Where did time go?
How did I get here?
Is "here" where I want to be?
Have I been living MY life up until now? Or someone else's?
Is this where I thought life would take me?
If not, what can be done about that?
As I sit here and contemplate the universe and how I fit into it all, I am bombarded with these questions and more. This isn't the first time these questions have come up. But there is an urgency now like never before.
I have mentioned before (but not discussed) that I lived through two abusive marriages. In both cases, I deferred the majority of my wants and needs in favor of keeping the peace, in favor of getting through another day with the least amount of conflict possible.
That translated into burying many of my dreams.
I once owned a business. A very successful one, at that. Unfortunately, I was forced to choose between my entrepreneurial dreams and saving my marriage as he was jealous rather than supportive. I chose the marriage, only to escape it two years later.
I got a job teaching at the local community college and was able to take courses for free. I had dreams of getting a college degree. I enrolled immediately. Unfortunately, my trying to better myself created conflict at home. My then-husband made things incredibly difficult. The only place I could study was to take my things and go to the local diner and sit in a booth working on my homework. Very hard to do with two children at home. He would not shuffle his schedule one bit to provide me study time. And what time I stole for studying was rubbed in my face like I somehow "owed" him for it (and he surely made me pay up.) I ended up packing in the whole idea because it created too much stress and made life unbearable.
So I could look at it all and conclude that I was "stuck" living out someone else's life for years while my own dreams kind of faded away. While that's partly true, I cannot deny that those were my CHOICES, too. I chose to be married. I chose to let my world get smaller and smaller until I was living in a little box.
Well, I left all that behind me in 2005 and have been making many, many new choices since then. Before I "escaped" my marriage, I truly clung to the Shawshank Redemption quote when Andy Defresne said it was time to get busy living, or get busy dying. I chose to get busy living.
From that moment forward, I made the decision to start living life MY WAY. My Life. My Way. Not perfectly. Just....making deliberate choices that brought me back into the forefront of my own story.
When we make choices, they either bring us closer to who we are, to who we were born to be (toward who, I believe, God made us to be), or further away. Well, I choose to move toward that light nowadays. I wish I knew years ago what I know now: That there is nothing on this earth to feel shame about. It's an artificial state of being. It is an imaginary place. It exists only in our minds. Shame is that big lie that says we are not good enough. That who we are is irreparably flawed. Well, that's bull. I am good. I am good enough to merit living out my dreams, just like you, just like anybody!
I deserve to live a happy life. I love that saying that we can't go back and create a new start, but we can always start now to make our happy ending. Damn straight! I can't go back and be a popular high school girl. I can't go back and go to college right after high school. I can't go back and undo a bad marriage. But I surely can make choices today that are in line with who I am and where I want to be. (Wisteria Lane anyone? teehee)
I won't allow myself to detour any more from my goals and dreams. When I die, I want those who knew me to say I lived authentically, true to who I am. I want folks to say I did it My Way.