
  4. I am attracting male attention.  I've even caught a man or two doing either a double take or one of those top to bottom looks and I'm still freaking obese!  THAT is a little scary.  I am pretty sure I'm going to be getting more attention like that the more weight I lose. I don't really know how to handle that attention.  Any time I have lost weight in the past I have either latched on to the first guy or two I dated, or gained the weight right back.  I don't really trust myself to know what to do in this new territory!
So I guess I had a moment of recidivism.  Turning back to what USED to work (burying feelings and/or hiding in food.)  

Well, I don't want to DO that anymore.  So a hail mary, an extra 20 minutes on the treadmill, and a forward march is in order.

I've decided the fear of the known, (the obesity, the overeating to cope, the hiding, the shame) is MUCH greater now than the fear of the UNknown (what AM I walking into????)  So I'm making a conscious decision that next time I feel overwhelmed with feelings/fears/vulnerabilities I will either hop on the treadmill while thinking it through, or come write about it.  Food is NOT the answer.  This I know.

Fear?  CAN TAKE A HIKE!!!!

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