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Thursday, December 30, 2010

On Depression

So I've been all "YAY" and "WOOHOO" and "GONNA KICK BUTT" since I started the blog December21st.  But I'm really crashing today - hard.

As much as the adrenaline from a goal can keep me moving and energized, it all falls apart quickly if I don't take care of myself in a balanced way.

I suffer from depression and have since childhood, I'm now quite certain.  Depression has been a life partner,  I have tried lots of ways to keep the depression at bay.  St. Johns Wort over the counter helped for a while, as did zoloft (better living through chemistry!).  I went without for a few years and then depression crept back in to unsurmountable (by myself) levels and I was put on cymbalta.  That worked for a while, too.

I was not on any antidepressants when I stopped smoking (not a good move; had I known that nicotine itself can act as an antidepressant I would have gotten on something prior to quitting) and plummeted into a deep depression.  Wellbutrin became the latest answer.

But what I'm finding (and have really always known) is that an antidepressant alone is not enough.  If your situation is depressing, you are going to feel depressed whether you are a chronic sufferer from depression or an otherwise healthy, happy person.  Someone like me needs to keep a watchful eye out for warning signs that depression is slipping back in and then, and this is the critical part, take swift action against it.

Over the past couple of weeks I have felt depression sliding back in.  I have felt the world rushing in from several different angles and I'm not responding all that well to it.  I have made plenty of mediocre decisions and a few really bad ones.  Things I really wouldn't call my "next right choices" at any rate.  For instance, I have been staying up too late.  Being overly tired is a fast track, for me, to increased depression.  I have been eating a lot more refined carbs and barely any greens.  Hello? McFly?  This is like injecting depression right into my veins!

There is plenty of 'real life' basis for situational depression in my life right now (won't go into all that until we get to know each other better), but even with that, it is my responsibility to do what I know to do to reduce the depression to a manageable level.

So.  Action steps:

I'm not sure I can commit to much more than that today.  It's been a rough two days, really.

And sometimes, the best we can give is the promise to get up again tomorrow and try all over again.  Here's also a video from a Christian angle on what it feels like today.  I think part of my answer can be found in the video.  :)


  1. Hang in there! I'll stuff down some leafy greens today, you've inspired me.
    It sounds like you're looking to see what you can do to stop depression and take control, bravo!

  2. Well, ha. I have slowed depression over the years, and paused it, and done some things, but there's certainly more I can do.

    The problem, you see, is that when you are depressed it's darned near impossible to actually see your way to doing the action you need to help yourself. Because you're depressed. Not doing them makes you more depressed. Which makes you feel less like doing them. It's a pretty lousy self perpetuating circle.

    YOu can't think your way out of depression and most of the time you can't even "action" your way out. If there's a chemical imbalance then the balance needs to be restored. From that standpoint, my action items might help.

    Gotta tell ya, it's a rip snorting riot to be me sometimes. :-)


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