It is no coincidence that I dropped off the blogosphere for nearly a year and concurrently gained weight. In fact, over each of the past 10 months I gained about 3 pounds. That tallies up to right around 30 pounds.
I can give a laundry list of reasons and very good excuses why eating right and exercising weren't my focus. Taking care of a dying mother, dealing with her loss and the aftermath of the entire experience, leaving my job, home and state for a new job, home and state, dealing with a bitter ex over custody.....then the holidays.....many major life losses and major life changes. Not to mention I have just lived through a bout of clinical depression (I am happy to report I am on the other side of it today.)
There is a fine line between beating yourself up and holding yourself accountable. There is also a fine line between going gentle and forgiving yourself and enabling more behaviors that don't serve you well. I think I have found that balance now.
I went on to My Fitness Pal today and recorded every bite of food. It's 4:00 p.m. right now and I didn't eat dinner yet and only have 3 calories left for the day. I really thought I'd done quite well today. It's amazing how quickly I can veer off course and "forget" how many calories (or points) food contains. Well, I am not going to skip dinner.
I have sauteed some chicken with Italian herbs then placed them in the crock pot to slow simmer all day. My side is a veggie rice casserole I made with frozen veggies, light cream cheese and brown rice. I am going to eat it and track it.
My saving grace for the day is if I get on the treadmill the day may still work out under caloric budget. If not, I'm going to consider it a win anyway, because I blogged, I tracked and I am moving forward.
Yes, I gained 30 pounds as I worked through the pain of living this past year. I didn't smoke. I didn't drink. I didn't do drugs. I did lose a mom. I did quit a job and move halfway across the country with just me and my son in order to create a better life for us. And I am on track today, right now, this second.
I can't do a darned thing about yesterday. I am glad to be on the other side of it and I am glad I gained 30 and not 90. All was not lost. And I gained a heck of a lot more last year than 30 pounds. I gained a depth and grace I hadn't known before. I gained some good perspective on life. And I gained the knowledge that I am stronger than I knew.
The pain from last year is mostly behind me. Let's see if I can leave the added pounds behind me, too. And not literally. :-)