As I grow closer to my goal there are so many freaking changes going on it's sometimes overwhelming.
One change is the extra attention I seem to be attracting from the opposite sex. All of a sudden I have apparently become interesting at work as men who have been in the building for years are now stopping me in the hall to say hello, or chatting with me as I get coffee (where the same guy hasn't spoken to me ever that I can recall.) Funny how when your body improves, so does some people's perception of your intelligence, character and worth. Hmmmmmm.
This is a big stumbling point for me, or I should say, had been in the past. Getting attention in this way is not something I know intuitively how to navigate.
It's like giving a 12 year old the keys to a car and saying "go out there and drive on the highway." He has no idea how to drive it, and would likely totally lose control the moment he started going too fast.
Well, welcome to my navigation of the opposite sex. I have no idea how to drive this newly developing "me" and in the past, when I got to this point, drove right off the road into a ditch. Getting out of that ditch took years!
Words like "you are beautiful" are like an intoxicating drug. I haven't felt beautiful most of my life. I remember a relative telling me repeatedly when I was young "you would be so pretty if only you would lose weight." My self perception was truly horrible most of the time. And I guess I created my reality based on those misperceptions.
I'm realizing that when I get certain kinds of attention, it reaches a place inside of me that has been deadened for many years - a place I turned off for self protection. But I MUST navigate this correctly this time. I'm not willing to get caught up in another relational nightmare. I'm just not. So in order to keep myself grounded, I think, I need to stay firmly focused on who I am, and what I want, and not let the attention shadow me (to a point where I get lost underneath it.) No freaking way.
So who am I?
- I am a christian.
- I am a comedian.
- I am a dork.
- I am awkward at receiving attention.
- I still am afraid of bullies.
- I can shoot first, ask questions later.
- I am sensitive.
- I am smart.
- I am strong.
- I am weak.
- I am a lover first, but will fight to protect my own.
- I am not naive but sometimes wish I still was.
- I am vulnerable.
- I am flawed, but believe in the power of grace and mercy.
- I am forgivable.
- I am lovable.
- I am a lot more but don't want to reveal everything out on a blog. :-)
And what do I want?
- To be loved for who I am, not "in spite of my defects."
- To be respected.
- To be valued.
- And of course, lots more, but those are integral.
I can't lose myself in this "unveiling" process. I am going to work through this next phase as hard emotionally as I do physically. I. Will. Not. Derail. I won't. For the first time in my life, I'm going to come out on the other side physically fit/attractive AND with a strong, healthy sense of self. And though I am becoming receptive to attention, I'm going to allow my brain room at the romantic table along with the rest of me. I'm going to reason, and judge, discern and apply all I have learned. I will not make the same mistakes again.
I am Carly, and I approve this message. <----that's who I am. ♥