Thursday, February 3, 2011
Hiding In Plain View
When I am at my heaviest, as I have been all this past year, I find myself feeling invisible. I can walk down the halls at work and people don't speak to me. I can be out at the stores and though I may get a glance or two (like if my cart is in the way), people aren't friendly and overall, I feel like I am not even noticed. I have generally thought this was because my weight caused some kind of aversion and people just didn't want to look in my direction.
I'm going to rethink that. That might be one of those tightly held core beliefs that needs to be taken out and examined for truth. Rather than people not seeing me, or people not being interested in me, or people not noticing me....it is possible that when I am heavy, I am actually hiding in plain view.
Understand, I am still extremely overweight and this past month of eating right hasn't altered that fact one iota. But yesterday, people were very friendly. They made a lot of eye contact with me. Walking down the halls at work in the afternoon someone introduced himself and offered up some friendly small talk. At the grocery store, someone smiled at me, I smiled back, he smiled even bigger, and I almost laughed out loud. I kept walking down the aisle, still chuckling, then I turned back around and yep, he was glancing back smiling, too. Don't get me wrong, it's not like anyone was hitting on me. It was that people were SEEING me.
And it all of a sudden occurred to me, perhaps it's not that way at ALL. Perhaps it's that I am seeing THEM for a change. Instead of keeping my eyes down at the floor, avoiding people, maybe I'm looking straight ahead and taking the world head on right now. THEY haven't changed, It's ME that is changing.
It's all a matter of perspective, but this morning I'm seeing this pretty clearly. When I am making really unhealthy choices, shameful choices, "bad" choices, I don't WANT to look anyone in the eye. I'm not proud of who I am and I certainly don't want people meeting THAT me! But after a short time of making GOOD next right choices, I feel so differently. I feel like I'm doing all I can do today to be a better me, and if you don't like it, pffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttt.
I have a little zip in my step lately and I do feel like I am coming out of hiding.
Carly <------ waves to the world "hello!"
Posted by CarlyWeb