Friday, February 10, 2012
I'm definitely a walking contradiction. So I wonder why that is, where it comes from, and if it's something I need to change. I spent a while navel gazing on this one (you know, staring at my navel, maybe picking out a little fluff, while deep in thought) and arrived at the undeniable truth. It's okay. It really is.
I long for, and crave, close hugs and physical touch and can also occasionally find myself recoiling from touch, even the hugs from my son.
I believe that God made the universe. And I believe in evolution. (Don't ask, but it makes perfect sense to me.)
I believe in predestination, and I believe 100% that you are responsible for your own choices and journey.
Sometimes I will run away from you, but when you turn to go I'll grab your hand and hold on.
I'm fiercely independent and self sufficient and incredibly needy.
I can simultaneously manage a highly technical career and taking classes/getting certifications/going back to college, be a homeowner and a landlord, be a mother to a wonderful, active child and all that entails, and be a friend to many people who I connect with, but I become paralyzed when faced with piles of laundry, a washer, a dryer, an iron and a closet.
I can crank up the contemporary christian music on the car radio to sing out loud and as soon as someone cuts me off I stop singing, call him a %$*^&%!!!! and then resume the song. (ouch.)
I want so much to be around people, laugh, share, talk, just "be" and yet I isolate, by choice, most of the time.
And I believe with all my heart that people come in to my world for a reason, a season, or a lifetime (and I'm totally okay with that) and yet I am so reluctant to let the non-lifetime ones go.
I don't think flushing out the root of my walking contradictions is even important. I think what's important is that I embrace them as all part of who I am, and that it's okay, and that if I say something I believe with all my heart today, then change my mind tomorrow, that's okay, too.
My life has been called the "Carly Coaster." I used to try to make it stop, and stay within the confines of the "right track" so I wouldn't get hurt Now I just invest in better airbags and in really good, non judgmental friends who ocassionally set me back on the tracks after I derail. :-)
Posted by CarlyWeb