Biggest Loser Kickoff with Antone Davis Season 12

Bonus Blog post today!

I just came back from the Biggest Loser kickoff event at work. The speaker was Antone Davis. Antone was the runner up of The Biggest Loser Season 12, but long before that he was first round draft pick for the NFL Philadelphia Eagles and a University of Tennessee Volunteer.

He is a really good speaker.  Very funny and his story is compelling.  After being a successful pro football player he gained a tremendous amount of weight for various reasons.  He knew he needed help turning it around, and through what he feels is Divine intervention, he received an invitation to submit information for consideration in The Biggest Loser.

I don't wish to retell his personal story and personal insights.  Who knows, maybe he'll write a book to help others one day!  But what I do want to share is a few tips and tricks about his fitness journey with Biggest Loser that I found particularly helpful.

1. They worked out for hours each day.  Like 3 hours of intensive regular workouts (weights etc.) and another 5 hours of treadmill, eliptical etc.  YIKES!
2. They burned 8,000 calories per day and ate around 1600 calories, all under doctor's strict supervision.  Women burned 6,000.  I didn't even know that was humanly possible!
3. They didn't eat past 8:00 p.m.
4. Dinner, under Bob's rules, was "Lean and Green."  Plain protein of some sort with a green vegetable.  That's it.
5. They did not have fancy professional chefs.  Their shoppers went to a regular Trader Joe's or some other such store and grabbed basic organic proteins, fruits and veggies.
6. Most of their carbs were the fruits and veggies.
7. Pretty much what you see on the TV Show is real.  It's all business, all the time.
8. WRITE IT DOWN.  The most successful people track every single bite, every single calorie that goes into their system, right down to the 10 calorie calcium supplement.  It's all basic math - calories burned, calories consumed.
9. He used a bodybugg device (arm strap thing?) to keep track of his calories burned each day.  I'm going to look into this and blog about it in the future.
10. Finally, he tossed out a little riddle that works perfectly with this morning's blog post:

"3 frogs are sitting on a log and two decide to jump off.  How many are left?"  The answer is 3.  The two DECIDED to jump off, but didn't bother actually doing it.  In other words, don't just THINK about or PLAN to do something.  DO IT!
 

His whole message was right on time!  Thanks, Antone!

Carly

Think. Then Do

My great uncle Bob Bremer was one of the first to train with Bruce Lee!

I am a thinker. I analyze and then over analyze most everything.  I can revisit the same topic 15 times over in my head while trying to get to the planning stage and then never actually get to the planning stage. (When I do move past the thinking stage I sometimes skip over the planning stage and eventually just do the thing without a good plan, but that's another blog day.)

It doesn't matter what the obstacle or goal is: Thinking alone does not solve the problem. In every situation, problems are solved and goals are met by getting up off my butt and taking some sort of action.

Let's take a peek into Carly's thought process, shall we?

I think about how to add exercise in to my schedule  I analyze if it's better first thing in the morning, or last thing at night. I consider if I should go for small walks to start, or if it might be better to join a gym. Maybe it would be best to kick start things with a personal trainer. That really worked for me in the past. Then again, I do have a small fitness center right in my community. The treadmill each day would make a big difference in my weight loss, and in managing my mood, and in my overall health. Yes, yes, that would be very good.

All those thoughts can circulate in my brain (round robin) for weeks without actually doing anything (and they do.)

You can't plow a field simply by turning it over in your mind.” 
― Gordon B. Hinckley

Right.

Think.  Then do.

I hereby commit to the entire Internet (because, you know, the entire Internet reads this blog) to get up off my derriere tomorrow and get on that treadmill.  No matter what.  Anyone else want to take their exercise regimen out of their brains and into action? Come join me!

We can't THINK away the pounds!

Carly

Delayed Gratification

I like everything right now.  Fast food, quick oats, instant downloads.  

I am a product of this technological world coupled with a little bit of unhealthy entitlement. I had several pretty rotten things happen to me in the past. I dug my way out, moved on, moved up, and for years now it seems I want what I want - when I want it. And when I want it is right now and I feel entitled to it. 

This is a pattern that has played out a time or two in my life and I figure 2013 is as good a time as any to really address it.  I just turned 47.  Maybe it's time to tackle this last leg of growing up? I think so. 

Typically people keep doing what they do until it no longer works for them. Instant Gratification is no longer working for me. What I think I want now keeps derailing what I truly want long term.  

Examples:

• This cheesecake vs. an apple (long term derailment:  weight loss)
• Surfing the Internet an extra hour vs. hitting the treadmill (long term derailment: fitness and enjoying my life)
• This must-have QVC special vs. self control (long term derailment: financial strength and security as well as money for traveling in retirement)

When I quit smoking, the hardest part was feeling a craving to go smoke immediately and just sitting with that feeling and not acting on it. Up until that point, when anything happened in my life (happiness sadness, boredom, procrastination, success, etc.) my instant reaction was to light up a cigarette.  It gave me a sense of instant control and could instantly calm, numb, or distract me.  But long term, smoking was killing me.

I learned during that process that sitting with feelings, however, won't kill me.  They are just feelings.  They do not require action and it's okay to feel them without doing anything. There is a window of time between feeling a feeling, or something happening, and how I choose to respond.  And it doesn't have to be instant.  I get to make that judgment. I can feel a feeling and respond later.  Or not respond at all!

That wonderful insight that I learned and applied to quitting smoking doesn't amount to anything, though, since I am no longer applying it.  Steven Covey writes “...to learn and not to do is really not to learn. To know and not to do is really not to know.” ― Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change.  

So now what?  Well, you can't fix what you don't acknowledge and I acknowledge that my quest for instant gratification (what I want now while sabotaging what I really want later) is the single biggest barrier to achieving all I can achieve in this lifetime.  So I'm calling it out.  Then what?

Covey also writes about success: "The key is taking responsibility and initiative, deciding what your life is about and prioritizing your life around the most important things." I believe if I make clear, unambiguous goals, write them down, and look at them often, then as I am making those "next right choices" throughout the day they will more easily fall in line with those long term goals.  

By not setting clear goals, my choices only FEEL right in the moment because they are meeting an instant need or desire.  By setting clear goals and keeping them in the forefront, my choices will BE right because they are in line with what I truly want, regardless of how I am feeling in the moment.

I think I get it.  I am going to spend some time working this one into a plan because like he said, learning and knowing is useless without implementation.

Carly

Track It!

My life has been a twisted experiment in gaining and losing weight. I have done both of them fanatically over the span of nearly 4 decades, so I know a little about the process for people like me. (Whatever that means!)

Some of us are afflicted with a form of sugar amnesia or selective carb coma syndrome that affects the part of our brain that regulates food portions. When I am off on a bender (you know, when you fall off the wagon completely and eat anything you want without even a passing thought of consequences) I lose all memory of what I ate 30 minutes ago, 3 hours ago, or the quantities.  

 

Ripping off a chunk of bread at Macaroni Grill and eating it doesn't imprint into my memory at all, and 5 minutes later I'm ripping off another chunk to dunk in the olive oil, forgetting I already ate a huge portion. I may recall eating a bowl of cereal.  I may not recall that the bowl was a Kitchen Aid mixing bowl.  

Once I stop weighing, measuring and tracking I lose all concept of what I am actually eating. Once I stop tracking, it's very easy, even if I am "dieting," to miss things or forget what I actually consumed that day and then eat much more than I realize.

According to one study by Kaiser Permanente in 2008, keeping a food diary helped people lose twice a much as people following the same overall food plan but who didn't write it down.(1) I know beyond any doubt that I am the kind of person who requires accountability in order to stay focused, on track, and honest with myself.

Over the years I have tracked in several ways:  writing in a daily journal, posting on an online forum, using the Weight Watchers online tool, Spark People, and currently I am using My Fitness Pal. It is free, offers a little social networking to keep track with friends, and has a handy mobile app to keep track no matter where I am. (Feel free to find me - my name there is CarlyWeb.)

The best success I have ever had with weight loss and maintenance was when I continued to track all the food that went into my mouth. If you have never tried it, experiment and you'll find it may help motivate you to stay on track and refocus your food choices day by day.

And don't try to cheat and not write it ALL down.....you may be able to deceive the mind, but the body KNOWS!

Carly

1. (Kaiser Permanente (2008, July 8). Keeping A Food Diary Doubles Diet Weight Loss, Study Suggests. ScienceDaily. Retrieved January 13,)

Eating an Elephant

Have you ever heard this?

Question:  "How do you eat an elephant?"

Answer:  "One bite at a time."

I have heard it, and subscribe to it....in part.  If the "elephant" represents one goal (say losing weight) and we break it down to it's simplest parts, then working out today is one bite of the elephant, drinking water is another, eating a healthy lunch is yet another, and before you know it, we have lost weight.  It seems so simple when broken down into little next right choices like that, right?.

But that oversimplification can create great stress and feelings of inadequacy or inferiority in some people.  They may ask themselves - if it's that easy, why can't I do it?

The problem is that for many of us it's not as simple as just eating a healthy bite of food or just getting up and going for a walk.  There's a whole complex series of obstacles to wade through to get there and a laundry list of human components that must be navigated to get to that seemingly simple series of steps.

We may be dealing with feelings of inferiority (I'm not good enough), insecurity (what if I fail?), disorganization (Where are my workout clothes? Or where did I put that treadmill?), misinformation (What? You mean a nutella sandwich isn't healthy? I thought nuts were good for you!), difficulty with physically performing basic tasks (like tying our shoes), depression, stress, time management issues, lack of support and many other impediments to getting up and getting going.  For some of us, any one of these can be almost paralyzing, and for the truly lucky among us, we may experience several of them all at once.

So then, how DO we eat that freaking elephant?  Well, one bite at a time.  But I suggest cutting it up into big chunks first and taking a bite at a time from different chunks until they become manageable.  I could write a whole book about this (in fact, I think I will.)  You don't have to fix everything all at once, but you do have to do a little something from each area, purposefully.

For example, let's say the following three things are holding you back:  Housekeeping, Eating Poorly, and Depression.  Develop a small plan to start tackling them.

For housekeeping, grab a trash bag and walk around your house and throw away anything that is trash or not worth holding on to.  This will create a visual space that looks more organized.  Or clean your kitchen sink.  My mother always told me if you do nothing else, if you clean your sink the house looks so much better.  I think that's true. (Try the Fly Lady for great help in this area.)

To help learn new diet habits, add one healthy item to each meal.  If you are going to eat a Big Mac, go ahead.  But add a plain garden salad, too.  Or get the extra crispy fried chicken, but make yourself eat an apple with it.  Get your body acquainted with chewing, tasting and experiencing the healthy stuff you may have been avoiding.

For depression, consider if you are managing it okay.  Do you need medication? Is it working? How about St. John's Wort or SamE?  Have you tried reducing the amount of white carbs you eat (flour, sugar?)  Or go sit outside for 15 minutes in the sunlight.  Maybe a hot bath, or get out of the house and force yourself to get a pedicure.  (I'm going to write a whole chapter on the pediCURE.)

One small bite from each "chunk" actually helps ease the other areas.  A cleaner house will help depression.  Eating healthier will give you more energy to tackle cleaning the house and help depression.  Managing depression will make it easier to eat better and maintain a more organized house. And I understand how getting all of these under control makes it mentally easier to add another activity, like exercise, to the mix.

I have my own issues I deal with on a regular basis.  Housekeeping, organization, food addiction, burnout, stress, parenting, etc.  A decade ago I was a train wreck with most of this stuff.  I have learned a lot and swallow my share of the elephant every week.  And I do it one bite at a time.

Carly

Important Health Tips

Some people learn by the school of hard knocks, while other (more fortunate) people learn by following good, sage advice.  Today's blog posting will provide you neither.  :-D

What follows is a grouping of  diet, exercise and overall wellness tips I have learned over the past couple of years and feel compelled to share with you.  Trust me, you will thank me one day.


10 Health Tips by Carly

1. Do not eat gobs of sauerkraut for dinner and then finish off the leftovers for lunch the next day when working with lots of people when you have a required afternoon meeting to attend.  Whether it's you or your coworkers, someone's going to end up very uncomfortable at that meeting.
2. Do not wear your "skinny" workout clothes because you don't want to admit you have gained weight and need a bigger size. Forget "muffin tops." When you do a deep lunge and blow out a seam it looks and feels just like opening a whole can of Pillsbury biscuits.
3. Muscle shirts at the gym are for muscles, not batwings. (I kid, I kid.  No, really...T-shirts ARE better. If you doubt me, watch yourself carefully in the mirror while jumping rope.)
4. Do not overdo the water before working out. A half gallon is too much. The sloshing can throw you off balance and you don't want to leave dribbles when you do your squats.
5. While a healthy kiss of sunshine and resulting glow (slight tan) looks wonderful and makes you look healthier, please do not try to get this look from a bottle unless you don't mind walking around looking like an Oompa Loompa or like you just rolled around in a pile of Doritos. (Got pics to back me up on this one.)

6. No one, ever, in exercise equipment history, has become fit and reached their goal weight by reading their Kindle or a trashy novel while sitting on their derriere on a recumbent bike.  Ever.
7. A friend posted this one to my wall on Facebook last year: "If you still look cute at the end of your workout you didn't train hard enough."
8. There are absolutely no calories on someone else's plate.  Whatever your kids are eating (or spouse, or friend) is THEIRS.  Keep your eyes on your own plate. Watching what you eat isn't that terribly hard.  Watching what everyone else eats is hard!
9. Try to exercise as soon as you get up in the morning, before coffee and before your brain figures out what you're actually doing.
10. There is no magic diet, no magic exercise, no magic gym, no magic DVD and no magic pill.  Eat better, move more, and don't wait for some deep, inspirational motivation to strike.  You don't need to feel motivated or inspired.  You just need to get off your ass. 

I'm going to take those last two sentences and tape them to my monitor.  Sometimes the teacher learns as she writes.

Carly (P.S., if you like my blog, please share it liberally on facebook, twitter, other blogs, forums, etc.)

What Does Forward Look Like?

Some things are inevitable, like Time. Whether we like it or not, time is going to march on forward and take us with it.

Dreaming about, setting, working toward and reaching goals, however, can come to a screeching halt where there is no forward motion whatsoever. Maybe you are in a place where you don't even dare to envision a future goal. Maybe you're depressed and can't fathom crawling out of the hole. Maybe life has knocked you over and you are sitting down and regrouping. Or maybe you are afraid to even try. You have set goals before and then not met them and thought it was a failure. Here's a truth:

"Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward." ~Victor Kiam

You got up. You tried. You learned something you didn't know in the process. You learned what didn't work that time. So choose differently next time. That's all. That was yesterday. It's gone. You get to choose - right now, this minute, this day - how you want to proceed.

And if you get back up, and take a step or two, and fall flat on your face again, that's okay! You're still a few steps ahead of where you were yesterday.

People have asked how I got where I am today (strong woman, single working mother, career woman, branching out on my own hundreds of miles from where I grew up, and overcoming a whole lot of obstacles along the way.) And it's really quite simple. I got back up. That's all. No magic formula, really. Life knocked me down and I refused to let it keep me down. I took the time to lick my wounds, got back up and tried again.

So what does my personal "forward" look like?

You can see there have been what look like a lot of "backwards" in there. But that's just part of the process. That's the regrouping. That's the backing up to get a running start. No matter where you are today, square your shoulders back and let go of whatever happened yesterday. You get to choose to move forward anyway.

Believe me, I have had my own setbacks recently....but time is going to march forward whether we choose to take one step closer to who we want to be, or not. Why not move forward purposefully, one positive step at a time?

Biggest Loser

I am now officially a member of a team of geeks at work who joined the work-sponsored Biggest Loser competition. We have 7,000+ employees so there will be LOTS of teams. Weigh in was yesterday and their scale was pretty much on par with my home scale. Nothing shocking there.

Next week the event kicks off with a rally and a guest speaker. It will be Antone from the 12th season of The Biggest Loser.

The official "weigh out" will take place April 15th, two weeks after I get back from a cruise. Maybe that will help me stay on track during the cruise, or maybe it will motivate me to work out extra hard while on board.

There are some ups and downs to joining in on something like this. 

The ups:

• Accountability
• Talking about fitness regularly out loud with others
• Something outside of myself to help motivate me
• Sparks a competitive nerve
• Camaraderie and socializing with coworkers
• A sense of belonging.  Awwwww.

The downs:

• My head is my worst enemy. Last time I joined a weight loss competition my focus shifted from healthy next right choices and feeling good to the numbers on the scale and what size I was going to wear. I ended up gaining, not losing, because my head got flipped around somehow.

That's it. My head is the only down side. It's all a head game and since it's my head, I get to win. So I am choosing to join in but do nothing differently than I already planned to do. I will do those things I blogged about yesterday and make this my daily way of life, regardless of the numbers. If I am making the next right choices, cleanly, (without deceiving myself about my progress) then the numbers will follow.

I am looking forward to participating in this and maybe getting to meet other health-conscious coworkers along the way. I'm not going to obsess about it. (No, really.) I am just going to keep doing those next right choices and enjoy the journey. That's how I manage to enjoy life best.

Back to Basics

As I jump back into the mindset of health and fitness, I am leaps and bounds ahead of where I was two years ago when I started this blog.  Even though I gained a lot of weight back, I did not lose my knowledge and some things are kicking in kind of on auto pilot.

I don't have much time to blog this morning, but I wanted to recap for myself what "Back to Basics" looks like for me, to help me regroup and refocus. (Typing this out helps me "see" my thoughts and keep them in the forefront!)

• Eat my spinach.  When all else fails, a cup of spinach at any meal is good for my body and it has the added effect of making me feel like I'm taking care of myself.  Dark leafies RULE!
• More snacks need to be raw veggies.  Celery, carrots, cukes, peppers, etc.
• Keep berries on hand.  Period.  Best fruits ever. (blueberry and strawberry at a minimum.)
• Get rid of the whites.  White bread, white flour, rice, etc.  There is absolutely no nutritional value and it converts to sugar in the body (and then fat.)  No whites, no way. (Except white potatoes.  Hey, I'm human.)
• Measure, measure, measure.  Until I can be trusted again, eyeballing is not allowed. :-)
• WATER.  Coffee all day does not count as my water.  I'll alternate.  One water to one coffee.
• Protein can be so simple.  Boiled eggs, chicken legs, salmon, string cheese.  All need to be on hand again.
• PLAN.  At least the night before, sketch out the next day's meals and snacks.
• BUT....failing at planning above is not an excuse to blow it.  My work has a great spinach, strawberry and chicken salad that I love.  See...no excuses.
• If in a bind at night and I MUST do fast food, I will choose Wendy's for a salad, baked potato, cup of chili (depending on how hungry I am, any combination of the above) or the oatmeal at McDonald's (plus the fruit/yogurt parfait if I'm extra hungry.)  While not ideal, these are fairly guilt-free choices.
• TRACK IT.  I have to track during the day, as I consume my food.  That way I keep an eye on what my balance is for the rest of the day to better gauge my snacks, etc.  When I wait until the end of the day it's so easy to go over without realizing it. 
• Get moving.  Stairs instead of elevators.  Park farther away.  Find opportunities for more walking.
• Treadmill at least 3 times per week.  (I am struggling with this one.  NEED TO GET OFF MY BUTT AND JUST DO IT!)

There.  That's my overall basics list.  Lots of other basics are just automatic I don't need to remember.  I only use olive or coconut oil.  I use stevia when a sweetener is needed.  Organic apples are a daily snack.   Freshly ground cinnamon is a flavorful calorie-free way to spice up oatmeal.  Nonfat milk.  Plain yogurt. And most importantly .... as little processed food as possible!

Make some of those automatic and you'll find yourself getting healthier with little effort.  I actually love doing those things.  But when I fall off the wagon, I forget so easily.  Or more accurately, I stop caring.  Well, I care now so let's see if I can keep the momentum going.  I think I can.  What do you think? 

Good Enough

All my life I have felt "less than."

I looked around and I saw a black and white world of people. There were the successful people and those who were failing. I suppose I always felt like I was in one category or the other most of the time.  (Can you guess which side I thought I landed in most of the time?)

When I was successful, I was on top of the world. I was full of grandiosity and big dreams and goals. I knew I could do anything I set my mind to do. I had my chit together.

When I was down, it wasn't merely a stumbling block. Oh hell no.  I was doomed.  I was a failure.  I couldn't do anything right. I was never going to pick myself up. I might as well quit my job and go live in a cardboard box and wait for the inevitable doom that lay ahead.

Middle ground, or that gray area in which most people live, didn't exist for me.  And sadly, I didn't really think it existed for others, either.

When I looked outward at others I deemed most people as having their act together all of the time.  They kept appointments and schedules, they washed their dishes and did their vacuuming like Donna Reed with pearls and heels or were like Mrs. Cleaver every day and never raised their voices to their kids.  They were on their game.  They were up.  They had it together. They never fell behind at work and never forgot important dates or missed deadlines.

When I saw a woman walk into a business environment, I automatically assumed she was smarter than me, had it together more than I did, had a great family, a great relationship, and a great life. She probably was born with great genetics, came from a well off family, went to college, met Mr. Right and had a fairy tale life.  Beeotch.  How come I didn't get to have that kind of charmed life?  Why was I such a failure?

Somehow I didn't realize that this messy process of becoming an adult, becoming the person I was meant to be...the ups, the downs, the highs and lows, the great triumphs and horrible disasters....that all of it was okay.  That doing my best sometimes meant doing less than I was capable of last month.  Or that what seemed like huge setbacks might, in fact, be backing up to get a running head start into a great big forward step!

I realize now that there is an ideal - the goal, the dream, the perfectionist target, and then there is "good enough."  Not meeting the ideal isn't a failure...it's how most people roll most of the time.

It's how we respond to life that matters.  It's picking up and moving forward that matters.  It's digging deep and finding a reason to keep trying to be better that matters.  Trying to be a better person.  Trying to do more good in the world.  Trying to be a better parent.  Trying to make the next right choice and knowing that even when you fall short of the target....maybe that's okay.

Maybe "good enough for now" isn't a failure at all and it's just how to accept being human.  Maybe that acceptance is a form of self love, and extending some grace and mercy to ourselves.  For me, success is trying to make the best next right choice in this moment...in the now and letting go of yesterday's mistakes.  Success isn't just reaching the goal and arriving at the destination.  It's experiencing the journey, learning, sharing and accepting where I am today.  I can't be happy tomorrow, I can only be happy today and I am who I am right now.  I have to be okay with that.  I am good enough.

And so are you.

30 Pounds of Pain

I returned home from a visit to Maine last night and, as I promised myself, it is time to get back on track.

It is no coincidence that I dropped off the blogosphere for nearly a year and concurrently gained weight.  In fact, over each of the past 10 months I gained about 3 pounds.  That tallies up to right around 30 pounds.

I can give a laundry list of reasons and very good excuses why eating right and exercising weren't my focus.  Taking care of a dying mother, dealing with her loss and the aftermath of the entire experience, leaving my job, home and state for a new job, home and state, dealing with a bitter ex over custody.....then the holidays.....many major life losses and major life changes.  Not to mention I have just lived through a bout of clinical depression (I am happy to report I am on the other side of it today.)

There is a fine line between beating yourself up and holding yourself accountable.  There is also a fine line between going gentle and forgiving yourself and enabling more behaviors that don't serve you well.  I think I have found that balance now.

I went on to My Fitness Pal today and recorded every bite of food.  It's 4:00 p.m. right now and I didn't eat dinner yet and only have 3 calories left for the day.  I really thought I'd done quite well today.  It's amazing how quickly I can veer off course and "forget" how many calories (or points) food contains.  Well, I am not going to skip dinner.  

I have sauteed some chicken with Italian herbs then placed them in the crock pot to slow simmer all day.  My side is a veggie rice casserole I made with frozen veggies, light cream cheese and brown rice. I am going to eat it and track it.  

My saving grace for the day is if I get on the treadmill the day may still work out under caloric budget.  If not, I'm going to consider it a win anyway, because I blogged, I tracked and I am moving forward.

Yes, I gained 30 pounds as I worked through the pain of living this past year.  I didn't smoke.  I didn't drink.  I didn't do drugs.  I did lose a mom.  I did quit a job and move halfway across the country with just me and my son in order to create a better life for us.  And I am on track today, right now, this second.

I can't do a darned thing about yesterday.  I am glad to be on the other side of it and I am glad I gained 30 and not 90.  All was not lost.  And I gained a heck of a lot more last year than 30 pounds.  I gained a depth and grace I hadn't known before.  I gained some good perspective on life.  And I gained the knowledge that I am stronger than I knew.

The pain from last year is mostly behind me.  Let's see if I can leave the added pounds behind me, too.  And not literally.  :-)

Carly

2012 In Review

What a year.

In January and February I flatlined with my diet and exercise.  I didn't lose, I didn't gain, I didn't do much of anything at all.  Maybe I coasted a bit.  I did work out with a trainer but didn't really see any gains in weight loss (there were some definite gains in muscle strength.)

In March, we learned my mom was sick.  Stage 4 advanced untreatable inoperable unstoppable lung cancer.  In April I went to Maine and spent the next 7 weeks at my mom's side doing anything I could to love her, help her, and return even 1% of the love she showed me my whole life.

In late May, we lost her.

In June, I moved to Tennessee for a new job.

In July, August, September and October, I speeded through life.  Unpacking, downsizing, jumping into the new and challenging job, doing a ton of physically active things like white water rafting, zip lining, caving, and running a couple of 5K races.  Busy busy busy trying to outrun my mind and heart and when not successful, I ate down my feelings.

In November, my dad came to visit for the Thanksgiving holiday.  That was hard.  The first major holiday without mom.  Somehow the reality of it all knocked me over.  I paused long enough for all the feelings to catch up with me....and it consumed me.

From March to now I have gained considerable weight.  I'm not going to say how much.  There's no need to humiliate myself.  I just want to acknowledge it and refocus on tomorrow and forgive myself for yesterday.  I did what I needed to do and it's time to move forward.

In looking at what worked in 2011 when I was so successful, it was focusing on "The Next Right Choice."  Not worrying about where I had to be in 3 months or 6 months or what day I'd reach a specific weight goal.  Instead, I focused on making good choices now and near-term and let the good consequences come.  And they did.  I tried to plan my food out in advance, but if I found myself in a place without great food options, I'd make the best choice at the moment and get back on track the very next meal.

I was not "all or nothing."  I was all about doing what I could now and if I made a misstep,  acknowledging it and correcting as I moved forward.  Black and white thinking kills someone like me.

Well, now I'm looking forward to 2013.  I want to continue to grow emotionally and spiritually.  I want to continue to shrink physically.  And I want to do it out loud again.  Hiding does not serve me well.  Living out loud suits me just fine, and I feed off the attention (hard to believe, right?)  :-)

So here's to a positive 2013.  Come back along for the ride.  Better yet, toss on some running shoes and let's hit the treadmill together.  Regardless, no more going backwards or standing still.  We're on the move again.

Carly

Quitting and Change

I knew when I quit smoking in 2009 that my life was going to change. In fact, I dreaded it. I didn't know 34 months ago that quitting smoking would change my life in SO many ways.

I was a very heavy smoker for 32 years. I self identified as "THEE" smoker everywhere I went. I started at age 11, and so I truly had no other learned coping mechanisms. Eating and smoking were my defenses against all that life threw at me. I did not know how to exist without smoking.

I assumed I would quit smoking, create a huge void in my life, mourn and cry and be miserable for a long time until I was still miserable but no longer mourning and crying. I assumed it would be hard, and stay hard, but if I was just strong enough somehow, I could fight that battle day in and day out for the rest of my life so I could have a longer (and hopefully less miserable) life.

Well, you know what they say about assume, right (makes an "ass" of "u" and "me" ha!)

Here's what actually happened.

I was miserable (really really miserable) for the first 3 months. After that I was intermittently miserable and rather hopeful. After the 140 day mark I started getting rather surprised by how often I would go without thinking about smoking. Once I passed the year mark all "cravings" were reduced to simply "thoughts" that were easily pushed aside. By the time I hit the 2 year mark, I no longer associated anything with smoking. The only time I would think about it was when I saw smokers and then it was more a "poor fella...I wish he could quit" than anything else.

What else happened?

After I quit, I gained 40+ pounds in one year (and I was already obese). BUT..I also gained the ability to breathe without wheezing and I gained energy I didn't realize I could have.

So I started moving and becoming more active and after the first year of quitting decided to tackle the morbid obesity. I started this fitness/weight loss blog to document the process. 

Zip Lining along the Ocoee River, TN

After quitting, I KNEW I could do whatever I set my mind to do, and I proceeded to lose 90 pounds. I still have about 60 to go, but who cares? It's coming.

I also ditched the self imposed limitations in my brain. I didn't like the Baltimore DC crowded metro area but felt stuck there. I had no family there and was barely existing some days. But after quitting and losing weight I realized the only thing stopping me from really living was me.

So I found a new job near the Smokey Mountains, put my house on the market, grabbed my son, and moved (I'm a single mom...have been for 8 years). Since moving, this 46 year old woman has:

- gone zip lining

- gone swimming in the Tennessee River

- gone hiking, biking, rock climbing, caving

- gone whitewater rafting

In fact, I'm heading out today with my 12 year old to the mountains were we will rent a little boat, swim, fish, and on Labor Day we're hitting class III and IV whitewater rapids (at the site of the 1996 olympics).

Next month I'm doing a 35 mile Appalachian Mountain bike trip (mostly downhill, but STILL!)

And in 3 weeks I'm doing a Warrior Dash: http://www.warriordash.com/

I was petrified 34 months ago that life was going to change in unknown ways once I put down the cigarettes. Now, I thank God that it has. You couldn't pay me to go back. No freaking way!!!  That was dying...this lis LIVING!  

In It To Win It, Dawg

I am pumping up and refocusing my energy on the mission.  It's really quite simple.

What does winning look like to me?

1. I take the time to think out what I want
2. I consider the path to get there.
3. I start on the path.  
4. I make choices throughout the day in line with the goals.
5. I keep myself from straying off the path.
6. I reach the goal.

Every single step is, in itself, a success, as it moves me forward.  Each step requires some action.

Without action, there is no hope of success. Thinking about it is pretty meaningless without getting up and doing it, right? Yet there are studies that show that people who think about their goals sometimes get the emotional rewards as if they had actually achieved the goasl.  I don't want that.  I want the achieve the actual goals! 

Let's put it into context:

1.  I have thought out what I want.  I want to be healthy.  I want to reignite the weight loss.  I want to physically complete the Warrior Dash.

2.  The path to get there requires eating less and moving more.  Expending more calories than I take in.  Eating healthy wholesome choices.  Getting enough sleep.  BEING CONSISTENT.  Being accountable.  BLOGGING.

3.  I started blogging again.  I went to the grocery store and got only healthy choices - fruits, veggies, coconut water (heard this is a good post-workout recovery beverage), chicken, salmon, milk.  Healthy, yummy, easy. I got on the scale, recorded my weight and set a goal.  I have stepped on the path,

4. All day I chose water instead of more coffee (I did have some, but not as much as usual).  I opted for no half and half at work.  At lunch, I walked a half mile for the heck of it.  I took the stairs instead of the elevator.  When offered brownies, I chose my goal over a temporary appeasement.  In other words, because I mapped out my goals and started down the path, I remembered to make choices in line with those goals!

5. I am too early in this rebound to speak to not straying off the path.  I will say, that accountability will be key.  My little sugar addict brain will want to sneak off in silence and darkness at some point to derail my plans.  At that point, I will have to not stray, and admit the desires so that they lose power.

6.  Winning never grows old, right?  Right.  

And I'm IN IT TO WIN IT!  

To Do List

As I prepare for my plunge back into seriousness tomorrow, I am putting together the "to do" list.  These are things that I want to do and will do as a result of my healthy choices.

I believe in affirmations.  I believe in writing out what you want, thinking it, believing it, and being aware each day of your ability to achieve it.

If I take time to write out what I want, I am going to have a chance of reaching it.  If I don't take the time to think it through, I will flop haplessly along. I have strayed from my vision and goals lately, and it shows in my results.

To wit: (who says "to wit?" ha...nerds and obnoxious dorks?)

• I will complete a 5K Warrior Dash September 22nd.
• I will go caving in an authentic, private cave that requires some physical effort (and deep breathing to overcome the claustrophobia!)
• I will go horseback riding in the mountains (I thought I was under the weight limit, but when checking it out, I am not.  I will do that next year.  No matter what.)
• I will touch my freaking toes.
• I will conquer the P90X Yoga X (until I lose more weight I just cannot physically get into some of those positions; there's too much "me" in the way.)
• I will reach my goal weight.
• I will have the skin removal surgery shortly thereafter.
• And I will remain physically active during this whole process....and into the future because this is who I am and how I roll.

There.  Black and white.  Laying the destination will help me focus with each choice on the best route to get there with the least amount of detours.

That concludes the easy part of the "To Do" list.  Now.....off to start doing it.

Just Do It Already

Somewhere along the line I stopped losing weight "my" way.  I tried it this way, and that way, and then after messing around a while, tried it someone else's way.  Then I ultimately ended up doing it no one's way.

Hence, I am sitting right now exactly where I was in JANUARY of this year.  I am mad at myself.  Frustrated.  Very, very frustrated.  Disappointed.  I could be at goal (or darn close) right now if I stayed the course from the beginning.

But I didn't.  Instead, I'm yo-yo-ing.  Up and down 5-10 pounds constantly. Ugh.

To keep things in balance, I have done an awful lot in my life during this time.  My entire life is upside down and different, from the house I live in, to the state I live in, the job I have, and the fact I am still struggling with grief after losing my mom.  I no longer have a gym.  I no longer have a personal trainer. I sold all my own equipment and no longer have my in-home gym.  Those aren't excuses.  They are my reality.

Also, when I was losing successfully, I was not putting pressure on myself.  Some people thrive under pressure.  I am not one of them in personal matters.  Slow and steady wins my race.  One next right choice, followed by another.  Deliberately thinking out the choices, honoring them, until they become second nature.  Once I start doing everything all at once differently, I lose the plot.  Well EVERYTHING in my life is different now.  And I have lost the plot.  

So I'm going to regroup and reestablish what works....for me.   Getting it out of my brain and in writing is a huge and very important step:

1. I am going to get my food weighed, measured and unsloppified.  (You like that word?)
2. I am going to work out first thing in the morning, no matter what.  When I was going to Gold's Gym to meet the personal trainer it was at 5 am.  That meant up at 4:15 - 4:30 and leaving the house at 4:45 a.m.  I did it and after a few days fell into a nice groove with it.  I was in bed at a decent time and felt well rested all the time.  This is CRITICAL to me...keeping a schedule.
3. Accountability.  I need some.  Right now I don't check in with any regularity and have no accountability.  So guess what?  You guys are now my new accountability.  Every day before I go to bed, at a very minimum, I am going to let you know how the day went.  

A group of folks at work are having a weight loss contest. I know, I know, I know.  Competitions have never worked for me.  I joined anyway and it starts next week.  It's a way to bond with my new coworkers, having fun with the smack talk and, most importantly, getting in the groove of talking about health and fitness with people.  I haven't really had that since moving here and I think it's important.

I know I can do this.  I have done it.  I just need to....just do it already!

:-)

Stepping Forward

I haven't posted since the last week in March and I have struggled to get back here and start writing again.  I haven't been sure where to begin.

After my last post in March I got a call that my mom was in the hospital in intensive care, 600 miles away.  My son and I flew up to Maine immediately (end of March).  On that April 6, 2012 (Good Friday) we got the excruciating news.  With no other signs or symptoms up until that point, mom was diagnosed with inoperable, untreatable stage 4 lung cancer with 6 to 18 months to live.  What landed her in the hospital in the first place were complications from the cancer including peri carditis (fluid around her heart) and they also discovered blood clots in her legs and lungs.

She went home on blood thinners April 7th and no other medicine, and we flew back home on Easter Sunday (April 8th.)  She was in pretty good spirits considering, and went back to a somewhat normal lifestyle (able to move around, cook, shop, etc.)...but that only lasted a couple of weeks.

Later in April we received the second devastating blow.  Mom was readmitted to intensive care on April 23rd.  This time her heart, liver and kidneys all shut down due to out of control INR levels (a result of the wrong dose of blood thinners, not the cancer.) Her blood was so thin it flowed through the lining of her heart until there was literally a liter of fluid around her heart which caused it to stop beating.

I threw some clothes and toiletries into the car and almost drove away.  But I just....I had a feeling I might not be coming back to Maryland before her funeral.  So I went back in and packed clothes I thought might be appropriate, got in my car and drove until we reached the hospital.  I parked the car, went up to the ICU, found my mom alive and speaking (though tired) and I sighed a huge sigh of relief.

The ICU had a built in cot/window seat, so I stayed there with my mom in the hospital.  That began a three week journey of living, eating, sleeping, talking, hugging, kissing, laughing and crying with my mother at her bedside.  There were ups and downs, highs and lows.  We laughed about crazy things.  We had a lot of "potty talk."  Those were times she'd get moved to the bedside commode and we'd talk for two hours at three o'clock in the morning. About anything and everything.  There were amazingly poignant moments that I was witness to....my mother touched so many lives at that hospital with her huge heart, her grace and her strength.  I will write about all of that later.  I was honored and privileged to bear witness, and I feel like the least I can do is take the time to relay her story to others with "ears to hear" or "eyes to see."

Through many physical setbacks and surgeries, my mom had one major goal:  getting home, to her own home.  On Friday, May 11th mom got her wish and she went home....on hospice.  And on May 19th, with all of us around her, at 6:15 p.m., and her eyes wide open, mom took in her last breath....and never exhaled.

It's been a hard road getting back among the living.

Mom, painting with her pastels. She sure loved painting,.

I made funeral arrangements and visiting hour arrangements for both Maine and Massachusetts.  And tried as best as I could to help my father....who lost his bride of months shy of 50 years.  And in the midst of all that, I had to try to get my home in Maryland repaired and on the market.  I had to get packed and moved, because in March, just before my mom got sick, I had accepted a job in a new state with a new company.

Needless to say, during that whole time....I didn't watch what I ate.  I didn't exercise.  I didn't "stay the course" on my slow and steady progress.  In fact, I gained a substantial amount back.  I decided that once the move was final and I was in my new place, I would start working out again and get back on track.

On July 2nd, I started doing P90X in my living room each day.  I am eating healthy again and feel like I'm turning the corner once again and heading back toward the finish line.  In July I lost 9 1/2 pounds, so I'd say I'm doing okay.

It's been one hell of a year.  I don't know what the future holds...none of us do.  I miss my mom terribly, every day, many times a day.  But I also know her heart.  She wouldn't want me using my grief as an excuse to not keep reaching for my dreams.

So I booked a cruise for March of next year, A year after mom's diagnosis.  If I work steady, I will be at my weight loss goal by then.  I just celebrated 1,000 days since I quit smoking.  I am at a job I love, in a state I love, working with people I like a lot, and my son loves it here also.  

I dug a little deeper, and I found hope again.  And I'd like to start sharing the journey again, too, as I keep trying to make those next right choices.  Because it's what I do, right?  Right. And at the end of the day, when I see my mom again, I want to hear how proud she is of me.....still.......

Carly

Stuck

Winnie the Pooh: [in a sticky voice] I must be going now. Goodbye, Rabbit. 
Rabbit: Well, goodbye, if you're sure you won't have any more. 
Winnie the Pooh: [turns to leave then stops] *Is* there any more? 
Rabbit: No, there isn't. 
Winnie the Pooh: I thought not. 
Winnie the Pooh: [tries to climb out the front door but is stuck] Oh, oh, help and bother! I'm stuck. 
Rabbit: Oh, dear. Oh, gracious. Oh. Well, it all comes from eating too much. 
Winnie the Pooh: It all comes from not having front doors big enough! 


========================================================


I went to the gym today for my monthly weigh-in and measurements. I am the exact same weight I was one month ago.  My waist measurement is somehow up .5" (one half inch.)  My hips are down .5" (one half inch) but everything else is basically the same.

A tiny part of me feels like throwing in the the towel and gorging myself on every wretched thing imaginable.  That's the emotional and shame-based part of me.  Fortunately, the thinking/knowing/reasoning part of me knows I would suffer from that kind of choice miserably and it would accomplish nothing.  It would take me further from my goals. It's not an option.

So where do I go from here?  I examine what I am doing or not doing and make adjustments.  

For starters, I somehow slowed way down on my treadmill activity at home. (to like once a week, twice tops - and for 20 to 30 minutes instead of 30 to 45.  Big differences, really.)  I also stopped recording my workouts.  I don't even know when I stopped.  It wasn't deliberate, it just kind of fell away.  Recording works for me.  I can see what I'm doing and track my progress (or lack thereof).  To me,  accountability is a big problem.

My trainer also told me that the elliptical I have been using for a few months is probably doing me a disservice.  It's working my hips and legs, but I'm not burning the kind of fat I could be burning by doing intervals on the treadmill.  Okay...treadmill it shall be for a while.

I am so thankful I haven't had any net gains since last month.  Because I haven't been paying close attention to the details, they got away from me.  Well, back to business.  I don't have to do everything perfectly, but I DO have to actually DO everything!  (Eat well, exercise, get on the scale, record my progress, etc.) 

I don't feel too badly right now (though I felt so upset this morning.) I have had a lot going on in my physical and emotional worlds and managed to not gain weight this month.  I'll take that.  But I can do better, and so better I shall do.  I only have one more month with the trainer and by golly, I'm going to go out with a bang.

Milestones: What's Next?

Real Sign Post Near My Folks in Maine

It's been a while since I posted.  There's been a lot going on in my world keeping me hella busy.

For starters, I interviewed for a job in Tennessee, was made an offer and have accepted this position.  So I'm in the process of organizing, packing, putting a house on the market, changing my son's school, moving, and starting a new job in a new state.  It sounds pretty big when I type it all out and look at it, so I try not to really think about the totality of it and just keep it simple, like for today I am purging clothes I don't want and purging anything in the bathroom I don't want to move with me.  I absolutely refuse to move junk, or unwanted items, or anything that I don't absolutely need or love.

So to the topic of Milestones, ABBA singer Agnetha Faltskog (after already being hugely successful in ABBA) once said, “My path has not been determined. I shall have more experiences and pass many more milestones.”   I love it!  As successful as she was, she knew she hadn't arrived at some destination.  She was still moving along on the journey.

Reading that quote got me looking at my own life and journey. I'm chuckling to myself.  I have really had some pretty cool milestones and although I have made some rather enormous mistakes from time to time, I've also enjoyed some successes along a road less traveled.  Life has presented unexpected and amazing opportunities and I have jumped on them because...well, why not?  You only live once!

I guess my point is that when I consider milestones they are helpful in setting goals and priorities, and in guiding me along my path forward.  Once I hit one, and it is behind me, the milestone isn't really all that important anymore.  I'd say having my son was a big milestone.  THE big milestone.  Other than that, everything else was just another stepping stone to get me this far, and there will be a lot more stepping stones going forward.

Same is true with the weight loss.  Milestones are really goals: I am almost at 100 pounds lost, then I am going to reach the "I weigh under 200 pounds" mark, then.....who knows?  But once I reach the goal and pass by it, it's not so important.

We live life enjoying the moments, not the milestones.  Eating an apple today instead of an ice cream is a successful moment that I can experience.  Feeling someone so much closer during a hug because there is so much less fat there is a moment I can truly enjoy.  I want to keep making choices that bring me to places where I enjoy more moments.  That I am passing cool mile-markers along the way is just an added bonus....they are certainly not the destination.  I can hardly wait to see where I'm going next.....

90 Pounds Down!

Once upon a time in a land far, far away......

Wait a minute.  This is no fairy tale and I'm no Cinderella.  There was no wicked stepmother and no mean stepsisters.  No pumpkin, no carriage, no mice, no horses and no glass slippers.

But there was a woman who decided that enough life had passed her by....enough pain had coursed through her veins.....and she'd had enough of putting her dreams on hold....hoping that "someday" she'd become the person she wanted to be.

That was me on November 1, 2009, when I smoked my last cigarette and decided it was time to let go of the crutches and start walking on my own.  It was the hardest thing I had ever done and I gained 40 pounds in one year after quitting.  I learned through that experience that I was capable of anything I set my mind to do, and in December of 2010, I decided the next thing to tackle would be my lifelong battle with weight.

It's taken 15 months so far, but I have now lost 90 pounds.  From August until the end of November I actually gained 20 pounds back, so I have technically lost 110 pounds in these 15 months.  Holy cow.  I am amazed and excited.

I have still a long way to go.  I started this journey at 320 pounds.  I am at 230.  I don't even know what my ultimate weight will be.  I'm moving into completely unknown territory.  Once when I was 19 I weighed 165 and went down to a size 12.  That lasted about 3 weeks and I climbed back to 185 and held steady there for 3 years without too much trouble.  I am keeping 180 as my possible goal, so that's still 50 pounds to go.  

For most of you, 50 pounds would seem so daunting.  It might have felt that way to me, too, but after tackling 90 pounds already, I feel very confident that this is truly my new way of life (eating healthy and working out) and I will get there.  I am not in a race.  I am not competing with anyone.  I am just living life and enjoying the process.

My life has taken many twists and turns, and there are still many more surprises ahead of me.  But I'm pausing this weekend and celebrating my milestone.  By the end of April I will have lost 100 pounds.  Wow.  

You know, the time is going to pass whether you make positive changes or not.  Don't find yourself a year from now regretting that you didn't get started.  There's nothing like the feeling of knowing you are caring for yourself in a way that shows self respect and self love.  It changes everything.  :-)