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Friday, February 10, 2012


I've been thinking about being human, and how part of that human experience is realizing life is filled with contradictions.

I'm definitely a walking contradiction.  So I wonder why that is, where it comes from, and if it's something I need to change.  I spent a while navel gazing on this one (you know, staring at my navel, maybe picking out a little fluff, while deep in thought) and arrived at the undeniable truth.  It's okay.  It really is.

I long for, and crave, close hugs and physical touch and can also occasionally find myself recoiling from touch, even the hugs from my son.

I believe that God made the universe.  And I believe in evolution.  (Don't ask, but it makes perfect sense to me.)

I believe in predestination, and I believe 100% that you are responsible for your own choices and journey.

Sometimes I will run away from you, but when you turn to go I'll grab your hand and hold on.

I'm fiercely independent and self sufficient and incredibly needy.

I can simultaneously manage a highly technical career and taking classes/getting certifications/going back to college, be a homeowner and a landlord, be a mother to a wonderful, active child and all that entails, and be a friend to many people who I connect with, but I become paralyzed when faced with piles of laundry, a washer, a dryer, an iron and a closet.

I can crank up the contemporary christian music on the car radio to sing out loud and as soon as someone cuts me off I stop singing, call him a %$*^&%!!!!  and then resume the song.  (ouch.)

I want so much to be around people, laugh, share, talk, just "be" and yet I isolate, by choice, most of the time.

And I believe with all my heart that people come in to my world for a reason, a season, or a lifetime (and I'm totally okay with that) and yet I am so reluctant to let the non-lifetime ones go.

I don't think flushing out the root of my walking contradictions is even important.  I think what's important is that I embrace them as all part of who I am, and that it's okay, and that if I say something I believe with all my heart today, then change my mind tomorrow, that's okay, too.

My life has been called the "Carly Coaster."  I used to try to make it stop, and stay within the confines of the "right track" so I wouldn't get hurt  Now I just invest in better airbags and in really good, non judgmental friends who ocassionally set me back on the tracks after I derail.  :-)


  1. love this, honest and so spot on.

  2. Annie, I think there comes a time...maybe it's age? Maybe it's enough experiences behind us....when we realize, this might be as good as it gets...maybe...I'm just okay the way I am. :-) It's a great place to land...and I think that's another blog topic....

  3. It took me a minute to find a copy, and if you give me some more time, I'll find the author and give due credit....but one of the old "Box'ers" wrote this....and I thought it was amazing enough to save it.

    I'm glad I did. Kinda like what you said, only different:

    I Am Me

    I am complicated... but simple
    I am stubborn... but willing to change
    I am high maintenance... but easy to please
    I am a singer... but I love to dance

    I am a writer... but I read
    I am a performer... but I stay in the background
    I am the center of attention... but looking in
    I dominate... but want to be dominated

    I am aggressive... but shy
    I am passionate... but apathetic
    I am young... but have an old soul
    I am a listener... but don't always hear

    I am brave... but scared
    I am thoughtful... but I forget
    I feel... but I'm indifferent
    I am rough... but gentle

    I know... but I have questions
    I love... but I hate
    I am together... but in pieces
    I am found... but lost

    I have... but always want
    I am here... but over there
    I am curious... but I don't ask
    I am sweet.. but sour

    I experiment... but I'm a prude
    I dream... but I don't wake up
    I drive... but I ride
    I explore... but don't leave

    I laugh... but I cry
    I am excited... but bored
    I am truthful... but I lie
    I don't like you but... I will lead you on

    I want... but I don't care
    I get drunk... but I don't drink
    I create... but I don't imagine
    I wish... but I don't do

    I am helpful... but need help
    I walk... but I don't run
    I say goodbye.... but never leave
    I am grounded... but I float

    I am beautiful... but ugly
    I am aroused... but turned off
    I am seen... but am invisible
    I am in love... but cannot love

    I am touched... but do not feel
    I intimidate... but I'm intimidated
    I am pure... but stained
    I am willing... but not ready

    I give up... but never surrender
    I am quiet... but loud
    I am a winner... but always lose
    I am yours... but always mine

    I am controlled... but I lose control
    I am free... but always chained
    I am alone... but crowded
    I am a fantasy... but not a reality

    I am a mother... but also a child
    I am a friend... but also a lover
    I am a wife... but also a woman
    I may be an anomaly...

    ...but I am Me.

  4. This made me smile Carly... I believe you are a WOMAN! And we are full of contradictions and that is makes us PERFECTLY okay. =)



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